One year on - the ups and downs of trying to move on

[B1987]

It has been a year since my ex gf abruptly ended things and immediately moved a new guy in with her and about 8 months of NC (she continued to sleep with me after our initial break up - not proud of that!). Since then, I have had a couple of emails asking to stay friends which I have swiftly but politely declined.

After a year of being broke up, I still have very mixed feelings about everything. I'm sorry to say, I still have a lot of days when I yearn for her, I miss her so much and even find myself hoping for one more recycle (very unhealthy, I know). Other days, I feel ok with things and even have optimism about the future and who I might meet. But I must confess, she continues to cross my mind every day, every hour! It's mainly everyday curiosity that I think about - how is she? where is she? is she working? is she still with the guy she left me for (I think she is)? When we were together, her plans and interests would change on a daily basis so it's impossible to know what she's doing, which kind of feeds into my curiosity.

I have absolutely no bad feelings towards her and genuinely hope she's ok and is in a good place. I'd love to know how she is but I will never break NC.

I get frustrated with myself for not moving on quicker, it annoys me that she still occupies so much of my thoughts and heart - I'm sure it's not mutual! But on the other hand, I'd never want to forget her and the good times. And that's another thing, it's frustrating that I have such warm, happy feelings for her when a lot of the relationship was really difficult and toxic! Memories work in a strange way!

I'd love to meet someone else and have been on a couple of dates / talked to other people but I really struggle with dating and have found the process like pulling teeth .

So that's where I'm at. Generally, doing a lot better but gosh, I miss her! I wish her all the best and hope I can find more peace for the future. And not keep looking at my emails hoping to see her name!

Feel free to share any insights or opinions

[EZEarache]

B1987, it takes different people different amounts of time to move on. It took me approximately 7 years, before I was truly ready after my previous breakup. My head was scrambled and my heart was shattered from it. Then I had someone lovebomb me. She was going through some tough times with a father in the hospital. Eventually she told me she was in a relationship with someone else. The lovebombing felt so good that I decided, I was really ready for someone new and single.

This lead me to my most recent ex-wBPD and the mother of my child. More than a year after our breakup, I'm still single and not in the mood to, "pull teeth," as you've stated. 

The reality is a lot of things in your life need to line up before you can be emotionally open to a new love. I think what is most important is that you are happy and content with your life, as it stands.

I still wonder what all of my past loves are doing with their life. I think it shows that we did really care for them at one point. It doesn't mean I want them around me or to hear from them. Quite the opposite. I mostly just wonder where their life's path has taken them.

[B1987]

Thank you for sharing that, EZEarache. I think I'll always wonder about my past partners. I hope to get to a stage where I can think about them but don't want them back, like you have. Thanks again!

[EZEarache]

Thank you for sharing that, EZEarache. I think I'll always wonder about my past partners. I hope to get to a stage where I can think about them but don't want them back, like you have. Thanks again!

I still have moments where I wish my coparent with BPD and I could be a regular nuclear family. It actually happened to me last night when I was taking our 2 year old baby out for his first trip in a canoe. This was an experience my ex and I dreamed about doing as a family at one time.

Unfortunately, I have come to acceptance that the reality would have been more of a nightmare than a dream. Upon further retrospect, I realized that the experience would have been far less enjoyable for both the baby and myself if mama was actually there. Chances are we would not have even made it into the canoe. There's strong potential that the screaming match would have caused us to turn the car around before we even got to the water. Maybe even before the boat made it onto the car. I can think of examples of both that actually did occur. Then I would most likely be made to feel guilty for the event not occurring at some point in the future.

Sadly, though, I still have a longing for something that logically I know cannot be. Eventually, though, I will be ready for a new love. You will, too, it just takes time.