Hi beannshrawley !
You came to the right place...
-I idolized my mom growing up. I thought she could do no wrong. I felt scared to even talk about her in therapy until I got to college
Like Notwendy pointed out, this seems like Golden Child positioning with a BPD mother that is high functioning.
My mother was not high functioning, she was BPD and a drunk. Stopped drinking when I was 10, so to me: she could do many wrongs!
But somehow, because she stopped drinking when I was 10, I "forgot" the abuse, and blamed it on the alcohol... telling myself she was doing the best she could... and truly : she was and still is. But I didn't realize the abuse and neglect actually kept on going... Took be many years later and my first child to realize she was mentally unstable.
-I grew up thinking my younger sister had bpd. she was incredibly violent and would have displays of anger at around age 8-12. I remember my mom would threaten to call the police on her and call her a bitch. my mom would also join in screaming matches w her. I thought what my mom did was all justified because my sister's behavior was so wrong, but I am realizing now how young my sister was at the time.
It pains me to read this. Did you sister develop BPD herself from the abuse? How is she doing?
I have two brothers and was the only daughter, so the dynamic was different. My brother ended up with a bipolar diagnosis from trauma and he is a drug addict and an alcoholic. I also remember her and my older brother ganging up on him physically to the point of him, keeping his tears in... I would watch from a corner, knowing something was wrong, but couldn't express it. I was 6.
We grow surrounded by abuse, we don't know what we don't know. To us, abuse was regular life, it was our normal... It is only when I had my own daughter, and looked into her eyes, realizing how small and vulnerable she was that it hit me... Just how wrong my own childhood was. And I vowed to break the cycle.
-I was the "good kid." whenever my mom is upset my flight or fight response is activated beyond belief and I immediately go to soothe her. I am a pretty assertive firebrand stubborn person but this changes when I'm around her completely. my mom sh*t-talks my dad to me all the time and used to sh*t-talk my sister saying things like "you wouldn't do that, right?"
This dynamic hold very true for us too. Whenever mom is upset, we have to take care of her. We were well trained.
-I show all the symptoms of c-ptsd, have had ibs and anxiety/depression/sleep disorder since I was 8 and never understood why because my childhood was so good. my mom has always held down a job and has some friendships and she's incredibly smart. nothing looks wrong. she was always reminding me of how much better my childhood was than hers -- she was abused emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually -- and I honestly always questioned how she got out alive. she'd guilt the sh*t out of me and my siblings for it too: "I never grew up with this, why are you so ungrateful etc."
Yes, my mother also used her own abuse to invalidate my feelings too. We couldn't show anger, couldn't show pain... We had to be happy/neutral to survive, keep to the corners of the house and keep her happy at all costs. I also developped C-PTSD... I didn't know that's what it was and it was a true relief to know there was a word for it, and that it could be treated with a bit of self-compassion and self-awareness.
Did you find it helpful? To learn about C-PTSD? How are you managing your anxiety? What are you doing for self-care? Because if tips are needed, this is the one I'd give you: self-care is #1 priority.
-I was afraid to invite friends over as a kid because I was worried my mom would get angry at me or my sister in front of them? one time she yelled at my friends when I had them over in front of like 10 people and I was mortified?
I am genuinely still scared of her?
My mom wouldn't scream at my friends. However, she would make my birthday intolerable, would make sure that I felt bad, wouldn't respect my boundaries and would bait me in front of my friends. To this day, my birthday is still a trigger to me. Luckily, my parents were separated, and my father was a bit better for birthday parties.
-my mom is deeply passive aggressive and the smallest thing sets her off, for example one time my older cousin bought my brother a $30 playset and my mom was so upset at both my brother (who was ~~ 8 at the time) and my cousin because it was "too expensive" (we are an affluent family). she screamed at my brother and cousin until we all shut down and I felt like I had to soothe her
This reminds me of a Christmas party where I decided I wanted to treat my family... Took my time and chose a special gift for everyone of them... Nice gifts, not expensive, but personal gifts that meant something, gifts that showed I knew them, gifts made out of love, really... I put an effort in it. When Christmas arrived, they opened their gifts and I was shamed by all of them for giving nice gifts at Christmas. I remember crying the next day, hidden in a room in the house. I still am not sure why my mother initiated the shaming... I think she was facing her own inadequacy to actually know us. Our gifts, growing up. were underwears and socks... She still thinks it is funny that I had to ask for underwears at Christmas. Let me tell you that if my daughter ever asks me for underwears at Christmas, I will KNOW I am failing at something!
I think what made me realize more than anything that maybe my mom wasn't who I had believed her to be was when I learned that she'd excluded my dad from a trip to England to see my sister (even though he wanted to go for his 50th) because said my sister "didnt want him there" (she never talked to my sister about it).
while I was home w my dad I did a bunch of bonding things w him to try to get out of my dismissive dynamic-- I have always been afraid to show love to him because it feels unsafe around my mom -- and she said that she felt "bad for me" and that I was only doing these things out of pity for my dad. my mom also micromanages what my dad eats to the point where if he eats something for lunch that shes also cooking for dinner she will be angry with him (& this is present in other aspects of life too).
I read up on this phenomenon and how my mom has turned me and my siblings against my dad & it's called parental alienation and super common in cluster b personality disorders. my mom is horrible to my dad but he doesnt really defend himself either. our family is still intact (although we used to ask my mom why she didnt divorce my dad because we disliked him so much) and me and both of my siblings are really really high functioning outwardly - top of our class, "good" colleges, socially capable, have friends, etc so it's easy to believe that nothing is wrong.
Yes, parental alienation is a real thing, also when the parents are separated. I thought I hated my father for a very long time... Only to realize later on that I had been conditioned for it... Truthfully, my father is the reason I am healthy today, the only one that was able to provide me with healthy, loving memories and a safe house to express my emotions(ish... He was also very neglectful and preferred his girlfriends to his children, but still better than nothing and mostly : good enough to lift me up and give me enough strength to stand up to my mother). I am not very closed with my father. Even more now that the veil about my mother's illness is lifted.
How is your relationship with you father now that you know about your mother's BPD?
As for school... Notwendy said it well: it was a safe place. I also excelled in school... Validation from the teachers was, at times, the only thing I could grasp at to lift me from the depression and suicide idealization, which started when I was 9yo.
You are not alone ! I hope this community helps you as much as it helped me and still helps me.
