Why?

[Carguy]

Hey family, it's been awhile since I posted on here.

So an update: ex reached out and told me how she loves me with everything she is, wants to be with me, truly doesn't want to let me go, ect. The same stuff I know a lot of you have also experienced.

We started talking, hanging out, then the B.P.D eventually came along again. Last week she told me all of the stuff above in response to my text (and that she wanted to make passionate love to me as well) and two days later that we need to just be done for good and go live our lives. I'm not even sure of the reason anymore on my end but a few days earlier she was asking me of some guy's mindset that was texting/coming into her work/trying to talk to her 5 times a day. She said it was scaring her and she blocked him. She thanked me that day for talking to her about it and even asked if she could tell him we were back together so he would leave her alone even though we weren't.

In her text a few days later she said:
Hey, I appreciate your help with giving perspective for that guys mind set. I think we need to go our separate ways once and for all. Go live our own lives.

I'm sure she decided to see where it goes with him. From telling me how she loves me with her everything and falls deeper in love with me each day and how she wants more and more to be with me and doesn't want to let me go to two days later this. Typical B.P.D. stuff I suppose. New Shiney toy.

My question is this though. She broke up with me but is writing letters to some of my family that has problems with her trying to 'heal' things between her and them. Why? We are not together, she broke up with me. Why is this important to her? I'm going to guess it may be a couple of things like ego (she doesn't want them to see her as bad because then she feels she is bad) and possibly a way to still keep a connection to me. I would like some perspective from other member on here though.

[Rafe]

Sounds perplexing and horrible. Seems like people with BDP move into things with new people, with zero regard for its impact on your feelings, all while trying to keep you aground as a backup option. This cycle will never end. I ended things With my ex because as much as I loved her and hoped this stuff will stop, IT WONT! It takes a very special person and lots of work and therapy for them to undo their patterns of destructive behavior. Do you want to endure years of torment waiting for this to happen. I’d ask your family to ignore her. Don’t engage her. It’s keeping you hung up and it validates her on some level. All while she does whatever she wants. 

[Turkish]

 (she doesn't want them to see her as bad because then she feels she is bad

This is a key insight, and speaks to the core of how pwBPD feel about themselves. Her feelings of connection to your family are likely sincere, even if how she's handling it is hurtful to you.

[SinisterComplex]

CG you kind of answered your own question here with "she doesn't want them to see her as bad because then she feels she is bad" - this is pretty much what it is.

As Turk mentions...her feelings towards your family are most likely sincere, but she cannot be viewed as bad because then she is just all bad. Granted you are being treated poorly, but you've been around a while so I am going to reiterate something to you again...try not to take it personally. You have to brush it off because it is what it is.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Carguy]

Thanks guys!

So I think I assumed  She left me for someone else when in fact she didn't. She  makes self help TikTok videos and because I followed her a while back when we were together it popped up in my feed. I watched it and in the video she says she has been reading the book 'Codependent No More' and says she has learned that in the past she felt she needed to be in a relationship to prove to herself that she was lovable. She says she is trying to overcome codependency. I agree that there was codependency on both sides of our relationship.

I also remember last year before she broke up with me then that she kept telling me she believes we are addicted to each other (also some truth there).

Thinking about those things I started thinking about the fact that they tend to leave when feeling engulfed. I also believe there is fear there. Fear of abandonment and a deep feeling that she is bad and not good enough. Although these things existed in our relationship (codependency, addiction to each other) and are things that could be worked on and changed, I have started to think that in her head it is possible that because of her fears and not feeling she is good enough, her inner voice convinces her that this relationship isn't real and that we don't really love each other but instead convinces herself it's something else like codependency or addiction and that there isn't any real love there.

She has been going to therapy regularly and I don't believe her therapist has came right out and diagnosed her as BPD. The last few years she had read and watched videos online and diagnosed herself having social anxiety disorder, then CPTSD, and more recently as having codependency struggles. She is right but I think these are symptoms of the bigger problem. I have to give her credit that she has been showing improvement. She has been catching herself at times of what she is doing and working to change it. I applaud her but I think she still had a long ways to go.

As far as why she is reaching out to my family, I thought it was something to do with her viewing herself as bad if in her head they see her as bad.. I also think she does things like that so on some odd level she can keep some sort of a connection to me even though she let me go.

This disorder is sad and hard for them and us and like you said SC, I need to learn not to take it personal. I admit that during the initial hurt it is very hard not to but there is that part of me that even during the hurt I know it has a lot to do with the disordered thinking.

As for now I'm working on 'The Self Esteem Workbook' and doing my own thing.