"Do you want the baby back?"

[osprey]

So here's what unfolded today, 7/13/2022.

It's late morning, and wife(39) is holding the newborn on the couch. She needed to go to the bathroom, so she puts the baby in pack-n-play (a "crib" if you will) and she goes.

Nothing out of ordinary.

Then the 1-month old baby fussed a little, so I(44) picked her up and fed her a bottle.

She came out of the bathroom, and sat down. Since I was holding her, I offered, "Do you want the baby back?"

Wife: ...

She pretends she can't here me, doing the eyes - I can't describe it well, sort of like threateningly gazing into ether. I call her by the name to get her attentnion, nice and calm but with sufficient volume so she can't claim I muttered.

She said that - if she said YES she isn't allowed to do anything she wants to do, and if she said NO then I would blame her for ignoring the child and for being a bad parent. And so - what kind of cruel person was I to pose such a question?

I said, no it's not like that. Ealier when you were really mad, you felt like an automaton. You felt like I was not treating you as human being. That I am not talking to you. So here, I thought I'd ask if you wanted to hold a baby, to address that feeling. See?

You see how "sick" this interaction is, but it goes deeper and darker. She goes; "I don't know what you want. Stay away. You don't treat me as a human being. I AM HURRRT. " to which I said, "hey... *I* don't want anything, just wanted to to feel... and then she interrupts me, STAAAAAP! STOP! STOP HURTING MEEEEEEeeeEEEE! AND STOP USING HERAS A HUMAN SHIELD!

...what? wha? which planet am I on? anyway. yes, the baby was in my arms because I asked if she wanted the baby back after a bathroom break, where does this human shield stuff comes from? That implies she wants to attack me but I am preventing that by holding a baby.

anyway. The day is only half done today.

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[Cat Familiar]

Unfortunately these types of ridiculous arguments are part of living with a BPD partner.

You are approaching her as if she is an emotionally healthy person.

Nothing wrong with asking if she wants to hold the baby again.

What followed is where the trouble began on your end. Sure, your response would be reasonable if she were an emotionally healthy woman. But she’s not.

You need to imagine BPD thinking. She may have thought you were being confrontational by asking that question.

So…let it go. She ignores you. Just keep holding the baby or put the baby down. And say nothing.

It serves no good to try to show her that she’s being an a-hole. Or to show her the hypocrisy in her behavior.

Once you see the train has derailed, and likely due to an earlier interaction, just get out of the way—in a pleasant manner. “Ok, I’m putting the baby back in the pack-n-play and I’m going to mow the lawn/do some laundry/put the dishes in the dishwasher/catch up on some email, whatever…

This gives her time to self-soothe for whatever it was that set her off.

[osprey]

So…let it go. She ignores you. Just keep holding the baby or put the baby down. And say nothing.

Good advice! Though, my challenge here is that after years of taking that approach, she (rightfully) feels that I'm always trying to pacify her and avoiding conversation. Though, when I do engage, with zero intention to fight, it tends to go sideways and BPD dimension unfolds before my eyes.

The things is, she's a practicing doctor. An MD. She can see patients and functions as a surgeon just fine at work. Can hold a very advanced academic conversation.  It seems it's just me that she unleashes this BPD stuff at the comfort and secrecy of home, which in turn makes her thing I am extraordinarily being cruel because everyone else in her world would not torture her so.

BPD is complicated!

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, BPD is a disorder of intimacy.

So let her think you’re trying to pacify her and avoid conversation when she’s being irrational. Then, other times, be extra participatory with her.

You cannot control what she thinks of you. Might as well just let her be her.