BPD Ex Boyfriend

[Bluerosebud]

  this may be a long post, but having read a lot over the past couple of months about BPD, my ex bf ticks every box. I’m hoping to get other people’s perspectives (who have more experience than me). Here goes….
I met him through my friend and we had an instant, incredibly intense, connection. After a couple of months I was the love of his life. Or so he said.
When I went away for a while for work there were instances during that time when I was unreachable and I would come back to a dozen texts accusing me of not caring. For context, I’m military, I was deployed and a little busy but always found time to text him when I could.
He has very emotional rage-filled outbursts, mostly coming from when he doesn’t understand the world I live in. He’s military too but isn’t a part of the group I work with.
He left me on that deployment for somebody he met at home, saying he “just couldn’t cope” anymore. A few months later we tried to make it work again and he cancelled when I was halfway across the country - he was having some problems with work and needed to go be with his parents instead.
We tried again briefly where I went to his place and everything was great until he woke up one morning and wanted nothing to do with me anymore. OVERNIGHT!
A few months ago he turned up and said he’d made a huge mistake and wanted to marry me. Told me I’m the only one he can see in his future and he’s never going to want anybody else, that I’m his entire universe and soulmate etc. Very, very intense. We tried for a few weekends of seeing each other and he told my friends he bought a ring. That weekend he was constantly asking me to validate that I loved him, always not believing me. It was great again and I thought we were making progress until literally overnight when he’s again done a complete 180 and now marriage is apparently for “idiots who are lying to themselves about being happy” and he wants nothing to do with me again. Another overnight turnaround.
I was so confused, but now I’m pretty certain I know what I’ve gone through for the last two years. Any clarification would help

[alterK]

Welcome to the forum, Blue. Sounds like you are having a hard time, and coming to this forum you have made a move in the right direction. You will find others here who have endured similar rides on the roller coaster.

I'll say two things. First, go to the "Tools" tab at the top of this website and look at "Book Reviews." There are books there that have helped, literally, thousands of people. You may have read some of them. There are lots. "Tips" also has good information.

Second, I'll be blunt. We don't diagnose here, but your boyfriend's behavior sounds very typical of BPD. Many of us (myself included) have experienced this kind of instant, wonderful connection, whirlwind romance, followed by very different things. Quick to anger. Trouble with separation.

Your BF is certainly doing a lot of what's called Splitting. He sees you either either as the world's sexiest fairy princess, or someone to the left of Cruella De Vil. Here's what's difficult to accept: Neither of these women is you. He isn't relating to you, but to someone in his head, constructed from his own needs and fears.

From what you are saying, it seems to me very unlikely that this man, much as he may say he loves and wants you, is really seeing you, the person you actually are. He will have a very hard time understanding you, being truly sensitive to what you need, being able to consistently be there for you.

This is a tough position for you to be in, because the good times with a person like this are so very good, and you just wish you could get them back. Sadly, very sadly, it doesn't work like that.

What we normally advise here is for a person in your position to get their rear end into therapy. I have a son who does therapy at a Vet Center, so I know about that, but that's, obviously, for people who are out. I don't know what's available to people on active service, and I'm sure that also depends on where you are stationed. But at least you will have this forum.

[Bluerosebud]

I will look in the Tools tab! Thank you so much for your reply, I am grateful for this forum