Conflicted Over Leaving... will it be better for the kids?

[BlueNavigator]

Long post, see bold questions at bottom

In May, just before moving out of state, I visited my church leader and "confessed" what my wife had been doing to the children and me. I was shocked when he said I might have to be prepared for divorce and a custody battle if it means keeping my kids (specifically our 4yo son) safe. Afterward, as I reflected, just the thought of the possibility of divorce filled me with hope and happiness.

In my view, it is not safe to leave her unsupervised with our son. Even when I am present and intervening she has grabbed him hard by the arm, threatened to abandon him at a gas station, threatened to lock him out of the house, and said she will break all his toys if he doesn't listen to her. Other times she insults him and calls him names. I am currently paying over $1k a month to keep him in an all-day preschool while I am at work (frequently 10 hours a day), and bending over backward to not leave him alone with her. When I tried to arrange for my son to go to my sister's house on my working weekends, my wife said she was "confident and comfortable" she could care for him without incident. She even tried to take both the kids last week to a family reunion by herself but I wouldn't let my son go with her.

And yet... she can be an intelligent and sweet mother. While I feel she neglects many of the duties a stay-at-home parent should take care of (I still spend several hours of my working days caring for children, laundry, dishes, bills, cleaning, etc) her efforts do help lighten the load. She is the primary caretaker of our 1-year-old daughter and while she gets angry at her "toddler-isms" and and yells there have been no threats or physical harm. There are incident-free days. She apologizes to our son after her outbursts. She wants to continue parenting and she wants to stay married to me. She accepts her diagnosis, sees a therapist, takes her psychiatric meds, did a group DBT workshop, and is looking to do another round of DBT. When my wife is gone, my son cries for her and says he wants to give her a hug.

If we did divorce and hypothetically by some miracle I had full custody of both the children I wouldn't be able to care for them without lots of daycare and support from my sister and brother-in-law. I read other posts on here about spouses and children who pre-divorce lived in a hellhole of a home because their BPD partners are daily raging/drinking/having affairs/committing domestic violence. I can't say I'm in that same situation.

I am having TONS of ambivalence over whether to try to divorce this year, two years from now when my training/work schedule has "cooled down", or try to commit to this thing long-term. Personally I'm emotionally burnt-out from our marriage but I love my kids of course and don't want to make things worse for them. I have read SWOE and "Raising Resilient Children with a Borderline or Narcissistic Parent" and still can't "get off the fence" about this decision.

What do you think could help me decide to stay or go?

Why is this decision so hard for me? Why do I seem to change my mind 2-3x a week?

She received her diagnosis about ten months ago, how long do you think is reasonable to wait for her to recover?

Any other advice?

Thanks.

[ForeverDad]

An excellent and inexpensive handbook essential to prepare for separation and divorce is:
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (2011) by William Eddy & Randi Kreger.

What do you think could help me decide to stay or go?
Depending on the intensity or extremes of the poor behaviors, you and the children would be better having your home separate from the erratic behaviors.  It may not be 100% of the time, just as they don't have you 100% now, but the difference is that they would have a calm and stable home with you during your parenting time.  As one book in the 80s quoted, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."

Why is this decision so hard for me? Why do I seem to change my mind 2-3x a week?
Because the poor behaviors alternate with "less bad" ones.  When it seems better then you find it hard to focus on how bad the bad incidents were.  We're built to hope for the best and so when things calm down we hope it will be a new pattern... but it doesn't last very long.  BPD is known for the intense ups and downs, an endless roller coaster.  Problem is, when it rolls into the station, we are conned into staying on the ride for yet another go-round.

BPD is known as a disorder that impacts most the close relationships.  They can't or won't truly listen to us due to the extensive emotional baggage of the close relationship.  People on the periphery may notice some odd behaviors but those closest (such as spouses and the kids) get the most exposure since they have private contact where the pwBPD feels free and justified to let loose.

She received her diagnosis about ten months ago, how long do you think is reasonable to wait for her to recover?[/quote]

Most don't seem to recover.  Yeah, that a reality check, isn't it?  PwBPD have an intense Denial reaction.  They can't perceive that they need to apply serious counseling over the long term in all facets of their lives - perceptions, thinking, behaviors.

Be forewarned that domestic courts, which typically handle divorce cases, are reluctant to address serious mental issues.  Most members here report that courts studiously avoid calling spouses out for misbehaviors.  Courts do rely more on documented evidence of poor behaviors, so you would benefit by doing likewise.  (Can you prove your spouse has seriously misbehaved?  recordings, texts, videos, etc?)  Courts often categorize conflict between spouses as bickering or short term emotions that will end once the divorce is final and the parents calm down.  Stats reveal that works in about 85-90% of the case, but our sort involve deep PD issues.

I was in and out of family court for several years, starting with alternate weekends in the two year divorce's temp order.  By the last appearance in court - several years later - I was both legal guardian and gained majority time during the school year.  That last court decision included a comment that my ex needed counseling but never ordered it.  To my knowledge she never sought therapy.

[GrtLakeDiver]

Man, my heart just breaks for you. I had to get to the point where I knew half the time away from her would be better than all of their time with both of us. Part of that equation was realizing I am not at all the dad I thought I would be- all of my energy went to making sure there is nothing that could set mama off (an impossible task in retrospect), trying to deal with my own emotional/psychological abuse, and wondering if maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing.

I'll add that I no longer go to church, but a lot of my ideas about relationships were formed there. We're supposed to sacrifice for others and honor our vows to God. I had to make peace with the idea that I made my vows to someone completely different  than who she really was and I think God understands that.

[zachira]

It seems you are in situation in which whatever you do, your children will be subject to some alone time with an unsafe mother. I would go and see a lawyer, to determine if there is any way you could put yourself in a likely position to get full custody of your children. Documentation is evidence, whereas memories without anything to show what you are saying is true, is often not considered to be evidence. I would ask a lawyer what is the best way to document how her abusive behaviors affect your children. Despite all the advice you receive, you may get to a point where you cannot be with your wife anymore or you can't get a divorce because you want to be there the maximum amount of time to protect your children. I would advise you to consider both scenarios while exploring how to get full custody of your children as soon as possible. I grew up with a mother with BPD, and having my father in the home was protective. I grew up in an era in which fathers rarely ever got primary custody of their children. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have to be alone with mom most of the time, with all her erratic behaviors. Your children are lucky to have a loving father. We are here to listen and support you, as you do what works best right now. Just know you have some hard decisions ahead of you, and what you decide to do now, may not be what you will do tomorrow. My best advice is to be prepared for all possible scenaries so you give yourself alternatives.

[ForeverDad]

Your children are quite young.  The older child can still benefit from counseling known as play therapy.  Your counselor could recommend some other counselors (in network) for you to interview.

Oh, and no more children with her, divorcing a pregnant mother or one with a babe in arms would make your goals even harder to achieve.

[BlueNavigator]

Thank you all. I will look into the Splitting book and try to find a lawyer to do a consultation with. This is obviously a difficult decision and I'm feeling some peace that it may take a while to commit to one course of action or another. And I have definitely already committed to avoiding any more babies.