He ruined our holidays and I'm resentful

[Melissinde]

Hey! Not my first post but I haven't been here in a while.

My (undiagnosed) pwBPD (+ 3 years, although we've known each other for 8 years) has ruined our holidays two weeks ago. We had barely been there for 24 hours when he had an episode, stopped talking me for the rest of the day then drove me back to our home the day after before leaving to his mom's where he stayed for the rest of the week. He had to come back as he was starting a new job.

Since then, he's been feeling terrible. Reading the testimonies here makes me appreciate that most of the time, my boyfriend does end up taking responsibility for his behaviour and apologises. He's been doing acting efforts to get better in the course of our relationship (started attending therapy, stopped smoking weed, active efforts to reduce his alcohol consumption). After the holidays debacle he said he was going to pay for a private psychiatrist (we're in the UK, we've been trying to go through the national health service to have it free but we've been waiting for a year). And Tuesday we started looking together, which increased his state of distress.

The problem is, the worse his crisis are, the more difficult it is for him to hold himself accountable. Which creates a vicious circle: I'm feeling really hurt, he doesn't want to engage with it and ignores me/gives me the silent treatment/builds up a story in which I actually am the bad guy, which hurts me even more etc.

So since the holidays, even though he admitted feeling very guilty, he hasn't been making much efforts to engage with my feelings. I had Covid last week-end and was fairly ill and he had another crisis while I was ill. And the last one, happened Wednesday and it got triggered because I wanted to talk about how I had been feelings and how his actions impacted me. He told me repeatedly that he didn't care (quite the trigger for me), left me to cry on my own (I really struggle with him doing this) and has been giving the silent treatment ever since, except yesterday morning where we argued through text while he was at work. Avoiding is his favorite method.

He accuses me of lowering his self esteem and other very vague stuffs. In those last 3 crisis he also told me either that he didn't know if he loved me/wanted to break up, which he hadn't done in a year (he said it wasn't true once he had calmed down, but it infuriates me he allows himself to pull that card easily).

So there we are, he's not talking to me, while he was on the process of making amends he switched and is now convinced I'm a terrible person and I feel extremely hurt for him ruining our holidays, saying a bunch of hurtful things during the crisis and each days he spends not talking to me is building up my resentment. I've been feeling so depressed, and even though I don't have Covid symptoms anymore I keep testing positive and I'm stuck in the house, unable to spend time with my friends.
It looks like once of those cases where he's gonna try to "go back to normal" without taking responsibility, which I cannot let him do. I've just had 3 very awful weeks because of it and I feel extremely resentful. I don't really know how to move forward.

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[bluebutterflies]

Hi Melissinde. I empathise with you as I am in a very similar position. My H was triggered one day, didn't speak to me for a month (we live together), I went on a 2 week holiday without him, that re-triggered him. After two weeks he reached out and we had a heart to heart. Similar to your pwBPD, he is apologetic, wants to seek help, regrets everything he said to me when he hurt me. But after being triggered in two days, we now haven't had that same loving relationship for about a month now. I am doing my best to be patient but it is difficult when my person also does not have the capacity to give me the validation that he still loves me.

BPD tends to focus a lot on the BPD person's feelings, because they don't know how to make sense of them or cope them. We tend to become their caregivers. It's important that you do not step in this role, do not apologise, and only validate what can be validated. Otherwise, he needs to learn how to manage his emotions on his own. Unfortunately this means that our feelings are swept to the side a lot. It's really up to them to decide how they want to move forward. If my H does not choose to improve, I will have to choose myself in the end.

A lot of what they say during emotional dysregulation has less or nothing to do with you, moreso that they cannot handle the hurt, shame, guilt (any emotion!) that they are feeling. You likely did not trigger him, he is just triggered and he needs to learn how to cope with those emotions. So while I completely understand just crying all the time because your needs aren't met (I cried a ton today!), learn to focus on yourself more and to not give him your attention. You can still check in, still remind him that you want to be together, but I've learned that trying to force him to get out of a split or to be emotionally regulated when he can't, results in me just being more upset.

My H and I have been generally not talking for almost 3 months now. It's horrible because otherwise, he is the most thoughtful and loving person I have ever met. So I understand how you must be feeling.

Take a seat back, rest and let yourself cope in the ways you need to. He will talk to you when he wants to. Otherwise, assess your feelings and how you want to move forward. For me, I've given myself until December and then I will reassess my marriage. In the meantime, if you havent already, learn DEARMAN and SET. Those communication skills help a ton.

What NotWendy said on this forum always stuck with me: you can only control yourself and what you do, so focus on that.

Best of luck to you!

[thankful person]

Hi Melissinde,

I just wanted to say I totally relate to your holiday being ruined. My wife ruined so many holidays and birthdays and every special occasion etc for so many years and it got to the point we’d be planning something and I’m just thinking, “Whyyyy? Are we wasting all this money to have a week of HELL?” I’d rather have a hellish week at work…” When we first planned our wedding I worried whether we could get through a day in front of everyone without screaming at each other. We ended up postponing it a year because I got cancer. Surprisingly the day actually went well though of course my wife has developed some bad memories of it since.

My wife doesn’t take any responsibility or ever apologise. I hope you get the help your boyfriend needs. We’re also in the UK. My wife was diagnosed bpd following a suicide attempt before we met, and she was also self-harming and eating disordered. She did dbt which helped her overcome those issues. She thinks she no longer presents bpd. But she is still controlling and paranoid and gets so angry and can’t see my point of view at all when she splits on me.

Have you read “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”? That book and the forum really helped me. I feel stronger and better able to handle my wife’s moods these days. She doesn’t get so angry usually as I work on not winding her up. We also have small children so their emotional well being is paramount and helps me to avoid arguing and shouting like I used to.

I don’t give my wife’s cruel accusations the attention I used to. I acknowledge her feelings (validate) without accepting responsibility for them. I have learnt to walk away sometimes. I have also taken back so much power where she had forbidden me from many things which I can now do again. It seems she likes and respects me more. Very strange.

Good luck with everything. It can be so lonely, I’ve found no matter how upset I get my wife says, “just DEAL with it!” She cares so much supporting all her friends with mental health issues. She even wanted to become a Samaritan but was rejected due to her own mental health history. I do think she would be good at it. But I’m the one person she has no sympathy for. It is a strange thing to say in a marriage. But I accept that she is emotionally disabled and I feel stronger not to show her when I feel vulnerable. It takes a lot of strength but I am so much more at peace since I found this amazing group of support.