Needing help 15 y/ teen with BPD.

[Traveler3]

This is my first post here. I am lost and needing some help. My 15 year old teen (they/them) has unofficially been diagnosed with BPD and I'm not sure what to do at this point. It is so isolating and I don't have people in  my life who can relate to parenting a kid with these issues. I have been reading all of the books I can get my hands on for parenting a kid with BPD and my teen is a text book example, when it comes to the symptoms. I am in therapy for myself just to have a place to vent and be heard. It is causing issues in my marriage, because we are in a constant state of crisis with little to no relief.

I have always been their "person". They have always had problems that were other people's fault, but they always leaned on me, almost in an overly dependent way. However, lately they now hate me, and no longer want to live with me for not letting them get multiple facial piercings for their birthday. They started having issues around 8 years old and I have had them in counseling with multiple different therapists since then. Currently, they are refusing any sort of therapy, and are solely taking medications prescribed by their psychiatrist. They are even hiding their medications and I have to physically make sure they take them twice a day. They failed several classes in school, have had to get stitches for self harm in the ER, have been caught with drugs/alcohol several times, can't maintain friendships, have had risky sexual encounters, and make terrible decisions with no impulse control (they even stole my car once).

I guess where I am stuck is that I don't see a path to take, to help them. They have flown under the radar just enough where they haven't hurt themselves bad enough or gotten in severe enough legal trouble to be forced into any sort of program. Some of this is due to me saving them from natural consequences, I admit, but I am now starting to understand what I am dealing with, now that I am learning more and more about BPD. I am their sole parent, along with my husband, their step father, and we don't ever get a break from damage control. I know that a lot can happen with a BPD teen over the next several years and my hope is that I can get them help to prevent some of the more major consequences that are likely to occur. However, it is really hard to find mental health resources for an unofficial diagnosis (due to their age), without a true addiction, and without a criminal record, who is also refusing to see a therapist.

Does anyone have advice on what to do next or what has helped others?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

Hi Traveler3,
Getting your child into DBT seems to be the all around consensus as your child still lives with you.  I think it will also help you and your husband.  I found this website offered a lot of great advice and steered me in the right (positive) direction:

https://positivepsychology.com/emotion-regulation-worksheets-strategies-dbt-skills/?msID=814ff226-0b6c-4004-bd3c-a99cac8c5269

Being careful to preserve your own marriage is very important.  I understand your concern with having to deal with this new hard reality 24-7 (from what you wrote I take it things are progressing to worse, not getting better), when what you'd rather focus on is your life.
 
b

[DoneMom]

Welcome - you are among people who understand!  I’m so very sorry that your child is suffering (and that you are too). 

You are in good solid company here and will receive good advice.  The (so many) people who have been in your situation are here & they can commiserate, advise you and even let you cry on their shoulders if that’s what you need. 

Your extremely valid concerns about your child are based upon having a lot of experience and knowledge of they/them.  You are seeing a change connected to adolescence…it is a rock/hard stone place to be,

It’s a hard road but you’ve found the best resource here & I can tell you that through my own experience -+it’s a bumpy ride at best!

My - only child - a well planned for, well loved daughter was diagnosed with BPD in 2012.  I don’t want to discourage you but I spent many thousands of dollars for her therapy (for her & for me) and many more thousands of hours & dollars  trying to help her start her life in her own way. 

She is now 27 and has a criminal record and a pending identity theft felony charge coming up next week She and the horrible boyfriend might try to explain WHY & How she & her loser boyfriend - (who is a 38 year old meth head)  stole 30k out of my bank account without my knowledge and/or consent over the course of just about a year. 

Anyhow - welcome here new friend!  I hope you find some peace & good ideas.  We all understand the immense that pain you’re currently feelings.

‘Here if you need me.

Penny

Take care,

DoneMom

Good luck, good wishes for you & you child!

It’s been the worst & most hurtful thing that has ever happened to me in terms of the good faith extended and getting back only grabby, secret grasping on her part.  She’s hurt me, her step father, her real father and his new wife.  She is our only child and we are both happily remarried and friends. 

My daughter’s symptoms came on rapidly right around age 15 and have never stopped.  At least you have some control over your own child they are still minor.

I truly wish you all the luck in the world.  Use your authority and power since they are still a minor.  Just watch them closely-use your sense and don’t put up with lies! 

Hang in - lots of help here!  ❤️

[Aralia]

Dear Traveler3,
I am new here myself and don't feel qualified to offer advice but I can tell you my dd has done the whole DBT thing twice.  I wouldn't say at all that it turned everything around, but on the other hand maybe we would be in an even worse place.  Also, it is done in groups so there is the aspect of the group helping to modulate and correct your child's behavior.  There is also a component that can help you as a parent.  I was thinking as I was reading this Board that I should look back at the materials for a refresh.  Sometimes the sincere, well-meaning reply we offer as parents is not the most productive thing to say.