Grieving the realization…

[WheresMyHalo]

Hi. This is my first post here but not my first experience with having a relationship with someone with BPD, however over the past few weeks I have been coming to the realization that my partner of a year and a half has BPD traits and I suspect BPD (not diagnosed). I am grieving this realization, as I know from previous experience how challenging the road ahead will be.

Some past history: my brother has BPD and my family has been riddled with challenges because of it. My amazing parents do the best they can, but are very codependent and cannot keep boundaries with him and are very enabling. More history is that years ago, I jumped into a relationship very quickly with a man and it got very ugly, very twisted, and ended in abuse, a protection order, stalking, etc. He lied about his entire life, including his real name. It’s a long story, but he has significant BPD and NPD, along with whatever else.

My current situation is that I have been dating a man for over a year and a half. Things are coming to light and in the past few weeks I have been really focusing on figuring out what has been changing and how to deal with our current issues (being his rage and mood swings, name calling, etc) and it really seems to me that he has definite BPD traits he is allowing to show. This summer has been stressful due to a number of life situations and things are not going well. It seems that with his increased stress level, he is letting it out (and he must be comfortable enough to show me this side and thinks I will take it).  I am devastated. I am going to have a conversation with him about my boundaries regarding name calling and criticism, but I know the path we are on and I’m just beyond sad. To me, there is a great chance this relationship won’t be successful as it won’t be healthy and likely he won’t ever seek help.

I just need to be surrounded by people who get it. Who live it or have lived it. I can’t believe this is happening but it truly is. If you’ve read this, thanks for hanging in there with me. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s such a common story for those of us who grew up with someone in our close family having BPD. When we have had a lifetime of exposure to it, we seemingly are not alerted to the behavioral red-flags like others, who’ve never previously experienced it.

Check out the Tools at the top of the page. As you probably are aware, seldom are conversations about boundaries successful. It’s better to implement boundaries to protect yourself, rather than expecting cooperation from your partner.

[PeteWitsend]

... seldom are conversations about boundaries successful. It’s better to implement boundaries to protect yourself, rather than expecting cooperation from your partner.

Agree with this.  They're not going to listen to your concerns and think about them... they're just going to hear you're unhappy, and react to that aggressively. 

Their brains process the information differently. 

Just start doing what you need to, and plan how you'll respond or not respond to their emotional response/explosion/extinction burst when they perceive themselves losing control over your behavior.

[PeteWitsend]

...

I just need to be surrounded by people who get it. Who live it or have lived it. I can’t believe this is happening but it truly is. If you’ve read this, thanks for hanging in there with me.  

it's tough and I've dealt with the feelings of hopelessness that come from feeling like your relationships follow a pattern.  

While people will say "you have a type" or "something about you is attracting these men/women" there's also more of an element of random chance in life than we like to admit.  You could've have easily met a man who was not BPD or on the spectrum in the first place and never gone down this path.  

I think one thing to keep in mind is to avoid relationships that develop too quickly.  I also have made this mistake.  Whether it's because we're "too nice" or "too trusting"... who cares?  It's something we can identify and work on.