Is it over?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I’ve lost count of how many times this has ended. Always by him. Always with no warning. Blocking and changing social media pics, removing our pic and putting up single him. I look at the last few months and clearly see the disfunction yet have hesitated walking away. He has no one except his teen son but that is short lived (lives away at school). But even their relationship is challenged. He has no friends. Has trouble holding a job which I attribute to his inability to control his filters, often making coworkers steer clear. Even now working remotely he still has issues. Anyway back to us. This week was a record of insults and verbal abuse. I noticed this pattern when his son stays with him. Even told him that. Like he's so self assured and doesn't need me - boys club behavior. The breakup came a bit out of nowhere. Spending a few hours at dinner talking and enjoying each other, but ending with something that didn't happen exactly as he saw (trivial bs if you ask me and certainly not grounds for splitting). This complete misunderstanding led to me leaving on my own, a few nasty “final” texts from him, then the antics listed above. Typically I wouldn't block him leaving the lines open. And typically we would talk a day or so after, and return to our couple-hood. This time I blocked him, silenced his notifications, and changed my profile pics from me and him to not. I’m trying hard to repeatedly remind myself of the horrible things he's said to me and how I should stay strong. Part of me is surprised theres been no attempts on his end but part of me fears (and hopes) he will come to his senses. So now I need that dose of reality from outsiders….

[Sayingwhentous]

I’ve lost count of how many times this has ended. Always by him. Always with no warning. Blocking and changing social media pics, removing our pic and putting up single him. I look at the last few months and clearly see the disfunction yet have hesitated walking away. He has no one except his teen son but that is short lived (lives away at school). But even their relationship is challenged. He has no friends. Has trouble holding a job which I attribute to his inability to control his filters, often making coworkers steer clear. Even now working remotely he still has issues. Anyway back to us. This week was a record of insults and verbal abuse. I noticed this pattern when his son stays with him. Even told him that. Like he's so self assured and doesn't need me - boys club behavior. The breakup came a bit out of nowhere. Spending a few hours at dinner talking and enjoying each other, but ending with something that didn't happen exactly as he saw (trivial bs if you ask me and certainly not grounds for splitting). This complete misunderstanding led to me leaving on my own, a few nasty “final” texts from him, then the antics listed above. Typically I wouldn't block him leaving the lines open. And typically we would talk a day or so after, and return to our couple-hood. This time I blocked him, silenced his notifications, and changed my profile pics from me and him to not. I’m trying hard to repeatedly remind myself of the horrible things he's said to me and how I should stay strong. Part of me is surprised theres been no attempts on his end but part of me fears (and hopes) he will come to his senses. So now I need that dose of reality from outsiders….

[Solarkey]

Once when I was very down about my BPD ex, a wise friend told me "Love should feel good." An oversimplification maybe but good words to live by. It helped me also to make a list of all the cruel moments with my  ex (I'm up to 77 incidents). I read it when I feel weak/start distorting the bleak reality of this person. It's not a happy task but it does give me strength. Hang in there! You're not alone.

[alterK]

Saying, if you read other posts on this board, and on the "Conflicting" board, you will see that your situation isn't unique, that many others have shared this problem. We have conflicting feelings--love, hate, forgiveness, anger, pity, outrage--to name a few. All of these feelings are real, and pretty much appropriate to the situation.

It sort of comes with the territory. The partners we're talking about have a great talent for splitting (meaning black and white type thinking). Typically our relations with them start with their treating us nicely, with good times that can last, more or less, for years. Then their feelings change. They see us as the enemy, and treat us accordingly.

With your partner his hostile feelings seem to be very easily triggered, witness all the problems he's had with people at work. When my wife moved out with no warning there was part of me that remembered all the good times we'd had together and longed to have that person back. There was also the part of me who felt betrayed, emotionally abused, and never wanted to see her again.

I decided that in order to start healing I had to accept the existence, and strength, of these conflicting feelings. I am at a point where I know I will never want her back, but that doesn't mean I don't feel huge sadness when I remember how things were in the years when we were getting along.

So my advice to you would be to accept these conflicting feelings within yourself, and also to move in the direction you know you have to in order to have a decent life.