I'm actually nervous about posting this

[StrongerDayByDay]

Hi.

Over the past year or so I have come to the conclusion that I am either insane and/or completely deluded, or my partner has untreated BPD.
I finally made an appointment with our finally doctor after canceling it several times. He is referring me to a counselor for support and coping techniques, but also made it very clear that he believes I am not the problem. He has been our doctor for 15 years or so and knows our family well.
Part of me was afraid he would see through the "facade" and "lies" I am told I display for everyone else. But then at least Idknow I was crazy and needed help, from someone other than my husband. I was relieved when he said that, and also added that while he really respects our family, he has seen things and heard things come out of my husband's mouth that seemed a bit concerning. He was glad I went in, and also made it clear that I may have a huge decision to make.
My husband has basically made it clear that therapy is a betrayal to him and that he knows I will simply lie to the therapist. I asked him to come with me. He said I would trigger him into losing his cool and then the therapist would believe my lies.
I'm exhausted but deep down despite still wondering if I'm crazy or a narcissist as he says I am, something in me is telling me I'm  not and to stay strong and I will be ok.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

If you are wondering if you’re a narcissist, by definition…you’re not.

Partners with BPD can do a real snow job on our self esteem and convince us that we’re the sole cause of relationship difficulties.

Do you think this threat that therapy is a betrayal is a bluff?

To me it sounds like his self image is so fragile, he’s afraid of being found out by an outside party.

[Husband2014]

This is a really good place for a boundary. My wife did that and threaded to leave if I booked a therapist. I still did and it helped. Obviously the first month or so of therapy are very rough because she took it out on me after pretty hard but that lead me to discover she has BPD. Can’t say I have it figured out but we are making progress. She used to accuse me of cheating and stealing and that’s all but gone. She used to trash my sister and now they are on decent terms. Now my biggest 2 issues is her absolutely inability to control herself in front of the children so I’m working through that.

Best of luck but bottom line you can’t change him only yourself and that’s the biggest thing I learned from this community.

[PeteWitsend]

...
My husband has basically made it clear that therapy is a betrayal to him and that he knows I will simply lie to the therapist. I asked him to come with me. He said I would trigger him into losing his cool and then the therapist would believe my lies.
...

This part... yikes!

I did some personal counseling for a few months, w/out telling BPDw (two years later, she became BPDxw).

It REALLY helped.  And I didn't tell her at the time b/c I wanted some mental space away from her and was sick of her mental games, lying, and manipulative behavior.

Therapy helped me regain my footing, so to speak.  After 3/4 sessions I remember the T laughing and saying something to me like "You're such a logical, rational young man, you have to wonder how you got yourself in this mess, with such a person."

That to me at least validated my view of things at home.  There were a few other times I'd be repeating something BPDxw got upset about, and almost apologizing for doing it, or for the person who did it, and the T chimed in saying "There was nothing wrong with saying/doing that in the first place.  It's a normal thing to say in that situation

Well, that helped me see that BPDxw was already warping my thinking more than I realized.  

It's hard to understand the extent of the disordered thinking when you're so enmeshed in it, and have to listen to it all the time when you're home.  Then tendency is to "compromise" mentally, and think the pwBPD may have some valid point... but no, they can be 100% disordered & dishonest, and you don't have to compromise with that.  Don't let them set the baseline of where the conversation can begin.

So If you feel you need therapy, get it. 

Prepare yourself mentally (and physically if he's physically abusive) for the "blowback" if/when he finds out you went or you tell him.  He'll be very paranoid about what was said, and will view it as a "betrayal"... not because it is, but because he'll feel he's losing control of the narrative

[Cat Familiar]

THIS 

So If you feel you need therapy, get it. 

Prepare yourself mentally (and physically if he's physically abusive) for the "blowback" if/when he finds out you went or you tell him.  He'll be very paranoid about what was said, and will view it as a "betrayal"... not because it is, but because he'll feel he's losing control of the narrative

[StrongerDayByDay]

This is a really good place for a boundary. My wife did that and threaded to leave if I booked a therapist. I still did and it helped. Obviously the first month or so of therapy are very rough because she took it out on me after pretty hard but that lead me to discover she has BPD. Can’t say I have it figured out but we are making progress. She used to accuse me of cheating and stealing and that’s all but gone. She used to trash my sister and now they are on decent terms.

That's amazing. Was it in essence due to you adapting your behavior and responses through what you learned in therapy? Like how to avoid being sucked in when they try to start fights, etc.?  I am feeling so exhausted and (pardon the pun) borderline hopeless right now.

[StrongerDayByDay]

Thank you for the replies.

One of his issues with me going is that he feels I only want someone to agree with me. He asked me to record the sessions to prove I wasn't lying about him. I was stunned. He then said my refusal proved I'd be lying.
We had a situation yesterday where I foolishly let my guard down, he isolated me and picked fight & wouldn't let go when I tried to stop it then turned it around and accused me of doing it. I'm so tired right now.
I just need, at the very least, coping skills to make itbearable until he either miraculously gets help or I develop the guts to leave. 25 years, step kids I am very close to, kids we have together (youngest is 13), grandkids, finances, property we are leaving the kids... it's not simple.
Ideally he would eventually get help bc he is wonderful when he isn't splitting or projecting (I am constantly accused of lying, yes I have lied, so has he, and he does regularly then lies about that and projects it onto me. He believes he is a man of honesty.).

[ThanksForPlaying]

It also helps me to think about my OWN therapy as a chance to work on myself and my own boundaries.

At first, it may feel good to talk a lot about pwBPD and just vent all the frustrations. But the real benefit for me is working on my own thoughts and actions.

I now go entire sessions without mentioning pwBPD by name - or at least just generalizing like "I don't like being lied to. When someone lies to me, let's discuss some ways I could handle it." Think about it as "even if I was not in a relationship with this person, I would still want to work on my future interactions with someone who treats me like this."

Now... explaining to someone with BPD that it's not about them can get twisted all kinds of ways - "so you're admitting you need therapy for yourself and I'm not the problem?" Don't fall into that trap. But it does help me personally in my own head to view therapy as truly working on MYSELF.

[StrongerDayByDay]

It also helps me to think about my OWN therapy as a chance to work on myself and my own boundaries.

At first, it may feel good to talk a lot about pwBPD and just vent all the frustrations. But the real benefit for me is working on my own thoughts and actions.

I now go entire sessions without mentioning pwBPD by name - or at least just generalizing like "I don't like being lied to. When someone lies to me, let's discuss some ways I could handle it." Think about it as "even if I was not in a relationship with this person, I would still want to work on my future interactions with someone who treats me like this.

Love this. So true. Oddly enough if we weren't together I would have tried a therapist years ago simply because of all the good it can do.

[oinoxn]

My BPD wife of 23 yrs has been sending me emails re narcissist.  Perhaps for some reason that is a default accusation they use.

[Husband2014]

That's amazing. Was it in essence due to you adapting your behavior and responses through what you learned in therapy? Like how to avoid being sucked in when they try to start fights, etc.?  I am feeling so exhausted and (pardon the pun) borderline hopeless right now.

.   

I read a ton of books and talked to 3 therapist but bottom line you have to find a way to get out of the heated situation with the least amount of damage possible because that’s playing in hostile environment. You have to find a way to play on your own terms. For example today my wife went out and came home 3 hours later and we were supposed to go to dinner at a relatives house. She then says she’s not coming and I said that’s fine and I took the kids and left. The moment the kids slept she exploded on me and started cursing like crazy so I just left the room and let her be miserable alone. Bottom line you have to find away to 1) not make things worse and 2) let her know you won’t engage with her when she acts like a lunatic. Doesn’t work all the time as you can tell I’m in the middle of a crappy situation but this community helps and the key is focus on you.