Wife displays many signs of BPD but no official diagnosis

[ThinnyDude]

Help. I am really lost right now and looking for some advise. I have been together with my wife for 10 years and have always had a sneaking suspicion that there was something else going on besides just normal changes in emotion. She is very strong willed, as am I, and we have had a lot of wonderful aspects of our relationship but then there are many dark moments. We now have a three year old son and are currently potty training which is causing even more stress for her and she has been saying a lot of mean and degrading things and I am trying my best to keep the peace (but often only end up making it worse). I am now at an impasse with working through the swings in emotions from day to night. She is quite stubborn and I don’t know how to bring up the subject of us getting some help and see if things can be worked through. Even the talk of us seeking help or “therapy” for us as a couple is a major taboo trigger for her. I have resorted to online diagnosis, which I know is probably horrible, but it’s the only way I think I can help myself understand and manage.
Any advice? I am not sure where to go from here. Maybe just try to seek out professional help or a therapist in my own time? I just don’t know

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[alterK]

Hi Thinny and welcome! Sure sounds like it's hard on the kid. Be aware, we don't try to diagnose anyone on these boards--but can you give us more examples of the problems between the two of you and the behavior that concerns you?

[Couscous]

Hi ThinnyDude,

I have two recommendations. Have an honest discussion with your child's doctor about this as soon as possible, and look into gentle/positive parenting classes and even parent coaching, that you can both attend, or you alone if she refuses. Therapy for you is also not a bad idea. It would be ideal if you could figure out a way to take charge of the potty training. It is very common for children of controlling parents to withhold their bowels as it is one area of their lives that their parents cannot control. I wish you all the best.

[Couscous]

This is one of my favorite parenting websites: https://www.ahaparenting.com/

There is a lot of really useful information on how parents can learn to regulate their own emotions, which is something that almost all parents can benefit from.