How to handle an unexpected encounter?

[iamupsidedown]

Hi, I'll be visiting the town soon where my BPD ex lives. I'm worried about the possibility of running into him. What's the best way to handle an unexpected encounter with a BPD ex?

Also, after some months, I feel like I've made some progress with moving on, and I'm concerned that I'll be thrown back into a preoccupation with thinking about him if I'm back in a place where there are so many memories and triggers around.

Has anyone experienced this before who can offer some advice?

[kells76]

Hi iamupsidedown, great question. Good idea to think this through ahead of time and come up with some plans.

I'm guessing you are done with the relationship, i.e. no hopes/dreams of restarting something?

Couple of ideas you can ponder:

One is "role playing" ahead of time some canned phrases/interactions, so that if/when you run into him, you've already practiced some low key, low investment things to say or do. I'm envisioning treating (externally, at least -- internally with your emotions, you may have a different experience) an encounter with him like you would running into a coworker in that town -- some pleasantries, but you don't prolong the conversation:

"Hi Coworker, nice running into you -- how are you liking Town? I'd sure like it better today if it weren't so hot! Well, I have an appointment I have to head to, great seeing you, take care"

Some of that might not fit, but the feel of "going through social pleasantries" could help -- really rote, stock phrases, where you don't have to pretend you didn't see the person, but you are in the driver's seat for how long the interaction lasts, and it'll be ~1 minute maximum.

Another thought -- are you going to this town with anyone else? If not, could you bring a friend or family member? I wonder if running into your ex might seem less daunting if you have some support.

Hope that helps get some ideas started;

kells76

[iamupsidedown]

Hello Kells76,

Thank you, that's a great idea - to approach it as I would a coworker.

If he's with friends though, or he's far enough away from me that I'd have to walk over to him - wondering if a smile and a wave would suffice, or if that would seem cowardly.

I'm well past any hope of reconciling, but there's still a part of me that clings to a fantasy of him apologising to me one day. I know that's unlikely, and anyway, I would not expect it from a random encounter in public – I would want to leave as quickly as possible. Things did not end on good terms, and I'm the one who left him – maybe that helps to give some perspective.

I'll be travelling alone but spending time with friends when I arrive there in town. Planning to avoid as much as possible the areas with too many memories or that my ex frequents. It seems unfair that after all this time I am still walking on eggshells, but seems like the best way.

[kells76]

If he's with friends though, or he's far enough away from me that I'd have to walk over to him - wondering if a smile and a wave would suffice, or if that would seem cowardly.

Another good question to ask and, fortunately, the answer is within your power!

You can think about what you want. Do you even want to engage with him? If not, there's no requirement "for politeness" or for any reason that you have to cross the street to talk to him. You can have integrity in that moment of maybe seeing him across the street, smiling and waving, and keeping on walking. That leave the ball in his court, so to speak. You can also plan ahead -- if he responds to the smile and wave and comes towards you, you can decide now what you would want to do. If not, you can rest assured that you did a pleasant and normal acknowledgement and moved on with your day. You aren't going to "make a mean face" at him or snub him. Smiling, waving, and continuing on is super normal.

It's up to you and your goals/integrity what a smile and wave would mean. There's no inherent rule that it means you're weak or cowardly for not wanting to engage with him. After all, you're in that town for a completely different reason, right?

there's still a part of me that clings to a fantasy of him apologising to me one day. I know that's unlikely, and anyway, I would not expect it from a random encounter in public – I would want to leave as quickly as possible.

Yes, that's good to do some cognitive assessment of the reality of running into him in public. Part of you hopes/dreams for closure, yet you are able to rationally examine what would likely happen, and not pin unrealistic hopes on "one magical encounter".

Have you ever heard of the acronym "BIFF"? It stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. I think there may be a link on the site to an article; if not, a Google search for BIFF can give you some more info. It's one approach to dealing with disordered people in a way that is effective, not unkind, and lets you hold on to your integrity. Worth a look.

[iamupsidedown]

Hi kells76,

I'm afraid I may be feeling some anticipation anxiety ahead of the trip I mentioned. I'm worried that this may be causing me to relapse after many months of hard work. I now wonder if spending time in that town is even a good idea. I'm realising that it's still difficult for me to separate the place from thoughts of him. Unfortunately, I have an appointment there that I must attend, and I've made plans with old friends.

My concern about the possibility of unexpectedly seeing my ex has now led to thoughts of intentionally "running into him". I have also returned to thoughts of sending him a letter, which I already abandoned some months ago after much effort. I feel an urge to explain to him how I've felt because I still can't live with the fact that he won't acknowledge what I went through, instead blaming me for the way things ended. I never wanted to hurt him, but the situation had become critical and I was only thinking about my safety. I didn't realise it until later that much of his episodic behaviour had been triggering an intense fear in me due to my own childhood trauma.

It seems he's largely moved on and is happier now, and this makes it even harder when I also hear he never wants to speak to me again. Although I know there is a lot of partying and drugs and sex going on with him, so maybe it won't last.

I'm worried that during my visit I may spend too much time thinking or seeking new information about him, or to make contact. This feels like an addiction is coming back to haunt me.