How to set boundaries after suicide attemp

[PascaleP1]

My daughter is 25. Whenever I plan a vacation with her 13 year old brother and sister (from another father) she feels left out. She doesn't live with us anymore, has a job and absolutely adore her siblings. I really don't get it.

We left yesterday for a 4 day trip not far from here. She attempted suicide. She left a note to her partner not to tell me anything before the end of our trip.

We came back as soon as we were made aware of the situation. In the letter she left me, she said that she has these ideas in her head for the past 13 years...

I'm sad, scared and angry as hell. This is manipulation even if she can't help it. I have to get her from the hospital in a few hours and I need to start setting boundaries. 

I am afraid of triggering something if /when I will say something.  Any advise?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi PascaleP1, glad you found us. This is the right place to vent, get support, and lean on others who are on similar journeys.

When a child has BPD or BPD-type traits, "normal range" parenting often isn't successful, as pwBPD don't have "normal range" emotional responses. Whereas a typical 20-something living independently with a job schedule will understand that "no, I don't get to have the same experiences as young teen siblings, and I might feel a little sad, but I get it" (about a parent making a "normal" plan to do something with some but not all the kids), a pwBPD may feel harmfully intense emotions and be "convinced" of being abandoned/betrayed.

I'm sad, scared and angry as hell.

Yes. Makes sense.

This is manipulation even if she can't help it.

Also makes sense that you feel so manipulated/"strings pulled", and whether she meant to or not, in a way doesn't matter.

I have to get her from the hospital in a few hours and I need to start setting boundaries.

Is she still on your insurance?

Can I ask, who sent her to the hospital? Her partner? If so, what's your relationship with her partner like?

I am afraid of triggering something if /when I will say something.  Any advise?

There's a phrase that gets brought up here: "Before we can make things better, we have to stop making things worse".

This isn't to assign blame or fault. It's more to recognize that yes, we want more positive/healthy relationships with the pwBPD in our life, and we may be doing things or saying things that inadvertently "fuel the fire". To get to those positive/healthy relationships, we need to identify the things we're saying or doing -- even to help -- that might be sending things in the opposite direction, and try stopping doing those things.

One doorway towards something different to try would be the concepts of validation/not being invalidating.

"Validation" could be seen as the "making things better" side, while "not being invalidating" is more the "let's stop making things worse" side.

Here's a link you can check out, about how to be less invalidating:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Let us know what you think and if it's something you feel up for trying -- I hear you when you say you don't want to trigger something and are looking for advice on how to say/do stuff that doesn't escalate.

Hope you guys had some peaceful moments in the last few days.

kells76