BPD Ex Ignoring His Loved Ones

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all, I'm new here but need some advice. My ex recently broke up with me. The whole situation was sudden. We were supposed to move back in together starting in August and the day before the breakup he sent me all the documents necessary to fill out or lease application so I believe the break wasn't exactly planned.

My mom came to visit me and just like the last time she visited he seemed upset. Last time he also got into a fight with me and ignored the both of us the entire week she was over for Christmas. We talked about it and he apologized and said next time he would make an effort to set it right. This time we went to dinner and it was actually great, they were even taking selfies together. Next day we all went to the beach and he was in a terrible mood again ignoring or giving one word responses to the both us all day. After he dropped us off from the beach I got back into his car and asked if he was okay and he told me "you will never see me again. I stopped loving you a long time ago." I started crying and he told me to "calm down and please get out of my car I need to go."

Immediately after I was blocked from his phone and all apps. I blocked him back and my mom extended her visit to help me find my own place to live as I needed to move out in 3 weeks and I already gave notice thinking we would move in together.

I've gone no contact, blocked him back on everything, started seeing a therapist. I'm actually on antidepressants now, rebuilding my life and reconnecting with old friends. Still super anxious at times but it's slowly getting better.

My issue now is that his family keeps reaching out to me online trying to contact him. His mom said he blocked her the day after we broke up. I told her he broke up with me and blocked me as well. I gave her his roommates information so she could try that way. She told me "you're a good girl sorry you didn't succeed with him but I've been around much longer." I've now blocked her and his sister from my social media. This was 2 weeks ago. Now his close friend from back home reached out this morning also saying he hasn't heard from him in a month and if I could please tell him where he is.

I honestly don't know where he is or how he's doing. The last I saw he created a new Instagram account and is following a bunch of girls (including my best friend, which is how i found out). She said he messaged her trying to hangout with her which really upset me and honestly disgusted me how he would go for my friends.

I haven't responded to his friend although I saw the message this morning. I don't know what to do? It's really not my problem anymore and he's being awful to everyone. I feel bad for him which I hate to admit because he treated me so poorly. Still, obviously no one who is mentally okay would ignore their friends and family and immediately start trying to hit on their ex of over two years best friend.

He is clearly not well. I don't know how or if I should respond to his friends and family if anyone has advice? I hate feeling that they hold me responsible for his well being. My therapist is out this week on holiday so i'm not able to ask him and don't want to keep talking about this with my friends.

Thank you so so much any guidance is super appreciated.

[GirlFromLA]

Hi all, I'm new here but need some advice. My ex recently broke up with me. The whole situation was sudden. We were supposed to move back in together starting in August and the day before the breakup he sent me all the documents necessary to fill out or lease application so I believe the break wasn't exactly planned.

My mom came to visit me and just like the last time she visited he seemed upset. Last time he also got into a fight with me and ignored the both of us the entire week she was over for Christmas. We talked about it and he apologized and said next time he would make an effort to set it right. This time we went to dinner and it was actually great, they were even taking selfies together. Next day we all went to the beach and he was in a terrible mood again ignoring or giving one word responses to the both us all day. After he dropped us off from the beach I got back into his car and asked if he was okay and he told me "you will never see me again. I stopped loving you a long time ago." I started crying and he told me to "calm down and please get out of my car I need to go."

Immediately after I was blocked from his phone and all apps. I blocked him back and my mom extended her visit to help me find my own place to live as I needed to move out in 3 weeks and I already gave notice thinking we would move in together.

I've gone no contact, blocked him back on everything, started seeing a therapist. I'm actually on antidepressants now, rebuilding my life and reconnecting with old friends. Still super anxious at times but it's slowly getting better.

My issue now is that his family keeps reaching out to me online trying to contact him. His mom said he blocked her the day after we broke up. I told her he broke up with me and blocked me as well. I gave her his roommates information so she could try that way. She told me "you're a good girl sorry you didn't succeed with him but I've been around much longer." I've now blocked her and his sister from my social media. This was 2 weeks ago. Now his close friend from back home reached out this morning also saying he hasn't heard from him in a month and if I could please tell him where he is.

I honestly don't know where he is or how he's doing. The last I saw he created a new Instagram account and is following a bunch of girls (including my best friend, which is how i found out). She said he messaged her trying to hangout with her which really upset me and honestly disgusted me how he would go for my friends.

I haven't responded to his friend although I saw the message this morning. I don't know what to do? It's really not my problem anymore and he's being awful to everyone. I feel bad for him which I hate to admit because he treated me so poorly. Still, obviously no one who is mentally okay would ignore their friends and family and immediately start trying to hit on their ex of over two years best friend.

He is clearly not well. I don't know how or if I should respond to his friends and family if anyone has advice? I hate feeling that they hold me responsible for his well being. My therapist is out this week on holiday so i'm not able to ask him and don't want to keep talking about this with my friends.

Thank you so so much any guidance is super appreciated.

[Turkish]

It's indeed not your problem anymore that he's being awful to everyone. Does that help you, if even a little though, not to take it personally?

You responded kindly to his relatives. You were kind and that's a testament to you. 

You could respond to his friend similarly, or ignore it.  No right or wrong there. I'd bet that this all might not be surprising to anyone that's known him a long time. You're not responsible for his feelings, nor even more so, responsible for mending the choice he made to emotionally cut off everyone else.

[kells76]

My issue now is that his family keeps reaching out to me online trying to contact him. His mom said he blocked her the day after we broke up. I told her he broke up with me and blocked me as well. I gave her his roommates information so she could try that way. She told me "you're a good girl sorry you didn't succeed with him but I've been around much longer." I've now blocked her and his sister from my social media. This was 2 weeks ago. Now his close friend from back home reached out this morning also saying he hasn't heard from him in a month and if I could please tell him where he is.

How was your relationship with his family, when you were together? Generally OK? I'm with Turkish, I'd be surprised if they didn't know that there was more going on with him than the average person could see.

If his family members and/or friends keep reaching out to you, perhaps believing you two still have some connection, it would be pretty normal to respond with something like:

"Hi Family and Friends; Unfortunately, due to how our relationship ended, there is no longer any form of contact between Ex or me, and I have no information that could help you get in touch with him. If anyone else asks you if they should reach out to me to contact him, feel free to let them know that I'm unable to help -- I truly don't have any more info than any of you. Thanks in advance for your understanding. Best; GirlFromLA"

Thoughts?

[Couscous]

I hate feeling that they hold me responsible for his well being.

And this is exactly what he’s banking on, and might be something to prioritize working on in therapy.

You are on the right track with regard to blocking them. It’s clear that he’s messing with you and playing some kind of game. Contacting your friend is part of it too. All of these people coming out of the woodwork to contact you are being manipulated by him and are likely as sick as he is — birds of a feather flock together. It does sound like he has some ASPD going on too, but hopefully your therapist will have some insight on that.

The bottom line is that you do not owe him, nor anyone connected to him, any kind of empathy whatsoever. Hopefully he will lose interest and move on to his next unfortunate target so you can get on with your recovery put all of this behind you for good. Best wishes to you!

[SinisterComplex]

It's indeed not your problem anymore that he's being awful to everyone. Does that help you, if even a little though, not to take it personally?

You responded kindly to his relatives. You were kind and that's a testament to you. 

You could respond to his friend similarly, or ignore it.  No right or wrong there. I'd bet that this all might not be surprising to anyone that's known him a long time. You're not responsible for his feelings, nor even more so, responsible for mending the choice he made to emotionally cut off everyone else.

So Miss LA I am going to back up Turk here because he essentially said what I would have. You must find the strength in yourself to resist the urge to act. You have no obligation to do anything other than to move on with your life and live your life to the fullest. Don't feel bad about that either. Life is too short. Do not waste a moment.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-