Coping with Obsessive, Frantic Texts

[WitzEndWife]

I'm trying to be as "civil" as possible in the separation period with my STBX, which has involved allowing him to store his tools and car parts at my home for a time. My lawyer and I are now pushing his lawyer for a date to get them out. Ideally, my STBX would get a job, where he would be able to store his tools, but so far he has not made any moves to find a new job and has decided to focus 100 percent of his time toward moping on the couch, forcing his mother to pay for all of his expenses.

Anyway, because of those things needing to be removed from the house and a few odds and ends remaining to be cleared up, I haven't blocked his phone number. Of course, that has left the door open for him to contact me, which he has done, obsessively, for the entire time. I do my best not to respond at all and I don't answer his phone calls, but I have occasionally had moments in the past where I have JADEd in a text response, and I do realize that has provided the intermittent fuel to keep him going. So, even if I don't respond for a week of constant texts and calls and I have one single moment of weakness, that's enough to keep him going ad infinitum.

I have taken to writing a JADE note in my phone instead of texting it to him, just to relieve that "itch" to respond, and it does help. I'm also reading "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward, which is helping me as well. I do have legal recourse if it gets too aggressive or annoying into the future, but I guess I'll see how it goes. He seems to be stuck and not moving on whatsoever, but eventually we will have to resolve and settle the divorce, so he is going to have to accept it or we will need to start legally compelling him to comply.

I just want this to be over with. It hasn't even been six months and I'm exhausted already. I thought leaving him was the hard part. This part is way worse.

Any other tips to help me not respond to him? I'm all ears.

[once removed]

do you have a trusted friend that would be willing to read the texts?

if so, is there a way to reroute the texts?

if so, reroute them so that you dont see them. have the trusted friend relay only the very important stuff to you.

[GaGrl]

How much needs to be "temporarily" stored?

Can you have it all moved to a rental storage unit, prepay 90 days, and tell him he is responsible for anything after the 90 day storage? Ask your lawyer.

[arjay]

How much needs to be "temporarily" stored?

Can you have it all moved to a rental storage unit, prepay 90 days, and tell him he is responsible for anything after the 90 day storage? Ask your lawyer.

I like this idea...

[WitzEndWife]

I think I'm going to have to get a professional mover to get all of his stuff out and into storage, so that's something for my lawyer to settle with his lawyer.

He has been texting me all day long. I am getting really aggravated with this constant begging and then guilting and trying to malign me for ruining his life and wanting a divorce. Seriously, it's like every 10-15 minutes, it seems. Do partners with BPD ever move on? I'm beginning to get concerned that this will never end.

[I Am Redeemed]

When I first left my ubpdxh, he would literally call like 96 times in a row as well as text and messenger.

It didn't stop until I could block him.

To this day, 5 years later, I still keep my phone on silent because I hate hearing notifications.

He did eventually move on.

[WitzEndWife]

When I first left my ubpdxh, he would literally call like 96 times in a row as well as text and messenger.

It didn't stop until I could block him.

That's why I feel like I need to at least act as if he is blocked. It's easier said than done. He is SO manipulative. Yesterday, he got to me twice. Once, he told me he needed to talk to me because there was a problem. I said if the problem related to the marriage, then I didn't want to talk to him. He said it didn't, so I called. It was some nonsense accusing me of giving my work his new address, which I don't think I did, but regardless he then started talking about the marriage, so I said I wasn't talking about that and hung up. Later that night, he messaged me that he was in urgent care and I asked why. He said, "A broken heart." Sigh.

I feel that he is going to be more and more dramatic when it comes to trying to earn my sympathy. He has threatened self harm, but I don't think he will do that.

All he is doing all day long is moping around texting me. I can't imagine that his mother appreciates his lack of initiative toward finding work and supporting himself, since she is paying all the bills that I am not paying.

Boy, am I kicking myself for getting involved with this guy in the first place. I would not wish this experience on anyone. It is so hard just to get away and move on. It's like picking up a child that has thrown themselves on the floor. He refuses to move on in any way and is obsessed with me. I have to stop responding. This intermittent reinforcement is only encouraging him on.

[I Am Redeemed]

I think the sooner you can get your lawyer to help you be able to get his stuff out without action from him, the better off you will be mentally and emotionally.
He has no initiative to get his stuff from you because it's the last line of connection to you.

[WitzEndWife]

I think the sooner you can get your lawyer to help you be able to get his stuff out without action from him, the better off you will be mentally and emotionally.
He has no initiative to get his stuff from you because it's the last line of connection to you.

I agree. It's incredible how much time he's had to get his stuff out and how much is still there. I will have to set some time to just put it all together and then have movers come take it to a storage facility.

This is so hard for me emotionally, even though I'm trying to stay strong. He is making my life miserable because I really do feel for him and his suffering. I hate knowing that he is so afraid and sad. But I also know that I'm not going to be able to fix him, nor should I. There's nothing I can do. Still, it's painful getting these messages every day.

[I Am Redeemed]

He's telling you he's afraid and sad. The reality might be that he's only sad about losing the sweet deal he had going and being afraid that he can't get anyone else to support him financially as you did.

[WitzEndWife]

He's telling you he's afraid and sad. The reality might be that he's only sad about losing the sweet deal he had going and being afraid that he can't get anyone else to support him financially as you did.

I think that is true. Not to say that he didn't have affection for me, but I do think it's more of the safety and stability that I afforded him by being the only breadwinner and supporting him for so long. Because he was kicked out of his home at such a young age and abandoned by his mother, he has a deep fear of growing up and being responsible. He was never taught how and he was never eased into it, so somehow he learned to get by without having to fully take responsibility for himself. And now he's in his mid 40s and has to make a go of it. I keep hoping he'll find someone else, but I guess he figures suckers like me don't come around that often.

I saw a quote once that said to replace the word "love" for "use" with certain toxic personalities. So, when he tells me, "All I ever wanted was to love you," I can think, "All he ever wanted was to use me." Not that it's necessarily intentional, but he doesn't know any other way.

[I Am Redeemed]

My ex is also in his mid-40's and the similarities are striking.

The biggest lesson I learned in my breakup was how to feel sad about someone's situation while also not feeling responsible for it or his feelings.

His upbringing is sad. It's unfortunate. It doesn't excuse his behavior and it doesn't mean you can heal him.

[WitzEndWife]

My ex is also in his mid-40's and the similarities are striking.

The biggest lesson I learned in my breakup was how to feel sad about someone's situation while also not feeling responsible for it or his feelings.

His upbringing is sad. It's unfortunate. It doesn't excuse his behavior and it doesn't mean you can heal him.

Agree. I am learning to detach from feeling responsible for his emotions and consequences. Interestingly, if I let myself cry and feel sad about it, it helps. It's like I release the sadness instead of holding onto it.

[Cat Familiar]

There’s a lot to grieve. Those feelings need expression. It takes a while. Be patient with yourself.

It’s helpful not to get into black and white thinking patterns, like our BPD partners do. But it is tempting, when ending a relationship.

You loved the good parts of him and harbored a hope that this side would prevail. We all do. But, as you know, he is a much more complex individual and has a lot of self sabotaging tendencies that he is unlikely to recover from.

It’s very sad to know that our exes are out in the world hurting, and continuing to shout themselves in the foot, but this is the reality we face. And there is nothing we can do about it.

It’s a good time, however, for self kindness and exploration of our own patterns which allowed us to accept poor treatment. And I know you are doing that in therapy.

I hope your new rescue dog settles down. It’s likely he will be calmer with less stress in your life. Enjoy time with your horse! Equine therapy is the bomb!

[WitzEndWife]

Well, this wave of texts has stopped. He's so strange. He will flood me with messages and texts, calls, and post constantly to his Instagram stories, and then abruptly stop everything. I don't know if it's a ploy to get me to worry about him or what. I did fall for that the last time and asked people to check on him because he had just screeched all activity to a halt and had been talking about self harm. But now I think it might actually be intentional to some degree.

The good news is that the more detached I am, the less distressing this is. I am communicating with my lawyer on getting the rest of his stuff out of my house. I hope we can start moving that forward as well. I'm so done with this!

[kells76]

That's great that you have a plan to take care of his stuff 

In regards to this:

... He will flood me with messages and texts, calls, and post constantly to his Instagram stories, and then abruptly stop everything. ... I did fall for that the last time and asked people to check on him

Given that there are people you can ask to check on him, I wonder if you could set up a "no news is good news" thing with those people (or with one of them who is most trusted). Basically, instead of you being the one to reach out to that person to say "OMG, he stopped texting, is he OK", rather, could you ask that person: "If you hear that he is in the hospital/dying/[whatever specific criteria you have], will you please let me know, otherwise I don't need to know".

Then, if you don't hear anything from that person, you're set. You don't have to keep wondering, reaching out, etc. It's not on you. No news is good news.

Anyway, food for thought for some problem solving...

[WitzEndWife]

I am now really connected to a mutual friend of ours whom he has leaned on significantly for support. He would absolutely let me know if there was something to be concerned about, so my focus is and needs to be on removing him from my life. I'm making lots of progress where that's concerned, so hopefully this will all be resolved soon.

[kells76]

I am now really connected to a mutual friend of ours whom he has leaned on significantly for support. He would absolutely let me know if there was something to be concerned about

That's awesome! Sounds like you have a solid reason not to reply to any texts/emails from your ex about being in crisis, because you know that the mutual friend will give you the straight story.