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Topic: Patterns (Read 867 times)
dtkm
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 133
Patterns
«
on:
August 02, 2022, 08:59:58 AM »
Patterns...we all know them and know to expect them, but for some reason I let it knock me down each time. I work part time. Every day that I leave for work, my husband (w/BPD) gets set off...the same thing every week. Things could be going great the day before, I wake up and get ready for work and bam, my husband acts like I have committed the biggest crime ever! He has accused me of "not going to work", of "having several affairs at work", of you name it he has accused me of it, despite me inviting him to come visit me at work whenever, me taking pictures of myself in my office all day, me passing a lie detector test (though according to him I slept with the person who runs the test so that is how I passed that...what! ugh). He won't talk to me or respond to my texts, he literally just treats me (and my kids, his step kids) like we don't exist. As a side note, he also ignores anything that has anything to do with me during these times, my family, the daycare lady, etc and is often very off in everyday life, like he will leave the water running in the bathroom sink after he washes his hands and even leave the house with it running. I have tried ignoring him back, the "I will hurt you just as much as you have hurt me" response. All that does is separate us more, which is not what I am going for. I would like to try to "ignore" the fact that he is set off and just continue life as usual, but I always find it hard to do so. How do you continue on with normal life when a big part of that normal life is ignoring you/acting out. I always feel like the whole house is on alert when he gets set off that I don't know how to continue as "normal". He stalks my every move at home during these times, yet won't lift a finger to help with anything either, he also divides the kids during these times. In the past he has gotten upset that I have made plans for the kids and not involved him in the planning, but when he won't speak to me, why should I involve him? Do I just try to involve him and keep moving on as if he as answered even if he hasn't? Any suggestions on how to continue on with normal life for me and all of the kids when he get set off?
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Cat Familiar
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Re: Patterns
«
Reply #1 on:
August 02, 2022, 10:05:08 AM »
Paranoia can be a component of BPD. It won’t be dispelled through offering evidence disproving the allegations, as you’ve experienced. Trying to do so will only confirm to him that there is basis in what he is accusing.
He’s getting attention, albeit negative attention, through his behavior. You’ve undoubtedly been trying to break through the silent treatment, so that is rewarding unwanted behavior.
Many members here take advantage of the time their partners *check out* and pursue their own interests, rather than trying to reestablish communication.
If you no longer give him a desired objective (your attention), these behaviors will begin to fade away as they will no longer be effective.
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“The Four Agreements 1. Be impeccable with your word. 2. Don’t take anything personally. 3. Don’t make assumptions. 4. Always do your best. ” ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
dtkm
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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 133
Re: Patterns
«
Reply #2 on:
August 02, 2022, 10:29:32 AM »
Thank you for your response! They are so helpful! I guess my next question is how do I do that? He works from home most days. Do I try to communicate with him as usual, ie. I am going to go to the store, do you need anything? Or do I just go? Do I let him know about all of the kids activities, ignoring if he doesn't respond, or do I just set them up and bring them? Do I just live my life as normal, communicating as I would but not responding to his not responding to me? I don't know how to not respond to his ignoring me outside of ignoring him, but I feel like that is giving him "attention". He often tells me to not make him dinner during these times, do I follow through with that or do I just continue on doing so, throwing his dinner out when he doesn't eat it? Sorry I feel like my questions could go on and on!
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Cat Familiar
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Re: Patterns
«
Reply #3 on:
August 02, 2022, 11:05:37 AM »
Yes, tell him you are going to the store and ask if he wants anything.
You can try asking if he wants to hear about what activities the kids are doing today. If he says “no” or doesn’t reply, then you have your answer.
“I’m making lasagne. Would you like some?” If no, or no answer, then don’t serve him dinner.
Believe him when he says no.
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“The Four Agreements 1. Be impeccable with your word. 2. Don’t take anything personally. 3. Don’t make assumptions. 4. Always do your best. ” ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
PeteWitsend
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Re: Patterns
«
Reply #4 on:
August 02, 2022, 11:54:51 AM »
Quote from: dtkm on August 02, 2022, 10:29:32 AM
Thank you for your response! They are so helpful! I guess my next question is how do I do that? He works from home most days. Do I try to communicate with him as usual, ie. I am going to go to the store, do you need anything? Or do I just go? Do I let him know about all of the kids activities, ignoring if he doesn't respond, or do I just set them up and bring them? Do I just live my life as normal, communicating as I would but not responding to his not responding to me? I don't know how to not respond to his ignoring me outside of ignoring him, but I feel like that is giving him "attention". He often tells me to not make him dinner during these times, do I follow through with that or do I just continue on doing so, throwing his dinner out when he doesn't eat it? Sorry I feel like my questions could go on and on!
Yes, CatFamiliar has good advice. You cannot allow their paranoia and distorted emotional responses to paralyze you and your kids.
Communicate objectively and focus only on what needs or requires a response and ignore his "editorials."
I think regarding the accusations of infidelity, you should re-assure him calmly when he makes them, but need to try to set some boundaries around them. You also don't want to allow these accusations to affect you personally, or bother your kid(s). I think it's troubling for kids to hear this sort of stuff. Unfortunately, there's no real easy answer here, since their paranoid thoughts and insecurity are very central to this emotional/personality disorder.
I also dealt with these accusations from my ex-wife (undiagnosed, but had most of the BPD traits) ... she would constantly accuse me of having affairs, or call me at work, claim I "
sound cold
" or "
sound evasive
" and demand to know if there was a woman in my office right at that moment. This despite having visited my office, knowing I had glass walls (anyone could see who was in there!), and sat right next to my boss and several female colleagues - all of whom would not be happy if I was behaving inappropriately at work.
When I would get angry at her accusations, she'd back off, but would use weasel words to insinuate I had someone else or wasn't 100% committed to her. e.g. "
Okay, I'm not saying you're cheating, but maybe you like someone
" or if I brought up a topic or asked for something unusual (in her mind), she'd imply she felt she needed to be concerned someone was "influencing me." That was all equally as exhausting.
And all this occurred as she was simultaneously pushing me to make more money and saying I should be a VP at my company already and was underachieving in my career. well VPs were on their phones 24/7 over work issues, and also in the office much longer than I was. I can only imagine how she'd react if I was working til 9 PM some nights, or emailing/texting colleagues over the weekend...
Basically, I fought a continuous battle in this regard, and never really solved it. Occasionally, I could get BPDxw to back off, but her insecurity and paranoia were such that it was just not possible to do much more than draw boundaries over what I would tolerate (sometimes hanging up on her when she'd call too often during the day or refuse to get off the phone), and deal with the inevitable fallout when I got home. It was exhausting.
You might be able to get to a more tolerable point if you reassure him, and get him to respect some boundaries around your work hours, but realize that setting boundaries also provokes them into more extreme behavior for a time (the dreaded "extinction burst" mentioned on this board) as the pwBPD tries to regain their sense of "control" over you and their fear of your independence (implied by you setting and enforcing a personal boundary against them). the communications techniques mentioned on this board help; I had trouble keeping my cool sometimes, especially given the stress I was already under.
«
Last Edit: August 02, 2022, 12:00:09 PM by PeteWitsend
»
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dtkm
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 133
Re: Patterns
«
Reply #5 on:
August 02, 2022, 02:48:18 PM »
Thankfully we have passed the actual bothering me at work stage. He used to FaceTime me and analyze the background that he would see, any voices he would hear, what my tone was like, etc. He would keep me on the phone for ever! And if I didn't answer, I would never have heard the end of that. We agreed a little while ago that neither of us would call each other at work. I will text him randomly, but it depends on his mood as to if he will respond or not. His issues start the second he realizes that I am leaving the house without him. Its the actual leaving the house to go to work, its the leaving the house to take the kids to their sports, its the leaving the house to go to the grocery store. All of them set him off. I used to not go to the store without him, contact him all day when I was at work and go as fast as I could to take my kids to sports. I have tried really hard to just do me lately. The accusations that I am having an affair with someone at work have continued, so have the accusations that I am having an affair with all of my children's sports coaches and that I don't go to the store when I say I am going to the store, but they have come up less often. When they do I have ignored them the best I can. It is more now that he gives me the silent treatment. Which I usually end of following. I don't want to do that! I want to stay neutral all of the time...or as much as one can in this situation! I hate the roller coaster! As far as re-assurance, I can try to re-assure him regarding this, to me the fact that I am still in this relationship should be reassurance that I love him a lot but I know its not to him!
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SinisterComplex
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Relationship status: Broken Up
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Re: Patterns
«
Reply #6 on:
August 04, 2022, 11:49:29 PM »
You have to remind yourself that you are still an individual and you have to live your life for YOU too. In essence, I will echo Cat here, but also provide the perspective that it should be a goal of yours to be more independent in your approach. The relationship can still work, but you do have to work on having strong boundaries and managing your own emotional reactions.
In essence, go about your business and do you and don't wait on him. That is where a lot of couples struggle in general...losing their independence and focusing too much on trying to appease the other or trying to make the other happy. Don't do that because it is a very unhealthy dynamic and it can become toxic. In your situation it may be a bit more intense because of the disordered behavior involved.
So try to follow the ideal of offering to include, but doing what you plan on doing regardless of the outcome of his answer. This will lead you to practicing the healthy art of outcome independence.
Cheers and best wishes!
-SC-
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Anonymous7695
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 4
Re: Patterns
«
Reply #7 on:
August 31, 2022, 10:23:12 AM »
Quote from: SinisterComplex on August 04, 2022, 11:49:29 PM
You have to remind yourself that you are still an individual and you have to live your life for YOU too. In essence, I will echo Cat here, but also provide the perspective that it should be a goal of yours to be more independent in your approach. The relationship can still work, but you do have to work on having strong boundaries and managing your own emotional reactions.
In essence, go about your business and do you and don't wait on him. That is where a lot of couples struggle in general...losing their independence and focusing too much on trying to appease the other or trying to make the other happy. Don't do that because it is a very unhealthy dynamic and it can become toxic. In your situation it may be a bit more intense because of the disordered behavior involved.
So try to follow the ideal of offering to include, but doing what you plan on doing regardless of the outcome of his answer. This will lead you to practicing the healthy art of outcome independence.
Cheers and best wishes!
-SC-
Okay I really love this advice, but I have no idea how to go about this. I do SO MUCH around the house and have created this habit for a long time of basically succumbing to my BPDw's every need. This includes doing a ton of the housework, working multiple jobs, usually going to the store, figuring out dinner, etc. She also has an issue with food where she is extremely picky, so I never know what to make for food as this is one of her big triggers... But we have had big blowups when I don't figure something out for her, so now I always have a fear and try to figure it out so that this doesn't happen. And if I don't do this sometimes she just wont eat and then is mad because she is hungry and its my fault.
Anyways, how do I go about setting boundaries without "taking everything away" from her at once. How do I go about this food situation where she literally will not eat... and when she does think to eat there is nothing in the house so she will order food all the time, which we cannot afford... How do I go about taking my life back and living for myself, while still being a good husband and loving her too?
I really want what you are talking about here, but don't know the steps to get there! Seems like a huge mountain, and I know it is one step at a time, but where should I start?
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thankful person
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Formerly known as broken person…
Re: Patterns
«
Reply #8 on:
August 31, 2022, 05:32:42 PM »
Anon, I just commented on your post… just wanted to say my wife has exactly the same issues with food as well as the over-spending… so yes the money we don’t have goes on takeaways or when she’s feeling inspired she’ll buy a load of food to cook but then doesn’t eat it and it ends up in the bin out of date. (Also I’m vegetarian so I won’t eat her meat, usually I would eat anything going out of date…) My wife has also suffered from bulimia and body issues (had a tummy tuck and liposuction at age 18 using inheritance money…)
So, no useful advice, only… if she chooses not to eat then let her not eat… I know this sounds harsh. One time only, when we’d only been together a few months, my wife passed out from not eating all day. Thankfully her eating disorder is much recovered now though her eating is still disordered… But I’ve learnt not to caretake her and to let her make her own choices and face the consequences. This has caused panic at times but surprisingly it has also helped her to grow up and take some responsibility… eventually she does fix herself something too eat even of it’s just a bowl of cereal… Again, very much recommend the “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”” book. I listened to the audiobook in my car as I’m also the one who works and I found this easy to do without her knowing. I still listen to it regularly.
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