Feeling trapped in my mariage

[Riv3rW0lf]

I'm in need of processing fragments of my relationship. Compared with many here, my story will seem like a soft breeze, but I find myself in need of writing it down, and it to be read.

My mother was BPD, and I've come to believe that my husband, while not meeting the whole spectrum of BPD, does exhibit many of the traits my mother had. And my egocentrist father for that matter. Like he is a perfect mesh of both. There are good things about him, and those things are what I often choose to look at, a resiliency that I acquired from a rough childhood. But then, sometimes, I also find myself feeling trapped within my mariage.

Yesterday we hit a roadblock. And to be fair to him, I did woke up feeling off, and I told him as much. I said I didn't feel right, that it had nothing to do with him. I guess I was partly asking him to give me a break. But then, it's true that I found myself incapable of telling what I needed, and instead got frustrated and covertly guiltripped him. He got angry, rightfully so, but instead of telling me what hurt him, he stonewalled me, which pissed me even more.

Then in the car, as we were driving to his family for dinner, I told him I needed to buy some shoes for our daughter. And instead of answering me, he asked my daughter, who is 4, if her boots were too tights... For some reasons, this got under my skin. When I told him so, he said this was too much, even for me, that I was acting crazy, that he had a right to speak with his daughter. And I got even more mad, it felt like he was accusing me of putting myself between my daughter and him. Which I wasn't, I simply wanted him to acknowledge me, to answer me, to talk with me? Since I had just spoken to him.

This is a pattern. When my husband is pissed at me, he shut me off and suddenly he is all after my daughter. Since reading Silently Seduced, this does put me on edge. Not the him talking with his daughter, more the him shutting me out, ignoring me. It feels like an unhealthy triangulation. I have no interest in being shut down of my relationship and installed to compete with my own daughter. So I "fight" him. I know I need to reconnect emotionnally with him, if only to protect my daughter from the enmeshement. A healthy mariage protects children.

My father did this with me. I see the dynamic and it scares me, it hurts me.

So I told him it had nothing to do with him and her, that he had been shutting me off for a while now, and that I would like to know why. I have no idea how it escalated this quickly, but next thing I knew, he was driving double the speed limits, erratically, not doing his stops, stopping the car, starting it again, talking very loudly, almost crying from anger. And he was blaming me, who I was, that I was disrespecting him, that I wasn't seeing him.

He started asking me to list him what he did wrong, to which I answered: I don't have a list, but I could tell you were angry at me all day, and I would like to solve this, reconnect with you. And then he told me I had no right to backtrack (all the while driving like a maniac)... I honestly got scared, kept repeating him to get his anger under control so we could solve this.

He turned around to go back home, said we wouldn't go to diner. I didn't say anything, and he started crying because his mother had made a diner, had made an effort and now he really had to go. Like he was trapped. And he turned around, again driving like a maniac.

...

I have no idea how I finally got to him. I did my best to listen but in the end, was never able to say my piece. I feel like there was a lot of projection. He was calling me crazy and immature because I had criticized him at lunch. I told him I wasn't perfect, that every relationships had roadblocks, that it wasn't fair to expect me to carry everything for him. That instead of keeping everything in, that he should tell me on the spot when I am doing something hurtful, so we can talk about it before too much resentment builds.

He says this is not how men act. That men don't say things, that they learn early to tolerate their crazy wife behaviors.

The thing is : I really don't think I classify as a hard wife. We have two young children and I care for them 21h/24. Literally. He does some chores in the house, but I do too. We both work from home. I work the 3hr where he is taking care of the children. I must be doing at least 80% of the home chores and I still find time to spend quality time with my children. What he does, he does angry, and letting us all hear how it displeased him to be doing those tasks... Like my mother would do. Last time, he was taking care of our son who is 17 months old, and didn't give him anything to eat for the whole time. Little guy was beside himself when I came down.

He sometimes will admit that he is trying to manage his egoism. He told me himself. But the behavior doesn't change. And I now doubt it ever will...

He doesn't classify for BPD, nor NPD... Unless it is a quiet BPD, and yesterday I witnessed the first real crisis.

I ended up feeling confused as to what was happening. Like there was no real resolution.

This morning, he woke up late while I cared for the children and acted like everything was normal.

I don't want to see him. I don't want to talk with him about geopolitics and whatever suits his fancy. I am unhappy and I feel trapped.

The more time I allow myself, the more angry he seems to get. It is manageable, I am not scared of him. He is still much softer than my mother ever was... But I feel trapped.

With children, I know I have to make things work between us somehow, to protect them from any risk of covert incest.

I think my husband lacks self awareness most of the time. But maybe I am the one overanalysing everything too?

I don't know... Just feel lost and trapped right now. He can be perfect, aware, present... And the next day, he is angry, rageful, full of criticisms...

He prefers coverts dynamics while I need them in the opened, to be able to work on them. He told me this was a fondamental difference between us. What am I supposed to answer that?

I've spent my life tiptoeing around my mother, not being seen by my father, had to parent both of them, was abandoned, abused, unseen... And now he uses that against me somehow when we fight by saying I am the one with the issues... But I'm working on myself, I am aware of my triggers, I manage myself... While he just acts like nothing is going on and everything is fine and dandy while he rages because he simply has to clean the dishes...

...

I was hoping to find some answers writing this. But I still feel deeply abandoned.

What I wonder is : am I seeing things worst than they are? Or is it real? Things are not black and white. There are some good things in my mariage too, and I know that. But I find myself wondering which way the balance is going? Is it more good than bad? Who is he really? How does he truly see me? ...

But I can't have those discussions with him without him acting pissed and becoming angry... Like my mother.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Riv3rW0lf]

Interesting how I came back from my daughter's dancing class. And when I came in, he immediately started telling me, with anger, what was my problem, what he had done again.

I told him I needed a bit of space right now, and didn't feel like talking (it would have been arguing, he seemed ready for fight more than a discussion).

So he let out an angry : THIS IS JUST GREAT!

And he started doing his things.

I was going to take the car to pick up some clothes for the children, only to realize he had actually left with our only car without checking in with me. Funny things is, I saw it because I was looking for him, to check in with him before leaving..

Because you know, needing space does not mean anger, nor that I am not willing to consider his needs, or work with him as team.

For him, it seems to be an open door to just do as he pleases...

I guess... When someone shows you their true face, we should believe them, right?

It's like I finally see the pattern... When I try to limit my codepency tendancies, simply asking for space, that's the kind of treatment he gives me... This is messed up.

[Cat Familiar]

A few thoughts:
* Everybody has a bad day now and then. Asking for grace from your BPD partner went unanswered, and he took your mood personally and escalated the disharmony.

* Once you observe things going badly…STOP. Nothing you can say in the moment is going to be helpful. Better to be silent and strategize what you can do to ride out his bad mood.

* It is completely unacceptable to be in a car with a partner who is raging and driving crazily. Perhaps you might think of ways where you and your children will never be in a car with him when he’s starting to dysregulate.

* Sometimes it is best to ignore signs of anger and let him try and self soothe. I have found that addressing the anger can exacerbate it.

[Riv3rW0lf]

A few thoughts:
* Everybody has a bad day now and then. Asking for grace from your BPD partner went unanswered, and he took your mood personally and escalated the disharmony.

* Once you observe things going badly…STOP. Nothing you can say in the moment is going to be helpful. Better to be silent and strategize what you can do to ride out his bad mood.

* It is completely unacceptable to be in a car with a partner who is raging and driving crazily. Perhaps you might think of ways where you and your children will never be in a car with him when he’s starting to dysregulate.

* Sometimes it is best to ignore signs of anger and let him try and self soothe. I have found that addressing the anger can exacerbate it.

... In all truths, I feel awfully sad right now because I cannot think of one single moment where he was the one breaking the silence or giving me a break... Everytime I have a bad day, everytime I have a show of emotions, he gets defensive. If it is not about him, he calms down and will listen. But if it is, if I am disappointed, if I need some time to myself and him to care for the children, I am met with frustration. And him searching for resolution is actually him acting defensive, and pushing me over the edge... Blaming me, turning things around.

Everyone has bad days, and he does have a real tendancy to escalate the dishamorny. For us to be ok one with another, I have to be in perfect control of my own emotions, and I have to just... Let him be. The most I can.

He says he considers me, and he does, but always on his own time... I find myself looking for crumbs... Or worst, when he wants to talk and connect with me, I have to be available, else he guiltrips me. If the children needs me while he talks, he gets pissed and frustrated with all of us and will exit, like we are a problem.

My children seems fine though. Nowhere as traumatised as I was. His anger is not directed at them. It is just there. Always.

And yes... No kidding for the drive. I am not ever having those kind of discussions with him in a car ever again. I was highly conscious of my children in the backseats, thinking a hundred miles an hour to find ways to calm him only to realize I should just stay silent. Which I did, at some point. And I'd answer only when he'd stop the car.

Reading the board on empathy made me realize he does exhibit signs of the low impairment... He fears being controlled, and during a disagreement, he will never ever acknowledge how he hurt me... The only times we can speak about our relationship, he needs to be stoned or a bit drunk, and I need to remind him constantly that I am a friend, not a foe.

He says he has always been like that. Used to mess with law enforcement as a teenager. I didn't know any of that when we got married... He is not antisocial, but this crisis from yesterday, him doing like nothing happened this morning... Expecting we will never talk about it ever again... And I guess it is better I don't. But then... What does it make of me to just accept this kind of behaviors?

... he is not sorry. I highly doubt it anyway... I am always the one ending up being "sorry" ...

How did I not see that before.

Because he can be there... On his own terms and time though.  

[Cat Familiar]

Knowing this about him, and it’s a hard pill to swallow, what can you do to make things better in your own life and the lives of your children?

We talk about “radical acceptance” here because our BPD partners are who they are, and are unlikely to change. However, we have the option of changing ourselves.

That might mean giving up seeking understanding or accountability from our partners in exchange for a more harmonious relationship, perhaps finding support and empathy from friends, figuring out ways to get our needs met otherwise, or perhaps choosing to leave the relationship if we have exhausted other strategies and things just don’t improve to the point where it’s sustainable.

If you haven’t already, check out the Tools at the top of this page. I was really annoyed at having to learn new strategies to manage my relationship at first, since I didn’t think I was the one causing the problems. But once I started learning new ways of dealing with my husband’s anger and irritability, things greatly improved and those strategies became second nature without me having to consciously think about them.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Yeah .. I don't think he qualifies for BPD though. Although he definitely has traits... I will look up the tools. Seems I might need them not only for my mother.

I think I needed to vent. I thought I had a pretty good handle on things, and the event from yesterday really took me by surprise. I have seen him angry before but never quite like this.

And it was such a minor thing, and his reaction was completely disproportionate... It's the second time I see him like that in seven years.

The first time, I had to get rid of my dog because he was about to beat him up... I found him a new family. He scared me horribly that time too.

Usually I can hold myself in control enough and I leave him be. But I guess... It's hard to swallow that there is more to him than I initially thought? There is a violent rage behind that anger
 He would never let it out on us, but it is enough that it gets scary sometimes.

Learning my mother was BPD was one thing, now finding all those signs, impulsivity and anger in my husband is another.

I can carry a lot on my shoulders. But yeah... Yesterday really messed with my head.

I won't exit the relationship. It's manageable, mostly... And his BPD traits rarely appears on our children. When it does I always step in to remind him they are young and he should calm down. He gets angry at me and always ends up leaving the room. But the children are safe and don't get raged at.