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BPD is a shame-based disorder and people with BPD (pwBPD) are loath to be accountable or repentant for their faults, but are very ready to blame others.
The sad truth is that she’s unlikely to change, unless she wants to and fully commits to therapy, which can take a very long time.
That said, there’s much
you can do to change the dynamics of your relationship and reduce the conflict. At first, it will seem like there’s a lot to learn, and if you are like me, you might resent that, after all you’ve already been doing. But over time, it becomes second nature and takes little effort.
For now, one of the priorities I see is to insulate yourself from her criticism and negativity. It helps no one to accept being a target of her unkindness. Perhaps it might help to realize that by offloading her anger onto you, she is trying to maintain an equilibrium away from her own shame and self loathing.
In any event, you are not required to listen to this hostility. She needs to learn to self soothe, a skill most of us acquired in early childhood. You can say something like this: “I’m upset and not at my best. I need to take some time alone and I’ll be back in a half hour.” Generally it takes at least a half hour for the amygdala to return to stasis. If she is still hostile, repeat the process. You deserve time away from her verbal assaults.
