My girlfriend has BPD

[Freesands]

I clearly need to end things with my girlfriend, but I’m having trouble committing to it. We have been dating for a year and a half, and I have gotten so used to the ups and downs that come with dating her. I know how bad it is for both of us, but everytime I am sure of doing it I end up changing my mind. This last fight we had was very different though, and I’m now extremely sure that I need to break things off. She has committed self harm before, but this is the first time I have felt that it was directly having to do with me. I do love her and I want the best for her which is why I know I need to do this, but it’s just so scary to me. I almost feel like my happiness is tied to my relationship with her, and I can’t imagine not being with her. It know that over time I will be much better off without her, but the time between the breakup and acceptance is what is scaring me. Im completely new to BPD, I just recently discovered what it was and that she had it. If somebody has any advice or anything I’d really appreciate it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Buddy Joe]

Hey, Freesands! 

Welcome to the fam! 

If I may ask, is she aware or has she been diagnosed with BPD? If yes, does she have a therapist? I find solace whenever we have couples therapy because she validates that I am not going insane. But also gives me pointers how to address my pwBPD’s issues. Like with her financial struggles, I should just let her be because that’s her problem. I don’t have to always make her problem mine as well.

[Freesands]

Hi! Yes, she is aware of the BPD. It has not been diagnosed, but she has however been diagnosed with anorexia. She currently had a therapist for that as well as a psychiatrist, and is on antidepressants.

[Tupla Sport]

Step out of Hell, into the purgatory. That's what it will feel like. You cannot stay in Hell, and Earth will look like a distant memory. But the only way out is to reverse the damage and heal on your way.

This comes off as dramatic, and it is. We would not have thousands of topics from people in the same boat if BPD breakups were easy. It is such a specific and yet all-encompassing hurt that it boggles the mind.

If it helps, browze through discussions on here, reddit, quora, etc. Get in touch with a councillor or a person who has experience with BPD. Be wary about opening up to people with no experience about BPD because most people thankfully have no clue and might think you're just failing to regulate after a breakup, even when you feel your soul is being wrenched from your body at the best of times. Trusted friends are another matter, they will accommodate your needs. You are not alone.

Here is my personal list of hot topic items that I researched and that gave me solace:

- BPD
- lovebombing
- future-faking
- idealization
-devaluation
- BPD discard
- Favourite Person
- BPD supply
- triangulation, Karpman Triangle (if involved in a drama triangle, like I was)
- BPD push-pull
- BPD mirroring

Best of luck. You can do this.

[kells76]

Hi freesands, good to hear you reaching out.

Am I tracking with you that one of your concerns is her safety after you break up with her?

Yes, she is aware of the BPD. It has not been diagnosed, but she has however been diagnosed with anorexia. She currently had a therapist for that as well as a psychiatrist

Knowing that she has multiple specialized professionals currently supporting her, how does that impact your thoughts on ending the relationship?

Glad you have this space to think through how to end the relationship with integrity and in the "least worst" way possible. Although it won't be comfortable or easy, it is possible.

Let us know how you're doing;

kells76