Not succeeding at staying neutral

[SilverSwan]

My husband is a person with bpd. I know the books say they can not control their behavior but it doesn't mitigate the damage it does.   I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop and like I'm walking on eggshells.   He has a way to convert anything I say to a story of how I've victimizing him. Its really very exhausting. Im having trouble staying neutral and find myself yelling and arguing and sitting in the bathroom crying.  I feel hopeless and alone. Nobody understands what it does to me. All they see is a wife not being supportive. But how much support is enough. Im told to stay neutral, but its hard to stay neutral when you shoulder so much pain all alone.
How does a person stay neutral when  feeling alone and angry and heartbroken and affraid? Im so ashamed of yelling and crying and being angry about my bpd husband. 
What gives you strength to endure? Can having a pwbpd for a spouse feel happier than enduring?+

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Sorry to hear this, we all have our moments, it is at times like this you can turn to places like these boards as here is about the only people who get this. You will get better as you share, and wont feel alone. It wont be a fix all, I know my fuse often gets short, and i "loose it", against my better judgement. You have to accept you cant be perfect, nor carry everyone's burden. But you will learn to let go of the guilt of feeling like a failure because you cant always let it wash..

There will be times when all you are is enduring, but hopefully there can be times when it is fulfilling.