The reality of the infidelity is starting to hit

[Tupla Sport]

Hello,

so I broke up with my exwBPD two weeks ago, for good. She started seeing my best friend immediately after us going on a break she never intended to utilize, except for leverage.

I do not have hard evidence of her cheating on me besides the emotional cheating that was apparent in the relationship of my ex and former best friend during our r/s. But I have a gut feeling that when we used to have those fights where we spent the night apart despite living under the same roof, she was cheating on me. She had a really calm and serene energy during our chats at those times that was definitely not there during our fights and I for the life of me can't imagine it was due to her "having space for herself". She must have thought I was cheating and she decided to strike back.

I read somewhere a person with BPD would cheat to get the excitement of a new sexual r/s and would find the adoration of their actual partner boring after a while. Like we would adore them out of sympathy or some other seemingly banal reason. I used to adore my ex's body to bits and she would just go "reeeeally?" and go on an awkward tangent about her body image which always ruined the mood, just another convenient venting opportunity for her. The thought of her parading her form to someone new and exciting on the side almost makes me feel physically ill. It's one of my absolute worst fears in life: being categorically denied something that intimate.

I am overwhelmed. I will never know how many times she did cheat on me, I will never get closure, she perhaps doesn't even remember cheating on me even if we discussed it. We are NC though and I intend to keep it that way.

This is harrowing. The rollercoast ride in general was a lot to tackle but the infidelity is doing a number on me.

[Rev]

Hello Tupla,

Wow... "Former best friend" is right. All of that is a lot process, I imagine. So sorry to hear that is how things turned out.

When you say - "It's doing a number" on you - could you say more about that? I hear that you might be ruminating, which can be really annoying.

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

[Tupla Sport]

Hello Tupla,

Wow... "Former best friend" is right. All of that is a lot process, I imagine. So sorry to hear that is how things turned out.

When you say - "It's doing a number" on you - could you say more about that? I hear that you might be ruminating, which can be really annoying.

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

It happened last night. I woke up at 2am from a dream where she confessed to cheating on me for about 50 times. It was awful to wake up to that dream, it felt so real. When you're groggy and barely awake it can feel like it actually happened.

In the morning I had a dream where the friend was dodging my questions but finally blurted out he needed to "step in because you were being abusive towards her". I know that's not true but it hurt nonetheless.

I had been having really unnerving flashes of them having sex earlier but the actual rejection and infidelity took a longer while to start processing in my mind. All the little things lining up, painting a terrifying picture.

As a sidenote, my ex showed me the 1981 psychological horror film Possession, and even during our r/s I thought about how the movie chillingly reminded me about the nature of our r/s. Afterwards, knowing about the infidelity, it got even more poignant. It's still the single most disturbing cinematic experience for me. It is about the ravages of divorce, but I've seen other people mention it as also portraying a r/s with a person with BPD.

[Rev]

Same happened to me - including the threat of alleging abuse. I too had nightmares. Took about six months for them to stop.  Unpleasant as they are, they're the only way for to get closure.

Eventually they'll stop.

What are you doing to heal, if you don't mind me asking?

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

[Tupla Sport]

Same happened to me - including the threat of alleging abuse. I too had nightmares. Took about six months for them to stop.  Unpleasant as they are, they're the only way for to get closure.

Eventually they'll stop.

What are you doing to heal, if you don't mind me asking?

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

I'm focusing on myself and my apartment. Exercising, meditating, meeting new people, upkeeping friendships, applying for a rescue cat! I love cats; had the best cat in the world before my ex and her pooch moved in and almost stressed my cat to death.

[Rev]

Puurrrrrfect !