Sons child

[Candlelady]

Hi new here… my son has separated from his partner for about 2 years now. Sadly his former partner has a serious personality disorder. They have a son together. Who is not yet quite 3. It took my son the best part of a year to get to have any real contact with his son.
I live in Spain in fact my grandson was born here they then moved back to uk . For a few months when my son has his son to stay with him we have been doing video calls my grandson seems to really enjoy them…
After using and trying many cruel ways of getting a negative response from my son his ex partner has now resorted to using me.
Being a child with having a mother with personality disorder I know how much damage can be done.
I HATE children being used in any way especially emotional blackmail which is happening a lot with my grandson. My son has such a huge bond with his son which is so easily seen in the many videos he sends me. Even tho his ex partner does bad mouth him off to his son.
I don’t want to be the cause of more harm to my grandson… it won’t be long before he starts to mention that we chat I know how his mother will react. A huge part of me says stay away that way no harm can be done yet I also believe I have a lot to offer my grandson. I can’t leave Spain to visit them in uk as I am carer to my mum who has Alzheimer’s so it’s not as if the little lad knows me as such…I know my son has such huge battles on his hands for many years as sadly his ex will always hate the thought of him being happy and doing well. Even tho the relationship ended due to her seeing another man. Which ended there is now number 4 around in 2 years. The little boy has already lost relationship with family members as the wrong thing is said or done. In the mother’s eyes.
Even at a young it must be so confusing for him all these people in his life then gone… I don’t want him to feel that about me that’s why maybe it’s for the best at the moment not to try and build a relationship with him…any thoughts on this would be so welcome…

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Welcome Candlelady
Perhaps due to your own experience, I think you are very wise to be considering these this at this point in time. You seem to understand personality disorders very well.

You don't say how 'his ex partner has now resorted to using me'. This might make a difference to how I see the situation.

It sounds as though your gs has a great relationship with your son and the times you are able to communicate must be precious time - so congratulations on looking long term.

A question I have is whether or not your son's access is court ordered or an arrangement between the parents of the child. There is much greater clout if it is court ordered and this can change the options you have in my opinion.

If an arrangement between parents, I agree that it won't be long before your gs mentions chatting with you, and you can predict the reaction to this. If it means that it is likely to diminish in some way your son's contact with his child then personally I would not take that risk.

I would wait I think until things were more settled and gs is older. You will be able to keep up how gs is from your son and you could ask him to talk about you a lot - show pictures, pass on news about you ie build up who you are in gs's mind until the time comes when you feel it could work to have contact.

These are just my thoughts. I am wondering if you have spoken to your son about this too? He might have an idea about what options there might be to avoid any possibility of going backwards in what he has now with his son - which is going to be the most important thing to protect in this situation I feel.