Success with a BPD ex apologising?

[iamupsidedown]

Hi, I can't believe after all this time I am back here again. It's been just over a year since the break-up. About six months since the last contact. I'm coming to realise it's an incredible addiction that I'm dealing with, and I've been reading a lot about this issue which helps, but so far it hasn't led to an end to this attachment for me. I can no longer even imagine being with this person again - after everything I've learned about their current life and extreme impulsive behaviours like with drugs and sex, it's more clear now than ever that they were completely wrong for me and mentally ill, yet the pull remains ever so strong.

I wonder if anyone here has ever had any success with their BPD ex apologising or acknowledging what you went through? And if so, how did that become possible? Did it take months, years, decades before it happened?

It's just so hard for me to move on.

I am doing a lot of work at the moment to unpack my early life experiences and to understand how they are impacting me now. But it just doesn't seem like enough to break these chains.

[Turkish]

My ex did. But it was after the marriage to the young stud she left me for started imploding. So it was more about her than realizing how much she hurt me. The first kind of time was after he stormed out after a big row between them and she called me in tears, "I never should have left you!" Yeah, because her fantasy didn't work out. I won't go into a couple of other kind of apologies, but it's better than most here have gotten.

[schwing]

Hi Iamupsidedown,

…it's more clear now than ever that they were completely wrong for me and mentally ill, yet the pull remains ever so strong.

I wonder if anyone here has ever had any success with their BPD ex apologising or acknowledging what you went through? And if so, how did that become possible? Did it take months, years, decades before it happened?

There is some wisdom to be had in understanding and working through why “the pull remains ever so strong.”

However, you getting past this has nothing to do with whether or not your BPD ex ever acknowledges or apologies for what transpired.  That would be like saying the codependent cannot get past their relationship with the alcoholic unless the alcoholic successfully enters a 12 step program and gets to the “making amends” part of the program.  The codependent has his/her own 12 step program in which they need to participate.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[khibomsis]

Yes, my exwBPD apologized pretty soon after disappearing for a week with a married woman. She was in therapy/DBT for a couple of years and hasn't dysregulated for ages so I think the ability to apologize came along with that. It certainly helped in terms of maintaining a cordial interaction between us. Not sure it helps in the sense that I doubt it will stop her from going off with the next woman. Having learnt to say sorry does not mean necessarily that she thinks what she did was wrong. It means she has acquired the capacity to see that it upsets me and interferes with her efforts to keep me on the shelf.

I think what I am hearing in your question is a desire to make peace somehow with what happened and you feel it would be easier if she apologized? Because then you could make your peace with the breakup?

[SinisterComplex]

Hi, I can't believe after all this time I am back here again. It's been just over a year since the break-up. About six months since the last contact. I'm coming to realise it's an incredible addiction that I'm dealing with, and I've been reading a lot about this issue which helps, but so far it hasn't led to an end to this attachment for me. I can no longer even imagine being with this person again - after everything I've learned about their current life and extreme impulsive behaviours like with drugs and sex, it's more clear now than ever that they were completely wrong for me and mentally ill, yet the pull remains ever so strong.

I wonder if anyone here has ever had any success with their BPD ex apologising or acknowledging what you went through? And if so, how did that become possible? Did it take months, years, decades before it happened?

It's just so hard for me to move on.

I am doing a lot of work at the moment to unpack my early life experiences and to understand how they are impacting me now. But it just doesn't seem like enough to break these chains.

Don't be so hard on yourself for being here. It's all good...we are fam here. Besides, it's better you are to vent and share so you can get rid of the weight and the crap taking up real estate in your mind. Use this resource for what it is meant for..help you have an outlet to learn and grow and ultimately do better! Additionally, while you may have your own journey to go through I would say the best thing you can do for yourself is to focus on outcome independence. The reason I am mentioning that is tied to your question. You are asking about the success of an apology. That is fine, but I would rather focus on helping you personally...in the sense an apology doesn't matter. You will be fine with or without one and you are going to move on with your life. The idea is to let go of particular outcomes. When you emotionally invest in outcomes you set yourself up for failure and heartbreak. The idea is to keep yourself balanced and just let nature take its course and let the universe do its thing while you focus on just doing YOU. Make sense?

I know I make it sound easy, but hell no its not. It takes time and it is a process. However, it is a process that will be more fruitful for you if you put it into practice.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Tupla Sport]

The idea is to let go of particular outcomes. When you emotionally invest in outcomes you set yourself up for failure and heartbreak. The idea is to keep yourself balanced and just let nature take its course and let the universe do its thing while you focus on just doing YOU.

Very well put. In the beginning of the healing process I found it absolutely impossible to wrap my brain around this view because for me the limerent addiction was so strong. I've never been hooked on drugs but from what I understand the addiction feels similar. You know it's not good for you but for the time being, not having it is worse. The intermittent nature of the love hooks you into thinking it's normal to go through low periods to get the sweet high down the road. My brain is still kind of waiting for my ex to establish contact again even though I know it would ruin me. Part of me thinks the NC is just her being up to her old antics and I'm just being here passing the time before she swings back.

iamupsidedown you have been in this game for a lot longer than me but I can relate with what you are going through. I'm yearning for her to even take a sliver of responsibility for anything that happened. But I recoqnize that the need to have that closure is just a ghost step of wanting to reconnect and restart the system with her. It's not immediately obvious but I know that deep down, it's almost a trap. You think you just want closure but I think wanting closure is almost always a way for your heart to go "I mean we split amicably and broke up with no ill will, maybe in another time..." You want to split up in a wholesome manner so the tiniest flicker of a want to reconnect can still stay lit in your mind.

[tina7868]

It's just so hard for me to move on.

Members of the community have shared great insights already. I'd like to add that it sounds like you may be experiencing frustration when comparing how you want to feel (moved on) vs. how you feel presently. All of this is normal. Be honest, indulgent, and kind with yourself. Even if it feels like things are moving slowly, you are putting in work that will bear fruit. Hang in there, and you are always welcome here.

[once removed]

so, why leave your support group at the time you seem to need them the most?

i received lots of apologies from my ex. heartfelt and sincere, and over the course of our nearly three year relationship, they happened less over time. our last major fight, i remember her saying there was no 50/50, no 60/40, no 75/25, it was all on me. our relationship had, for the most part, been a thing where shed freak out, apologize and back down, and in fairness to her, i think it was a lot more complicated than that, but it was something she did less and less.

I wonder if anyone here has ever had any success with their BPD ex apologising or acknowledging what you went through? And if so, how did that become possible? Did it take months, years, decades before it happened?

It's just so hard for me to move on.

i think that the difficult answer is that no one who is in the position of breaking up with someone, is in the position of helping the person they broke up with heal. by the point of the breakup, the two parties are in remarkably different places. one has, by and large, if not entirely, grieved the relationship. the other tends to feel caught off guard, and is wounded by that. they werent ready to give up.

a person with bpd traits is especially ill equipped to help you through this, or to give you an accurate understanding of where theyre coming from. if you push, you may not only not like the answers, but they may be more borne of the moment than anything especially insightful about the breakdown of the relationship.

i wish they were. that would be the case in an ideal world. we would all have the answers for the person we have left, that would help them through. unfortunately, that is rarely, if ever, the case.

its not uncommon to get stuck in your healing. often times, the how "how do i heal" is the answer to the question: "what part of myself did i give away"?