Constantly Accused of Cheating

[Sad3026]

We have been in a relationship for 21 years and married for 12 years. 2 amazing children together.

But my uBPDh constantly accuses me of cheating. Literally, every single day. His mind seems to truly believe it.

I have never been unfaithful in any way. I want to make things work, but I can't handle the accusations and verbal abuse anymore.

Is there any hope in this situation?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hi and welcome How do you respond to his accusations?

Check out the Tools button at the top of the page for some articles. Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) comes to mind.

[Ergonomics]

I went through the same thing with my partner. Now, I am not claiming I am an expert, but I'll just tell you what changed things for me...

See the message behind her words. Be slow to judge her and her character, but discover the multiple layers of contexts behind this seemingly odd behavior.

I found that while my partner accused me of cheating a lot, once we opened up a conversation, it was really about her not feeling loved in the way she expects/in a way that resonates with her...

This combined with her childhood history of being abandoned and deemed as unimportant, recognizing that she wasn't getting the love she needed triggered a lot of things in her.

What's funny is that once we unpacked all of these very complex layers of feelings, and once she felt deeply understood, and once I understood how to show up better, it's like something clicked...

Suddenly, she seemed to bring up her insecurities in less extreme forms.

She seemed to be more receptive to everything that we talked about, and even my attempts to coach her and tell her my side of the story/picture.

And this creation of trust really helped create a much more positive cycle overtime.

But start with seeing the message behind her words. Be slow to judge her and her character, but discover the multiple layers of contexts behind this seemingly odd behavior.

[ClarityNow]

I'm new here and can't say I have advice yet, but I can definitely relate. My husband has accused me of cheating off and on for the past 20 years of our marriage. In the early days, especially when I had babies and young toddlers at home with me 24/7 and the idea of having sex with ANYONE was the last thing on my mind, I assumed he had to be joking. Gradually, I realized he was not, which I found completely bizarre. I have never given him a single reason to think I had any interest or opportunity to cheat. If anything, after how tumultuous our marriage has been, I daydream frequently about being alone and never getting married again. Getting into another relationship is the last thing on my mind! It's really laughable to me, but as a previous response said, I guess we need to look at the emotions behind these bizarre accusations. Good luck to both of us...

[Rev]

Hello Sad -

Welcome. Thanks for that question. It must be frustrating (to say the least) that after 21 years, this is coming up.

I'm curious about something. Is this new behavior, an ongoing pattern that has escalated over time, something that has returned after a while, or something else? In other words, can you describe the pattern?

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev