Working with my ex.. need an advice

[Help_Seeker]

Hello everyone.
First, I must say how amazing you all are for helping so much, I find myself reading a lot everyday in order to overcome my breakup.

This is the second post I am making in this forum, Because I am looking for some advices. I will give some background to my questions but for those who want my full background, this is my previous post:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=354183.new#new

So I met my ex at work, we started having a 3 months of sexual relationship, followed by over 3 months of romantic relationship, until she broke up with me a little over 3 weeks ago, with a lot of tears, because she felt like she cannot be in a relationship right now. It's important to mention no one knew about us at work.

After we broke up, I noticed a lot of flirts from a different guy at work, and honestly she is enjoying it a lot and laughing so loud I can hear it. I yesterday discovered that she was moved to sit in my room at the office, with the same guy too, which is a disaster to me. My question is:

1) I managed to change the shifts in a way I won't be working with them both at the same time (let's face it, if they wanna have sex they will.. I can't stop it), but even working with her in the same room might make me anxious and angry. Do you guys have any creative solution? I don't wanna quit, we pretty much are in NC by her, besides work related stuff, and I try not to have a smalltalk with her or any eye contact..

2) I feel so bad seeing how the other guy gets so much attention I used to get, and now I get almost 0.. I thought about trying to meet other ladies in order to feel desired and wanted instead of depressed and in bed most of the day.. what do you guys think? Is that a good distraction to me? So I won't be bothered that much about not getting hers

Thank you for reading, and hopefully for answers. 

[Rev]

Hi Help,

Welcome, and thank you for that really well laid out testimony.

It sounds like this relationship has triggered something in you that is new. Is that right? What have other break-ups in your life been like? 

As for "what to do", it would be easier to answer that question if you can give some context around the question I've just asked here. What do you think?

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

[Help_Seeker]

Hi Help,

Welcome, and thank you for that really well laid out testimony.

It sounds like this relationship has triggered something in you that is new. Is that right? What have other break-ups in your life been like? 

As for "what to do", it would be easier to answer that question if you can give some context around the question I've just asked here. What do you think?

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

Thank you for your answer!
I did have a breakup from a much longer relationship before, it was hard and I felt anxious but nothing like now

Now I feel for the first time of my life depression, tiredness all the time, I sleep a lot, at work of they both are there I get anxious to the point I'm having troubles breathing (which isn't new to me), sweating a lot, feeling cold and peeing a lot (which are very new to me)

To Sum up, this "short" relationship is much harder to me than previous breakups after much longer relationships.

[Rev]

Thank you for your answer!
I did have a breakup from a much longer relationship before, it was hard and I felt anxious but nothing like now

Now I feel for the first time of my life depression, tiredness all the time, I sleep a lot, at work of they both are there I get anxious to the point I'm having troubles breathing (which isn't new to me), sweating a lot, feeling cold and peeing a lot (which are very new to me)

To Sum up, this "short" relationship is much harder to me than previous breakups after much longer relationships.

Hey there,

So the peeing is very likely a stress response. What I am hearing here is that this breakup is kind've of like the last, but MUCH more intense?

I wonder if there isn't an add-on effect? How much time between the first relationship and this one?   Were there any relationships in between? 

I am asking because maybe the issue isn't so much that your ex-girlfriend has BPD as much as you are experiencing a second break-up that feels like the first, only faster and more intense - plus now your ex is at your workplace and you can't really talk about it openly.

Thoughts?

Hang in there. We'll get to the bottom of this.

Rev

[Help_Seeker]

Hey there,

So the peeing is very likely a stress response. What I am hearing here is that this breakup is kind've of like the last, but MUCH more intense?

I wonder if there isn't an add-on effect? How much time between the first relationship and this one?   Were there any relationships in between?  

I am asking because maybe the issue isn't so much that your ex-girlfriend has BPD as much as you are experiencing a second break-up that feels like the first, only faster and more intense - plus now your ex is at your workplace and you can't really talk about it openly.

Thoughts?

Hang in there. We'll get to the bottom of this.

Rev

Hey rev, first I'd like to thank you for trying to understand more and asking more questions!

This specific breakup is in different conditions than my previous one, but both broke up with me and the one with the bpd ex is definitely much more painful and hard due to the new simpsons I mentioned.

My previous breakup was I think about 2.5 years ago, but I am over it for a very long time now, I did have some girls I dated in the past 2.5 years but I wasn't in love, not until my bpd ex (and ofc my other long relationship).

I think it could be a mixture of:
1) working with my ex
2) breaking up pretty early, which made me experience mostly honeymoon faze.
3) seeing her flirting Infront of my eyes

I experience a lot of jealousy too, in addition to the panic attacks.

[Rev]

Hey rev, first I'd like to thank you for trying to understand more and asking more questions!

This specific breakup is in different conditions than my previous one, but both broke up with me and the one with the bpd ex is definitely much more painful and hard due to the new simpsons I mentioned.

My previous breakup was I think about 2.5 years ago, but I am over it for a very long time now, I did have some girls I dated in the past 2.5 years but I wasn't in love, not until my bpd ex (and ofc my other long relationship).

I think it could be a mixture of:
1) working with my ex
2) breaking up pretty early, which made me experience mostly honeymoon faze.
3) seeing her flirting Infront of my eyes

I experience a lot of jealousy too, in addition to the panic attacks.

Hi Help,

So thanks for all of that.

Here's the piece that really sticks out for me: breaking up pretty early, which made me experience mostly honeymoon faze

There's your hook right there.  The rush of feelings that come on so, so fast get their hooks into us where we are weakest. It's not so much what they do to hook us so much as how fast and instinctive they are. That's why these relationships literally have an addictive quality to them - much like a gambling addiction - that gets into our nervous systems. And that is a pattern that can be hard to break unless you get to the source of the opening that she saw was there to hook into.

My guess is that if you do some therapy to look at your personal attachment styles the hold she has on you will eventually fade. (Attachment is the dynamics of how you form relationships). 

Without that, any "technique" you use will have a shelf life, because you are constantly being exposed to her. Imagine being a gambling addict working in a casino. Imagine what a challenge it would be for that person.

Does this make sense? Let this sink in and then respond. It will open up to conversation to giving you real advice.

Thoughts?

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

[Rev]

Hi Help,

So thanks for all of that.

Here's the piece that really sticks out for me: breaking up pretty early, which made me experience mostly honeymoon faze

There's your hook right there.  The rush of feelings that come on so, so fast get their hooks into us where we are most vulnerable. This can happen for all kinds of reasons. It doesn't mean that you're weak. It means that likely you were not aware. Aware of your vulnerabilities (like a food allergy, for example) and certainly not aware of how cunning someone with BPD can be.

And make no mistake. It's like the condition of BPD comes with a telepathic sixth sense of how to hook a person. So, it's not so much what they do to hook us per se, so much as how fast and instinctive they are about what hooks us. They'll adapt their behavior to the next person when they move on. But their instincts remain sharp as ever and don't change.

That's why these relationships literally have an addictive quality to them - much like a gambling addiction - that gets into our nervous systems. And that is a pattern that can be hard to break unless you get to the source of the opening that she saw was there to hook into.

My guess is that if you do some therapy to look at your personal attachment styles the hold she has on you will eventually fade. (Attachment is the dynamics of how you form relationships). 

Without that, any "technique" you use will have a shelf life, because you are constantly being exposed to her. Imagine being a gambling addict working in a casino. Imagine what a challenge it would be for that person.

Does this make sense? Let this sink in and then respond. It will open up to conversation to giving you real advice.

Thoughts?

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

[once removed]

2) I feel so bad seeing how the other guy gets so much attention I used to get, and now I get almost 0.. I thought about trying to meet other ladies in order to feel desired and wanted instead of depressed and in bed most of the day.. what do you guys think? Is that a good distraction to me? So I won't be bothered that much about not getting hers

unfortunately, i dont have a lot of solutions for how to get over a breakup when you work with the person, or the best way to minimize the pain. as much as possible, it will help to limit your interactions, but it sounds like youve done your best in that regard.

i think the idea of getting attention elsewhere can be very tempting. it can make you feel good about yourself, and it can get your mind off your ex. i dont, however, think that its a great way to heal. after a breakup, we are emotionally wounded, and vulnerable. ive seen a lot of members jump into something new, that crashed and burned, and that only compounded the pain. me, personally, i found that i was really needy when i met new ladies. i think they could sense that, so when i was ultimately rejected, it hurt even more.

these relationships can leave us with a catastrophic ego wound. that wound needs your attention. it needs the opportunity to grieve, and to heal. if you try to skip those steps, and salve the wound with external validation, you might feel better, but youll carry it straight into the next relationship, and maybe the next after that.

as much as possible, surround yourself with loved ones, like friends and family. lean on their support, and take validation in that. see yourself in their eyes. if you have someone you can be vulnerable with, and trust, it wouldnt hurt to straight up ask them to remind you of good qualities in yourself.

but on top of that, its important to rebuild your confidence and self esteem in a natural way. as much as possible, dive back into the things you love doing, the things you enjoy, and make you feel good about yourself. on top of that, try finding new things, especially new skills to learn. doing this will not only distract you, but theyll build new found confidence. when youre seeing somebody else get the attention you had, try to bring your mind back to how much you look forward to those things, and pour yourself into them when you get home.

[Help_Seeker]

Hi Help,

So thanks for all of that.

Here's the piece that really sticks out for me: breaking up pretty early, which made me experience mostly honeymoon faze

There's your hook right there.  The rush of feelings that come on so, so fast get their hooks into us where we are weakest. It's not so much what they do to hook us so much as how fast and instinctive they are. That's why these relationships literally have an addictive quality to them - much like a gambling addiction - that gets into our nervous systems. And that is a pattern that can be hard to break unless you get to the source of the opening that she saw was there to hook into.

My guess is that if you do some therapy to look at your personal attachment styles the hold she has on you will eventually fade. (Attachment is the dynamics of how you form relationships). 

Without that, any "technique" you use will have a shelf life, because you are constantly being exposed to her. Imagine being a gambling addict working in a casino. Imagine what a challenge it would be for that person.

Does this make sense? Let this sink in and then respond. It will open up to conversation to giving you real advice.

Thoughts?

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

Hey Rev,
I was reading what you wrote about 3-4 times over the last two hours or so
I think I know.. it all started because I had a problem with being intimate, not only she was okay with it but she helped me get over it. The second thing is that we always used to talk about what our exes did wrong in order for us to do it right, and she actually did everything right based on what I said.. (I also did everything right based on what she said, idk why she still chose to leave cause for sure I was her most caring and healthy relationship she ever had)

Regarding the gambling analogy, I find it very wise, although it sounds like quitting is the only option and I just can't seem to accept "giving up" and quitting, this is a really good job for me if you exclude her from it.

Let me know what you think,
And thank you again.

[Help_Seeker]

unfortunately, i dont have a lot of solutions for how to get over a breakup when you work with the person, or the best way to minimize the pain. as much as possible, it will help to limit your interactions, but it sounds like youve done your best in that regard.

i think the idea of getting attention elsewhere can be very tempting. it can make you feel good about yourself, and it can get your mind off your ex. i dont, however, think that its a great way to heal. after a breakup, we are emotionally wounded, and vulnerable. ive seen a lot of members jump into something new, that crashed and burned, and that only compounded the pain. me, personally, i found that i was really needy when i met new ladies. i think they could sense that, so when i was ultimately rejected, it hurt even more.

these relationships can leave us with a catastrophic ego wound. that wound needs your attention. it needs the opportunity to grieve, and to heal. if you try to skip those steps, and salve the wound with external validation, you might feel better, but youll carry it straight into the next relationship, and maybe the next after that.

as much as possible, surround yourself with loved ones, like friends and family. lean on their support, and take validation in that. see yourself in their eyes. if you have someone you can be vulnerable with, and trust, it wouldnt hurt to straight up ask them to remind you of good qualities in yourself.

but on top of that, its important to rebuild your confidence and self esteem in a natural way. as much as possible, dive back into the things you love doing, the things you enjoy, and make you feel good about yourself. on top of that, try finding new things, especially new skills to learn. doing this will not only distract you, but theyll build new found confidence. when youre seeing somebody else get the attention you had, try to bring your mind back to how much you look forward to those things, and pour yourself into them when you get home.

Those are some powerful suggestions!
Although I would like to make myself more clear, I was talking more about sexual attention rather then an actual relationship, because I once did try to jump to a new relationship before getting over the previous one and it was not good indeed...

I thought about trying to get myself into working out a bit more, both for thr physical health but also to make myself more hungry and eat more, kind of a way to fight the lack of appetite cause of the depression.

I still can't seem to find enough powers to do my hobbies, I find myself getting tired and bored about 15 seconds after starting, do you know a way to perhaps make myself more passionate for hobbies again?

And yes, you are right.. I am wounded right now and at a very low point of my life, I try my best finding someone around me to talk to, luckily my family and friends are understanding and listening to me, so I do most of the times find people to talk to. It doesn't make it pass, but it does make it a bit better.. thank you for showing me I should mainly focus on my damaged self

Looking forward for your reply   

[Rev]

Regarding the gambling analogy, I find it very wise, although it sounds like quitting is the only option and I just can't seem to accept "giving up" and quitting, this is a really good job for me if you exclude her from it.

Let me know what you think,
And thank you again.

Hey Help,

Wonderful conversation.  So just look at what I bolded in the excerpt above. Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water. Quit her, not the job. Just like a casino worker might need the job, but not the gambling.  The question becomes, with that image in mind, how does one resist the "cravings"?

You have a great running start with what Once Removed - very, very wise person - has given you. In fact, he's given you what I would have given you to start. Now you are focused on a reason to work on yourself, rather than "get over her".   Changing habits from a positive point of view (ie building a positive in yourself rather than fixing damage) is generally a more lasting thing.   

So - yes - start with what Once Removed has suggested. Make it a game even.  (Just remember that a game is not a competition) But make it a game of self-discovery and self-improvement.  The added benefit is that if your ex has BPD, the more you focus on yourself and the less you focus on her not paying attention to you (which is what she wants) the stronger you become the more she will need to make a decision - face her choices or simply ignore them and move on. I'm betting she chooses the 2nd.

Make sense?

Keep reaching out. Hang in there.  Someone told me really early on that "rev, it does get better, even if it doesn't feel like it right now."

Rev

[Rev]

Those are some powerful suggestions!
Although I would like to make myself more clear, I was talking more about sexual attention rather then an actual relationship, because I once did try to jump to a new relationship before getting over the previous one and it was not good indeed...

I thought about trying to get myself into working out a bit more, both for thr physical health but also to make myself more hungry and eat more, kind of a way to fight the lack of appetite cause of the depression.

I still can't seem to find enough powers to do my hobbies, I find myself getting tired and bored about 15 seconds after starting, do you know a way to perhaps make myself more passionate for hobbies again?

And yes, you are right.. I am wounded right now and at a very low point of my life, I try my best finding someone around me to talk to, luckily my family and friends are understanding and listening to me, so I do most of the times find people to talk to. It doesn't make it pass, but it does make it a bit better.. thank you for showing me I should mainly focus on my damaged self

Looking forward for your reply    

Following my last post - these two responses right here are examples of changing habits from a positive point of view.  Working out for positive benefits for you.

You also mention depression. At a point in my life, I was on anti-depressants coupled with a six-month health plan that took time to kick in - better diet, regular exercise, reduced alcohol consumption.  My doctor helped me coordinate that. Do you have access to a doctor?  Sometime "a lack of motivation" needs a kickstart to get over. It's hard to be "motivated to become motivated if you are not motivated" if you get my drift here. A doctor can help kick start the process.

Rev

[Help_Seeker]

Hey Help,

Wonderful conversation.  So just look at what I bolded in the excerpt above. Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water. Quit her, not the job. Just like a casino worker might need the job, but not the gambling.  The question becomes, with that image in mind, how does one resist the "cravings"?

You have a great running start with what Once Removed - very, very wise person - has given you. In fact, he's given you what I would have given you to start. Now you are focused on a reason to work on yourself, rather than "get over her".   Changing habits from a positive point of view (ie building a positive in yourself rather than fixing damage) is generally a more lasting thing.   

So - yes - start with what Once Removed has suggested. Make it a game even.  (Just remember that a game is not a competition) But make it a game of self-discovery and self-improvement.  The added benefit is that if your ex has BPD, the more you focus on yourself and the less you focus on her not paying attention to you (which is what she wants) the stronger you become the more she will need to make a decision - face her choices or simply ignore them and move on. I'm betting she chooses the 2nd.

Make sense?

Keep reaching out. Hang in there.  Someone told me really early on that "rev, it does get better, even if it doesn't feel like it right now."

Rev

Hey Rev,

I definitely agree that trying to work on myself might make me feel better, especially because the past 4 weeks I did nothing but work - sleep routine. The thing that scares me the most, and causes the bad panic attacks, is seeing them both, it drags me back and is destroying every progress I made, 3 times so far.

Regarding the bold area, I didn't quite understand. Isn't facing her decision and moving on the same for her? Since she broke up with me, she is facing her decision rn?
Would love if you could explain it to me

Thank you!

[Help_Seeker]

Following my last post - these two responses right here are examples of changing habits from a positive point of view.  Working out for positive benefits for you.

You also mention depression. At a point in my life, I was on anti-depressants coupled with a six-month health plan that took time to kick in - better diet, regular exercise, reduced alcohol consumption.  My doctor helped me coordinate that. Do you have access to a doctor?  Sometime "a lack of motivation" needs a kickstart to get over. It's hard to be "motivated to become motivated if you are not motivated" if you get my drift here. A doctor can help kick start the process.

Rev

I am afraid medical systems works differently here, I can schedule a doctor's appointment to any type but I don't have a personal one. I am going to therapy though.

Which type of doctor would you suggest?

[SinisterComplex]

Hey Rev,

Isn't facing her decision and moving on the same for her? Since she broke up with me, she is facing her decision rn?

So I am going to quickly jump in here and respond to this one little snippet.

That is something you shouldn't be concerning yourself with. Its wasted real estate in your mind. Your goal is to focus on YOU and YOU alone. She doesn't matter, how she feels doesn't matter, what she does doesn't matter. YOU matter. You have to program yourself this way so you can move on and do better.

Only focus on how you feel and how you respond. You can and will get through this. Focus on making yourself unflappable...meaning you do not let her presence affect you. Be better than that. Yes I understand how tough this is, but hey are you telling me you are going to let someone else dictate your life for you? You seem to like your job so then the easy answer is to focus on taking her power over you away by focusing on YOU and putting yourself first.

Keep your head up and keep yourself engaged here. You will get stronger and you will get better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Rev]

I am afraid medical systems works differently here, I can schedule a doctor's appointment to any type but I don't have a personal one. I am going to therapy though.

Which type of doctor would you suggest?

Discuss going to a family doctor with your therapist. From there you can look if there are medical considerations to factor in regarding the depression you name here.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Rev]

Hey Rev,

I definitely agree that trying to work on myself might make me feel better, especially because the past 4 weeks I did nothing but work - sleep routine. The thing that scares me the most, and causes the bad panic attacks, is seeing them both, it drags me back and is destroying every progress I made, 3 times so far.

Regarding the bold area, I didn't quite understand. Isn't facing her decision and moving on the same for her? Since she broke up with me, she is facing her decision rn?
Would love if you could explain it to me

Thank you!

And on this one - SC said it well. The point is - just focus on you. She doesn't matter - even if right now it doesn't feel like it.

Hang in there. Keep reaching out.

You Got This!

Rev5

[Help_Seeker]

So I am going to quickly jump in here and respond to this one little snippet.

That is something you shouldn't be concerning yourself with. Its wasted real estate in your mind. Your goal is to focus on YOU and YOU alone. She doesn't matter, how she feels doesn't matter, what she does doesn't matter. YOU matter. You have to program yourself this way so you can move on and do better.

Only focus on how you feel and how you respond. You can and will get through this. Focus on making yourself unflappable...meaning you do not let her presence affect you. Be better than that. Yes I understand how tough this is, but hey are you telling me you are going to let someone else dictate your life for you? You seem to like your job so then the easy answer is to focus on taking her power over you away by focusing on YOU and putting yourself first.

Keep your head up and keep yourself engaged here. You will get stronger and you will get better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

You do have a point.. I should not care about her anymore, and I have to find a way to teach me heart the same idea

Would you say I should be as cold as possible at work? Or being nice? Cause last time I was nice to her she was still doing the push pull thing even though we weren't together at this point

[Help_Seeker]

Discuss going to a family doctor with your therapist. From there you can look if there are medical considerations to factor in regarding the depression you name here.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

I will definitely try that and see where it goes
Thank you so much Rev, I really appreciate you and SC, I will keep you all updated once I have more information

[Rev]

You do have a point.. I should not care about her anymore, and I have to find a way to teach me heart the same idea

Would you say I should be as cold as possible at work? Or being nice? Cause last time I was nice to her she was still doing the push pull thing even though we weren't together at this point

Be neutral. Use a few words as possible. As little expression in your voice as possible. No texts or social media. You don't need to be rude. You don't need to be nice. You need to be neutral.

Here is a link https://mywellbeing.com/for-therapists/grey-rock-technique

Hope this helps

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

Remove emotion from the equation. Your goal to be neutral is to be firm and indifferent. No reason to be mean or rude. No reason to be nice either. Just go about your business and pay her no mind. Treat her like she is just another person in the grocery store...make sense?

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[once removed]

I should not care about her anymore, and I have to find a way to teach me heart the same idea

i might put this a little bit differently.

you do care about her. it wouldnt make a lot of sense if you didnt, right?

so, im not sure that telling yourself not to care is likely to be successful. it wasnt for me; i tried.

to detach is to grieve; ideally we do so fully and healthfully. we grieve a lot of complicated things. sometimes, we feel as though it would be wrong, or strange, to grieve someone who has treated us badly. we might tell ourselves we should feel angry, or maybe shouldnt feel anything at all.

you wouldnt do this if she had died. why do it now? all that will happen is youll feel bad about yourself for still caring.

you should grieve her. resolve to, as youre able, emotionally let her go, and go through all the grief that that entails.

as for how you should treat her when you see her, think of your other exes, the ones youve moved on from. if, suddenly, you had to work with one of them, how would you treat them?

[Help_Seeker]

Be neutral. Use a few words as possible. As little expression in your voice as possible. No texts or social media. You don't need to be rude. You don't need to be nice. You need to be neutral.

Here is a link https://mywellbeing.com/for-therapists/grey-rock-technique

Hope this helps

Rev

Remove emotion from the equation. Your goal to be neutral is to be firm and indifferent. No reason to be mean or rude. No reason to be nice either. Just go about your business and pay her no mind. Treat her like she is just another person in the grocery store...make sense?

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

i might put this a little bit differently.

you do care about her. it wouldnt make a lot of sense if you didnt, right?

so, im not sure that telling yourself not to care is likely to be successful. it wasnt for me; i tried.

to detach is to grieve; ideally we do so fully and healthfully. we grieve a lot of complicated things. sometimes, we feel as though it would be wrong, or strange, to grieve someone who has treated us badly. we might tell ourselves we should feel angry, or maybe shouldnt feel anything at all.

you wouldnt do this if she had died. why do it now? all that will happen is youll feel bad about yourself for still caring.

you should grieve her. resolve to, as youre able, emotionally let her go, and go through all the grief that that entails.

as for how you should treat her when you see her, think of your other exes, the ones youve moved on from. if, suddenly, you had to work with one of them, how would you treat them?

First, thank you all for your answers.
My intention was never to be rude, because I don't think it would be beneficial at all.
I should mention that my "normal" behavior, even to other coworkers, is being very nice, creating smalltalks and such.
My debate with myself was, either being as emotionally detached as possible, very similar to what Rev mentioned, grey rock technique (which I did last time, it was hard on the inside though)
Or, being my normal, which is quite nice, and several times ago I have tried that (it caused her being once nice and once really cold, much like a bpd does in a relationship)

I think I might go again with the emotionally detached and grey rock technique, partly because I get less hurt this way cause she can't be cold to me, and partly because I feel a bit more attention from her this way

[once removed]

is the goal to get her attention, or detach?

no right or wrong answer, but if the goal is to get her attention, you probably want a different method, and it may be a losing proposition.

to be passive aggressive or manipulate a response from her is not emotionally detached; it is very much emotionally attached.

presumably (correct me if im wrong) you are emotionally detached from your previous exes. so imagine if they were your coworker starting tomorrow.

picture the strong, upbeat, confident Help_Seeker. make it your goal to be that guy.

[Help_Seeker]

is the goal to get her attention, or detach?

no right or wrong answer, but if the goal is to get her attention, you probably want a different method, and it may be a losing proposition.

to be passive aggressive or manipulate a response from her is not emotionally detached; it is very much emotionally attached.

presumably (correct me if im wrong) you are emotionally detached from your previous exes. so imagine if they were your coworker starting tomorrow.

picture the strong, upbeat, confident Help_Seeker. make it your goal to be that guy.

I am trying my best..
She was nice to me today and I couldn't stop myself from being nice back...

My brain wants to detached, but my heart is very much attached and refuses to let go

[once removed]

I couldn't stop myself from being nice back...

would the strong, upbeat, confident Help_Seeker be nice?

then be nice. theres nothing wrong with being nice. you work together. best to get along, if you can.

it seems to me that the issue isnt how to act around her, the issue is that youre grieving her, have to be around her, and have to witness her flirting with others.

theres not a lot you can do about that in particular, other than try to avoid being around it as much as you can, and if that means holding it in and crying when you get home, or if it means screaming into a pillow and punching it, or if it means going on a long run, or having a friend over - whatever - something to look forward to when youre off, something to get it all out...eventually, either the flirting will probably stop, or it will start to lose its sting.

[Help_Seeker]

would the strong, upbeat, confident Help_Seeker be nice?

then be nice. theres nothing wrong with being nice. you work together. best to get along, if you can.

it seems to me that the issue isnt how to act around her, the issue is that youre grieving her, have to be around her, and have to witness her flirting with others.

theres not a lot you can do about that in particular, other than try to avoid being around it as much as you can, and if that means holding it in and crying when you get home, or if it means screaming into a pillow and punching it, or if it means going on a long run, or having a friend over - whatever - something to look forward to when youre off, something to get it all out...eventually, either the flirting will probably stop, or it will start to lose its sting.

Sorry it took me some time, it's been difficult in the past few days.
Yes you are right, I am grieving her, she's all I think about and everytime I see her I get a panic attack.
I'm working on seeing her less and less, although she still holds onto my belongings and is avoiding giving it back to me with excuses, which causes interaction around it.

I'm actually doing what you have told me, I'm trying to hold it everyday so I could cry at night.
Thinking about how its painful just from a few months of emotions, I can't even imagine how I would feel after a lifetime like we planned...

[once removed]

I'm working on seeing her less and less, although she still holds onto my belongings and is avoiding giving it back to me with excuses, which causes interaction around it.

i hate to tell you this, but you may want to emotionally prepare to let go of these belongings.

the exchange of belongings after a breakup is usually hard. it makes everything "final". its something most people would either rather get over with quickly, or put off entirely. with someone with bpd traits, this can be even more challenging. i lost some things that were very important to me, namely some music i wrote. still bugs me when i think about it.

if you push harder, she may blow up on you at work, and then youve got a situation you dont want to be in.

[Help_Seeker]

i hate to tell you this, but you may want to emotionally prepare to let go of these belongings.

the exchange of belongings after a breakup is usually hard. it makes everything "final". its something most people would either rather get over with quickly, or put off entirely. with someone with bpd traits, this can be even more challenging. i lost some things that were very important to me, namely some music i wrote. still bugs me when i think about it.

if you push harder, she may blow up on you at work, and then youve got a situation you dont want to be in.

I was told I might need to give up on that too, it just bothers me not because of the stuff, cause it's things I mainly bought especially to have at hers, but for what it represents..
I didn't choose to breakup and I don't feel like I need to get punished, I just want to cut as many ropes as possible.
Leaving my emotions aside, you might be right for leaving it alone and in that way I can bring the power back to my hands
Although she wouldn't know I gave up on the things

[Rev]

Hi again

Going to second what Once Removed said about belongings. I lived it in my own break-up. Some things I needed to let go of had sentimental value. Fighting to hold on to them wouldn't have been worth it.

In the ling run I made the right decision.

Hang in there.

Rev