Really do not understand what goes through a BPD mind

[Riv3rW0lf]

To this day, my mom still harps about how she feels bad that she wasn't invited by my in-laws. My in-laws are from a different culture and they don't naturally do this, so my mom's expectations are unreasonable. Besides, it's not like my in laws prepared a feast, so there was nothing that could have been shared anyway.

Is this another manifestation of her BPD? To me, why would you expect someone to do something that isn't a part of their culture? It never would have occurred to them in the first place? It's like expecting a pig to be able to fly!

It might help to look at your mother with the lense of how you'd look at a young child.

Until you actually understand who you are and your emotional world, it's hard to project this world unto other and understand that their reality is different from yours.

A child cannot know what they cannot know, yet a healthy adult can, from various information, imagine themselves as someone else and walk in their shoes a little bit to understand better.

With BPD, they never reached that stage when the self-centeredness opens up to the rest of the world. With the absence of a clear self, it is very hard for them to imagine that others live differently or act differently without it being indicative of a desire to hurt them... You need to know your own limit to understand someone else might have different limits. Plus, to a person with BPD with such thin skin, everyone is out to get them and to hurt them.

It's a developmental arrest. They are simply incapable of imagining what life is for anyone else.

For them, everything goes without saying. Their internal rules apply to the rest of the world. Hence the expectations that we should know better, or know what they want or need without them needing to tell us, because for them : our inner world is the same as theirs. There is no limit between them and us, if that makes sense. We are all just an extension of them to a certain degree.

[Couscous]

It's like expecting a pig to be able to fly!

I know that I have been guilty of this too: expecting my mother to act like a “normal person”, which, technically speaking, is an unrealistic expectation on my part.

It might help to think of your mother as belonging to a different culture. She is from a place called Borderland, and in Borderland her behavior is completely normal. Now, this does not mean that you should just let her cross your boundaries or cater to her every whim. What it does mean is that when she does her BPD thing, you can accept that that’s just how people from her culture behave.

As far as your desire to understand BPD, this very interesting article highlights the fact that nobody really understands the disorder:

https://www.dana.org/article/the-frustrating-no-mans-land-of-borderline-personality-disorder/

[PearlsBefore]

It's like expecting a pig to be able to fly!

"Don't wed unfit girls / lest to swine you throw pearls / because love and honour are still due."

Sorry, you bring pigs into this and I have to make an appearance.

[zanyapple]

I know that I have been guilty of this too: expecting my mother to act like a “normal person”, which, technically speaking, is an unrealistic expectation on my part.

You're right. What I'm doing is actually no different than what she's doing. That's a great perspective.

[Methuen]

Couscous, what an excellent article.  

zanyapple your mom sounds like she fits the pattern all right.  You pay for a trip, all expenses paid to another country in high season.  Your mom was happy with that.  You are all white.  Then she has a "slight" disappointment because you change the hotel from one week to the duration of the trip.  Instead of adjusting to the change, she flips out and assumes she's not staying at your house because she's unwanted. Now you are all black.  It's actually a very predictable outcome for someone with BPD.  Couscous's article speaks to the "why" of her response.

These reactions from them are exactly why we feel "nothing we do is ever good enough".  I mean what person wouldn't be happy with an all expenses paid trip to visit their daughter over Christmas?  Answer - a BPD person.  


She isn't going to change.  

If you haven't already found it, here's a great link on radical acceptance:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

[zanyapple]

You’re right. I was also considering to just cancel her flight and just have my dad fly here. After all, when I last spoke to her, she begrudgingly suggested that. But even though my dad will have a great time here, when he flies back there, I know she will eat him alive and life will be like hell for him for a while. I mean, worse than it already is now.

[zanyapple]

Also, I haven’t actually cancelled their flights yet. It will be in December. Do you think I should just cancel it now?

I’ll incur a $200 fee for each, but it’ll be much more as the flight date is closer. I feel bad for my dad and I know he was really looking forward to it. And my daughter was super excited about it too.

I’ve been having a really tough time this week. I just fired someone earlier this week due to poor performance and I feel bad about it. It had to be done, but I’m also just human. Furthermore, this is my first real managerial role that I was super excited about, but it’s such a bummer that I hired the wrong person. And then this. Since a couple days ago, I feel my chest tightening random times of the day. Sorry for venting.

[Turkish]

I missed the updates to the humour thread, nice...

Click on the quote link to view the entire thread, but our past BPD Educator hosts a discussion:

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm in recovery and approved to post at bpdfamily.com

The behavior of someone with BPD can be so random, nonsensical, and bizarre that normal folks just can't understand the reasoning behind the actions. And that's because oftentimes, the BP is not reacting to the situation at hand - to what's happening then and there and now - but to either something that had happened in the past, or to a kind of ready-reference list of beliefs about the world, which was usually learned in childhood.

There's a list of

10 forms of twisted thinking (cognitive distortions) common to those with BPD How to "untwist" the thinking.

There is also a list of 20 common negative assumptions in BPD thinking. I'd like to share both with you, and also information on a particular type of therapy that deals primarily with changing the underlying dysfunctional belief system in people with BPD, which is called schema therapy (I'm not endorsing this therapy. It just has a particular emphasis on types of distorted thinking).

20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking:     1. I will always be alone   2. There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on.   3. If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me.   4. I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on.   5. I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me.   6. I have no control of myself.   7. I can't discipline myself.   8. I don't really know what I want.   9. I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong. 10. I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it. 11. If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted. 12. I will never get what I want. 13. If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed. 14. My feelings and opinions are unfounded. 15. If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself. 16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person. 17. Other people are evil and abuse you. 18. I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself. 19. If other people really get to know me they will find me rejectable. 20. Other people are not willing or helpful.

Source: Assumptions in borderline personality disorder: specificity, stability and relationship with etiological factors

[Couscous]

Also, I haven’t actually cancelled their flights yet. It will be in December. Do you think I should just cancel it now?

What are your reasons for cancelling? Is your mother now refusing to stay in the hotel?

[Methuen]

Also, how much time is left for the $200 cancellation fee before it increases?

I wouldn't do anything right now if you can avoid it- that would seem reactive.  Reactivity may escalate the situation.

Instead, take some time to let your mother's emotions cool, and possibly yours too. 

Best case scenario - she has some time to self soothe and figure out that staying in a hotel and having Christmas with you in your country is still a pretty good deal.  But she may need some time to cool her emotions and figure this out.  Worst case scenario - she doesn't figure it out.  Do you think it makes sense to give her the chance to calm down and figure this out?

Also, is there any chance that your dad can provide some balance and stability to her emotion if he has a bit of time? Or that with some cooling down time "she comes around"? 

[zanyapple]

What are your reasons for cancelling? Is your mother now refusing to stay in the hotel?

Also, how much time is left for the $200 cancellation fee before it increases?

I wouldn't do anything right now if you can avoid it- that would seem reactive.  Reactivity may escalate the situation.

Instead, take some time to let your mother's emotions cool, and possibly yours too.

Best case scenario - she has some time to self soothe and figure out that staying in a hotel and having Christmas with you in your country is still a pretty good deal.  But she may need some time to cool her emotions and figure this out.  Worst case scenario - she doesn't figure it out.

$200/per person (60-15 days)
$250/per person (14-4 days)
$300/per person (within 3 days)

No, she hasn't refused staying at the hotel.

The reason why I feel like I should cancel is because it just doesn't feel like it's worth it, regardless if she's aware of what she says/does. It feels like taking a screaming toddler to Disneyland. Yes, they are merely reacting to the present discomfort they may be feeling, but that doesn't make it worth it; it's just no fun.

I question why I'm even trying to make things work. She's mostly had negative contributions to my life. The only reason why I think I want to do this is for my dad and they're also both in their 70s, so maybe, just maybe, we'll at least have some positive memories in the final phase of their lives.

But I have a lot of stress right now, personally, outside of this, so it just doesn't make it feel like it's worth the hassle.

I bombarded her with (not very nice) text messages the past 4 days. The last response she had was 2 days ago. Her typical, "Don't stress yourself out because it can cause wrinkles." That's always what she says if she feels like she wants to "waive her white flag" after putting me through a lot of emotional and mental stress, and getting her desired reaction from me.

I just feel very angry right now. I want to keep texting her. I feel like I could go on for a much longer time doing this. Not sure if she's turned her phone off at this point, but I know she will turn it on at some point, so she will get them, it's just a matter of time.

She just knows that I had problems at my job earlier this week, yet she still squeezed in her drama. When she sent me those series of text messages and I got mad at her, she even "took a step back" by saying, "I was just eager to hear back how your conversation with your direct report went", which is a blatant lie because she never mentioned that to begin with. All she ever mentioned was her imaginary concern of how "I'm having a fight with my husband because of their stay."

Do you think it makes sense to give her the chance to calm down and figure this out?

I'm not really sure how to answer this question at this point, so I may need help. All I feel is anger right now.

Also, is there any chance that your dad can provide some balance and stability to her emotion if he has a bit of time? Or that with some cooling down time "she comes around"?

No, she loathes my dad and blames him for all the bad decisions and misfortunes she's had in her life. They'll likely force themselves to be compatible if they were here though.

I think I just need help coming up with a decision. Maybe I just need more time. Or maybe I already know the answer and I just need help uncovering it.

[zachira]

If you were to cancel the Christmas visit of your parents, what would you tell them?

[zanyapple]

If you were to cancel the Christmas visit of your parents, what would you tell them?

I would tell them their visit has been cancelled because mother is being difficult, as always.

[zanyapple]

Couscous, what an excellent article.  

zanyapple your mom sounds like she fits the pattern all right.  You pay for a trip, all expenses paid to another country in high season.  Your mom was happy with that.  You are all white.  Then she has a "slight" disappointment because you change the hotel from one week to the duration of the trip.  Instead of adjusting to the change, she flips out and assumes she's not staying at your house because she's unwanted. Now you are all black.  It's actually a very predictable outcome for someone with BPD.  Couscous's article speaks to the "why" of her response.

These reactions from them are exactly why we feel "nothing we do is ever good enough".  I mean what person wouldn't be happy with an all expenses paid trip to visit their daughter over Christmas?  Answer - a BPD person.  

She isn't going to change.  

If you haven't already found it, here's a great link on radical acceptance:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

I think I also have a really hard time understanding her. I get it, but at the same time, I don't. Because there are some times when she does seem to understand, but it's unpredictable, so she isn't entirely crazy. She does have the ability to open her mind, just very rarely. Especially if it's late at night or at dawn, this is when is the most dismissive and combative.

[yellowbutterfly]

Chiming in late here and I didn't read all the thread but @Zainyapple have you read any of the books on the suggested reading?

I am reading a few including Stop Walking on Eggshells and I feel that I understand what is happening in my uBPDh's head more now. It was enlightening for me as a non.

Maybe check it out?

[zanyapple]

Chiming in late here and I didn't read all the thread but @Zainyapple have you read any of the books on the suggested reading?

I am reading a few including Stop Walking on Eggshells and I feel that I understand what is happening in my uBPDh's head more now. It was enlightening for me as a non.

Maybe check it out?

Thank you for this recommendation. I came across this before, but haven't gotten a copy. I just purchased one and have started to read through it. Thank you!