Advice on handling a long break from adult parent

[Sweetk]

Hello.This is my first post. I am an adult (almost 50) with a father who we (sister, mom and myself) feel has BPD. Therapists who have talked with both my sister and I have suggested that it sounds like he has BPD, but he hasn’t gone for an assessment and refuses to do so because he doesn’t feel he has a problem.

My life has been one of « walking on eggshells ». This past summer in August, there was a usual situation of him not listening and respecting boundaries and my family ended up leaving a cottage weekend. We haven’t spoken since. I’m at a crossroads as to what to do.

I love my dad and know that he can’t help his behaviours (assuming he does have BPD). My mom has stayed with him for 50 years and has lived a life with long periods of him barely speaking to her for no reason at all, then a brief time around the holidays or whenever, where he engages again in a somewhat friendly manner as if nothing has happened. We have read books on the topic of BPD and try to limit our contact and keep things running smoothly by continuing to go along with his ideas.

He adores his teenage granddaughter (our daughter) but I’m not sure how to see him again. I feel caught in the middle. It is so much less stressful to not have to interact with him, but does that mean I will become estranged from now on? It makes me sad to think I won’t see him much or at all, but the more time passes, the harder it becomes to make a connection with him again. I am afraid of how he will act if I reach out. He holds grudges for a long time. One time, about 10 years ago, he ignored us, even at occasional family meals, for almost a year after my husband stopped working with his company.

In the short term, our daughter has many special concerts etc, coming up and my dad has always gone to these events. He is usually happy at these. Since the event in the summer, however, my mom has said she doesn’t want to go with him in case he gets « sulky » and pulls the long face again. It ruins everyone’s experience.

So, I have 2 issues. The short term…deciding whether or not to invite him to these events and the long term…becoming estranged from him or trying to reconnect somehow. Please advise on how to proceed.

[pursuingJoy]

sweetk, welcome.  Glad you found us!

In my experience, it's all messy. When boundaries are set after having been fuzzy or nonexistent, it throws everyone off. There's blaming and sadness and anger and frustration. The good news is that healing happens, people return to equilibrium (some take longer than others), and things can continue in a different way.

I'm sorry to hear your dad holds grudges for a long time. I'm sure that's hurtful and unpleasant for everyone. That dysregulation is his responsibility, not yours to manage. We talk about boundaries as something that keeps you in your yard, handling the parts of life that are your responsibility. 

Are you able to (or have you already) clarify boundaries around him attending future events? "Dad, we love that you want to support granddaughter. If you ______ , we will not be able to include you in these invitations." And give him a chance to attend one more? Of course, this means enforcing your boundary if he dysregulates.

I went LC with my bpd MIL and found that the space and time were healing. I needed the peace long enough to think clearly again, so that when I did interact with her, I knew how to handle it. Space can be a wonderful thing.

What part of this are you responsible for?

[Couscous]

If he is usually happy at these events then it could make sense to extend an olive branch by inviting him with the understanding that since the last incident was so recent, he may well decline your invitation. He may very well need at least a year before he feels like he has punished you adequately before he will resume contact. Ideally you would not give him the silent treatment in response to his silent treatment, but this can be challenging.

Really, the most important thing you can do is to not personalize his behavior, and then to just ignore it. If it feels too hurtful right now to be around him, then not attending family gatherings while he’s in this mode is a reasonable boundary. The main thing is that you do what you need to do to take care of you during these times. Best wishes to you.