As some of you might know from some of my last postings, I have two exes who got diagnosed with BPD.
When it came to an end, I never actively sought contact with their ex-partners.
In the first case, it was the woman with whom he was trying to replace me who reached out to me after he had become abusive towards her. After the breakup he tried a few times to set us against each other and then again to talk her into a threesome with me - all this of course without me knowing as he and I didn't have contact at that time (crazy, I know!).
Exchanging our experiences and finally experiencing validation was incredibly healing for both of us after years of doubting our own perception. For years after the breakup, I racked my brains about whether the things he told were actually true.
We've been close friends for 3 years now.
In the meantime, old mutual friends have also contacted me and my friend so that a small group of devalued objects has come together.
Well... Second (and more recent) case: My now ex with BPD.Let's call my ex's ex P, that makes it much easier.
Well, this week I found out that P wife is going to college with me. Even more, we are sitting in the same psychology class. Today this said wife approached me and asked if I was fine and if I was the one who put up with her wife's crazy ex for so long.
I just answered yes with a laugh and after that we talked about a bunch of other stuff. She then spent the whole day trying to bond with me and ate lunch with me. Despite everything, I avoided the topic because, to be honest, I find it stupid to start a smear campaign after a failed relationship.
Anyway, whenever my now-ex spoke about her relationship with P, she was being very condescending. She told me about:
- P being hysterical, pathologically jealous (well, she
only cheated on her twice) and how "it" was very toxic at the time.
- P actually being the one with "real BPD"
- their relationship eventually escalating to the point where the two "mutually" beat each other up
- She has often mocked private details like eventually losing interest in P s*xually ("because she looked like sh*t") and pushing a pillow over her face during s*x to secretly watch p*rn instead
- She labeled poems she wrote about her as "Oh, I just wanted to write something romantic, but I never loved her anyway..."
Later I stood next to them when P picked up her wife from university. It was the first time I ever saw her in person. So that was this manipulative, unattractive, dull person... She actually seems pretty nice.
Despite our looks being oddly similar, she also seems like the loving, sensitive helper type. She also works in a helping profession like me, is creative and has many hobbies. She and her wife seem to have a stable and healthy relationship.
Of course, after one encounter, I don't know how things actually were between P and my ex. But it's clear, though, that there's a lot of cognitive dissonance on my ex's part.
This whole situation made me emotionally realize different things:
- I was a replacement
- In retrospect, she is absolutely incapable of acknowledging that she loved someone
- She will tell the same things about me
- I'm not different than any of her exes, I'm not "the only one who can help her", her only hope, the one with whom everything is different etc.
- I'm not the only one who she drove insane with her behavior and it's ok I made mistakes
- All the things she said about me being the love of her life are lies that she's also gonna tell her new one
- While I certainly made mistakes, it wasn't just my fault
- There is not a single reason to envy her latest replacement
- It is possible to regain trust
- It's possible to build a healthy relationship with someone else
While I wouldn't recommend actively reaching out to your PwBPDs exes (danger of triangulation if they are still in contact), it can still help to be open about the encounter in some cases. Sometimes it is the easiest way to understand on an emotional level that you were part of a destructive pattern and not the other way around.
