I’m afraid of my own daughter

[Hati]

Hello,
Newbie here. My daughter who is 36, has been diagnosed as BPD. She’s actively involved in therapy and hates the way she is.
She has several health issues along with her mental illness.
We found out that sometime in the past year she had a mild stroke. The only effect is an exaggeration in her emotions, especially anger and rage.
She has lived with me since 2017, after she divorced her husband.
It wasn’t till 2 years ago that she started to receive therapy. She’s on SSI.
I’m hoping to find help in finding her a supportive living situation.
So far I’ve not had any luck.
She has harmed me during a rage episode , and attempted suicide two years ago.
I spend a few days a week with my boyfriend just to give myself a break.
My anxiety shoots through the roof when I’m home.
She’s always negative and corrects everything I do. Complains about everything and when she gets upset, which is almost daily, she either does the silent treatment or explodes.
I’ve tried talking to her about how I feel but hesitate because I’m afraid she’ll go off.
I feel trapped

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Hati and welcome to the Family here. It is hard not to be anxious/afraid of a child with bpd because the abuse can be so intense -verbal and physical abuse. I am quite anxious at the moment with my bpd dd mainly because I feel she is using heavily again and this can make the situation very unpredictable.

So far it's a flood of verbal abuse - mostly upon waking up - followed by extraordinary slamming of doors. But I feel the potential for physical violence is there at the moment.

It sounds as though your dd has complex needs on top of bpd which makes it very hard indeed. It is fantastic that you get that break each week, but I bet you start to tense up as soon as you walk up to the door of your home.
.
You don't say how you take the break - a few consecutive days or day on day off etc, or how long it is since dd physically assaulted you.  Also on the days you are at home with dd, do you have things planned? Does dd have anything that she attends by herself?

In my case the fear I had a few years ago sort of stopped me from taking control of things from my own point of view. Reading lots of posts here helped me to make a start - here are some of the things that helped me.

I realised NOT to talk about myself: it always triggered a 'what about me response, from dd.
I realised engaging when dd was in a tirade only escalated it. So I told her one day that I wasn't going to respond because I understood when her emotions were high it only made it worse for her. Since then I have 'greystone rock'ed most of the time I am at home with her ie I don't start a conversation, and when she starts one I limit my response to a short, positive statement.
I realise dd needs to have a clear idea of any plans, so I pick a good moment and tell her well in advance.
I set my mind to letting the abusive words go past me - I see them as a sort of 'therapy session' for dd rather than anything to do with me.

I also use some Bach Flowers - Red Chestnut for my anxiety about dd and olive for exhaustion.

People here have mentioned practising not to JADE (judge, argue, defend, explain). It makes sense because all these things depend on the ability to be rational, and bpd folks are captive to their emotions.

Coming here has been great for me - just to know that I am not alone in the world dealing with this extremely difficult situation. Everyone's situation is different of course, but I have also found some really helpful suggestions that I can apply to my situation by coming here too.

I hope you are helped by coming here too.

[Hati]

Thank you for the response.

I'm usually at my boyfriends from Thursday night till Sunday. I am learning a lot about what you have mentioned. I now have a calendar on my bedroom wall where I write all of my activities down, so she knows what, and where, I am at. This was always a difficult area as she would complain she never knew when I was going to be home etc.

I'm learning not to engage when she's having a bad day, although it's proving to be a challenge but I am determined.

Fortunately, with my DD she does talk occasionally and we do have productive talks. She has a BA in psychology and is very active in her treatment.

However, it's still a challenge when the emotions get out of control. But, being here in this group is giving me more information and support.

Hati

[Sancho]

Hi Hati
Sounds as though you are doing well - and it's great that dd is so involved and that you can have helpful conversations.

Everyone's situation is different, but I found some really helpful insights here that made a huge difference to how I approached my situation in all aspects. I think it's because we all share the experience.

Stay strong and step by step . . . .