First post on conflicted board…

[thankful person]

Hi all,
I am a married lesbian with 3 children who are biologically my wife’s but ivf created so legally half mine.

I joined bpd family around Feb last year shortly before our second child was due. It has been an incredible journey for me on here and very positive for my marriage. I have been on the betterment board trying to encourage others by telling of how my wife had become calmer and more respectful through all the work I’ve been doing on self care, self respect, along with validating her and not JADEing.

However, since the birth of our son 3 weeks ago, my wife has regressed rapidly into old patterns of verbally attacking me, telling me I’m not good enough in not making her feel desired and she wants me to leave her (whilst simultaneously saying she needs me and doesn’t want me out at work all day as she feels isolated alone with the kids all day). My wife is very serious about her feelings. We do not sleep together, I have removed my rings at her request and she’s saying we’re not together and doesn’t want us to say I love you. She still wants me trying to make her feel desired but this can’t involve touching her.

I am yet again back in the dysfunctional dance just trying to keep the peace for the sake of the children.

I don’t know if she will somehow spontaneously move on from this. We have been through this during other times in our marriage, several times and especially when the babies were small.

Wondering if others could share their stories, if you’re going through anything similar or if you chose to leave, how did that work out? Overwhelmingly I want things to work out and be here for my children to raise them together. There is however a new part of me that is tired of all this with a new inner strength and I just feel like saying, “fine if I’m not good enough for you then I’ll go…” But then I don’t want to say that and it doesn’t seem like she wants me to go when she’s telling me 6 hours is too long to be out at work.

[arjay]

Just a couple of thoughts from an "old guy" that watched the changes of my ex after giving birth.  

• As it's only been three weeks since giving birth, is it possible hormonal changes are exacerbating her condition?
• My Counselor told me several times to not always react to things she would say as fact (what she really meant). Example I was told she never wanted to sleep with me again, so I moved to the back bedroom.  A week later she was pounding on the door telling me I had ignored her long enough
• As you made great strides in the past, is it worth maybe returning to the "old you" approach in hopes this behavior will abate?
• BPD suffers are not like you and me when it comes to episodic outbursts and things they may say.  I heard so many crazy things and yet a day later, it was as though nothing happened.  I came to see it as her poison within she was trying to eject.  I just happened to be in the firing-line.  That's not to say we should tolerate it, but using what you learned will help you to cope and defuse the situation

I feel for you and being torn regarding the children.  Is there a "T" you can discuss her changes after just giving birth?  Coincidental or possibly why things have deteriorated of late?

Just my 2-Cents

All the Best

[ForeverDad]

There's a saying, which sadly I did not know before trying to have children, "having children does not fix serious mental health issues".  For many of us it instead complicated and exacerbated them.

Another saying I've repeated in the past is a quote from a book in the 1980s.  Here is a short excerpt from my post...

As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that...

Maybe you can manage to improve things so life doesn't get worse.  Maybe  not.  But whichever way things turn out, there is a lot of collective wisdom we can share here in peer support.

[Notwendy]

I think there are two ways to look at this situation- the short term and long term. From what I have observed, BPD behaviors are disordered ways to cope with uncomfortable feelings. It would make sense that they would increase during times of stress- and stress can be from many things. A new baby is a wonderful event and also comes with stress- hormonal changes, disrupted sleep, family adjustment.

My own perspective growing up with a BPD mother is that, without insight and therapy to learn new ways to manage stress, these behaviors are what they do to cope. So the BPD behaviors increased during these times. Still, my BPD mother is severe and I'd say that BPD behaviors are constant, but they would vary at times. Other people's experiences might be different.

I think one part of your decision is what to do for the short run, and then what to consider for the long term. Short term, I think it's agreed that having a newborn comes with adjustments and the goal is to keep things stable for now. For a longer term decision, I think you have seen the dynamics in the relationship now and can ask- what is it that you want to have for a relationship, for your home life, and what situation you think is best for the children and for you.

I think people want to know they tried before making such decisions. The tools on this board help to decrease the drama in a relationship. Addressing our own behaviors such as enabling and walking on eggshells, JADE, - all these are good tools for improving dynamics- but they are changes we make for ourselves. They don't change the other person. We aren't able to do that. So once we have done what we think we can, there is still the question- is this situation something workable?

While it's not possible to decide for someone else,  I hope the posters here can help you decide what is best for your situation.

[silverberry]

Hi thankful person.

Your positive stories were really great to read and inspire others. Like you had found the key to making it work. I agree with other posters that it could just be a temporary setback. Such is the volatile nature of these relationships that it is really hard to be able to zoom out and get any proper objectivity on the peaks and troughs and what they might suggest for the longer-term.

I posted a few months ago after having left my wife. The first two years I had no idea what the problem was and almost wondered if this kind of behaviour was a huge open secret that happened in most marriages! Then she scratched me when I said I would leave for a few days to get some perspective after the usual having to defend myself against bizarre accusations of infidelity and a concept of 'cheating' that meant I could barely raise my eyes from the floor if we went out in public. I did leave, scratches and all, and sat in a hotel room drinking beer after beer, trying to process what was happening and searching for an answer as physical abuse was beyond what I could accept and shocked me. Then I found it... 'bpd'... and as is similar for so many of us, it was like reading an exact description of my experiences. At first I thought... great, I know the name now, the enemy is in sight and all problems can be solved. And so I went back after 5 days.

Fast forward a few months and I understood that there really was no easy solution and I was worried the situation was getting worse and seriously affecting my own mental health, not ideal when I was also living in a foreign country and did not have a job at that moment. The 'noose' was tightening and by the end she was complaining about the way I walked, and having increasingly peculiar delusions. Moving tables in a restaurant so I could not possibly see any females in the building. It was severely limiting and I pleaded with her for us to talk frankly. After she refused, I made my mind up to get out. Whilst living in a foreign country made things really tough for me in some ways, it also offered me a way out... get on a plane, escape from the mayhem.

Of course, I say all this and it sounds absolutely dreadful, yet much of the time she is a complete sweetheart, totally loyal, very loving, but the delusions and unhelpful thinking habits meant that the times where a mountain would be made from a molehill were indeed really traumatic. What a waste of life for us both. And if you cannot JADE, how do you begin to help someone understand that the grey sky they see above them is actually blue? It requires an immense level of trust, something that is in short supply. And if you stay, you are putting up with appalling behaviour that enables them to continue and never really make any progress. At what point does validating become enabling?

We have been in regular contact since I left, but I get blocked every couple of days. If there is a period of a week with no meltdowns I wonder if perhaps things are improving. A couple of months after I left, her friend messaged me to tell me she had a serious illness. I pondered whether or not to go. I ended up agreeing to go. I changed plans, booked flights, sorted out all the admin stuff. And just as I was about to walk out of the door, her friend told me not to bother coming if I was not staying permanently. It simply is not possible for me to do that without a job and the visa issues are difficult even when there is no mental illness to contend with. I had told my close family members here about what amounted to a bizarre lie. She herself would not take responsibility for it, saying it was a story concocted by her friend to get me to come back. How stupid. Even if she did not start the tall tale herself she should have told me that it was embellished to say the least (she does end up in hospital regularly for what I think are psychosomatic reasons).

I have been making notes and will write a book eventually about all this, but my own tale is not over yet. She is still pleading with me to reconcile, and then blocking me later the same day. I told her if we can go 30 days with no drama or arguments or immature blocking then I will come back for a couple of weeks. That would indeed provide me with some evidence that things were improving or had the potential to improve. But I soon felt guilty as it was obvious that 30 days of no drama was not possible to achieve, so I was setting her a task that was out of her reach. Yesterday, within a single hour she switched from 'please come back' to 'don't chat to me again'. How can any of us make plans when the ups and downs are more extreme than any actual rollercoaster?

I have found this site to be really useful and helpful to read for insight, but you can also find yourself stuck in a rabbit warren of endless musings, and getting the photo albums out and thinking about the past. I don't know if I have learned anything except that JADEing is ineffective and we can only change our responses. But I'm sorry to hear that you are at a low point at present - perhaps only time will tell if it will stabilise and end up having been only a minor blip in the graph.

Myself and my wife have both remained faithful to each other, and the one thing we agree on is that the end of the year is our mental deadline for trying to make things work or just getting divorced. At least we can agree on that. It is unfair to keep us both stuck in this stalemate. But it's sad because we do still love each other deeply and I have the feeling that if she moves on she will have similar problems throughout her life and it could be with people less interested in trying to help than me. And I live in a remote area where dating is not easy at all and I am getting to the point where having kids is going to have to happen in the next 2 or 3 years or not at all (unless I have a partner much much younger than me, even less likely where I live).

It has been 5 months since I left and nothing has really changed in the dynamics. She does make promises to try to change but these promises are easily made and easily forgotten within a short space of time. Trying to make boundaries in a situation where long-term planning for visas, flights is absolutely necessary is really tough. Who wants to spend half their savings on a plan that gets thrown out just 30 minutes later?

I still hold out some hope, because I know that she is a wonderful woman with a really tough illness and with some improvements our lives could be great. But at the moment, having ditched the 30 day idea, I do not even know what ''evidence" I require to make me book flights, start the mammoth task of sorting out visas, and give it another try. Time is starting to run out though, for both of us.

One of the few suggestions from friends I have heard that may have some impact is the use of liberty cap mushrooms - which is illegal in most countries and could easily make things worse as much as help her have some kind of revelation or illuminating experience. But there is definitely a growing number of studies that suggest it can help with some mental illnesses. I am not contemplating the idea seriously at this stage but wonder if there are any safe trials that could be enrolled in. Clutching at straws perhaps, and potentially dangerous straws at that!

Good luck, and I really hope it is just a little blip for you rather than a larger trend...

[babyducks]

hello thankfulperson,

you have already received some very good replies here, I'll go ahead and include my two cents.

in a nutshell you've described the dilemma of a BPD relationship.    the lack of stability.   

even with you functioning as an emotional caretaker with a laser focus on stability, and consistency, there will be outbreaks of emotional chaos.  it's a given.

I agree with the others who have said the recent very high levels of stress in your lives has created this emotional lability.     Moving.    New Baby.  Job Changes.   Embryo Decisions.    having followed your story for a while I wonder if the medical news about future pregnancies is driving this period of labile mood.    Your wife only seems content when she is pregnant.

What you want, and what you are able to comfortably cope with is important.    The decisions you make about how you decide to live your life, where you want to spend your energies, what your goals; are should receive equal consideration to your wife's.    Unfortunately, my experience was that my wants, goals, hopes, aspirations only matter to my EX in as far as they advanced her own needs.     It was very much as if I was an object that provided substance to her and not a 3-dimensional person with a life of my own.

in the constant chaos of a BPD relationship, I often put my own stuff last.   I'd suggest you take some time to think about what you really want and need.   Simple stuff.    I understand you let the teaching job go right now to deal with the pressures at home.   I am wondering what your early thinking is about how to build/rebuild a career outside the home that would give you a sense of satisfaction.   a sense of independence.   a broader number of adult acquaintances.    is that something that would even interest you?   

I am also wondering if you can use this period to work on the relationship you have with the children.   I understand that you have a legal relationship and are a parent to them, but I have the impression from reading old posts that your wife doesn't always respect this relationship or recognize it.   I'm wondering about what real, concrete, well thought out steps could you take to become a larger force for good in the children's lives?   They must be feeling this stress rather acutely.   

I'm also thinking about how you could broaden your support network.   I think you are going to need it.    a while back you didn't want to approach the topic of therapy for yourself because the timing didn't feel right.    what's you're thinking now, would it be helpful to have a therapist, member of the clergy, some local support network that could help lift you up?    even becoming a member of a local community organization, might be beneficial in broadening your horizons.

be reassured that what you are going through is fairly common with these type of high conflict relationships.    the last time my ex threw me out, it was because 'this just isn't working'.    that was the whole explanation.    I never got any more than that.    However, after she ended the relationship, she expected me to continue to financially support her, and pay for a place for her to live.    I was an object used to provide for her, whether it was financially, emotionally, or whatever.    while I was useful to provide stuff, both tangible and intangible,  my rights, responsibilities, obligations, needs, hopes were pretty much unimportant to her.

thinking of you during this difficult time
'ducks

[thankful person]

Thank you all so much for your advice and insights. I appreciate it so much.

Silver berry, I’m glad you found my posts inspirational. I feel foolish like I thought I’d figured it all out but I was wrong. There is absolutely no point in trying to discuss bpd with her so I’ll just continue muddling through. Thank you for sharing your story.

At the moment, I do think my wife’s behaviour is mostly down to the new baby and potential loss of the last embryo. I am trying to keep the peace as I said, but still upholding many of the positive changes I made for myself (and my children). I have been talking to my wife about sex lots (I think that’s what she wants but not sure tbh). It’s almost comical because it does not come naturally to me but I’m just hoping she’ll shout less if she can see I’m making an effort (most times she can’t see).

I hesitantly say she doesn’t seem serious about wanting me to leave, though it feels very serious when she says it. She has ordered matching bracelets for us to wear at Christmas. She said at one point I could come back in the bed but only because the spare room was to become a Christmas present rm. I told her I could still get in there to sleep because I didn’t want that it was too sad (and controlling). She also asked me to cancel my students on our upcoming anniversary even though I’m still not wearing my rings and she said she doesn’t want a gift or celebration). She has put last year’s photo of us kissing under the mistletoe as her profile pic on Facebook. I commented, “meet me under the mistletoe again this year baby?” And she ignored it. I know she’s messing with my head and I guess that’s what she needs right now, to unsettle me.

As for the kids, they’re amazing. I am so happy to have three children. At first it seemed it was going to work out so well having more children to “share” between us. I am very close to them all not so much the baby, but the middle one has become much closer to me since she stopped being “baby”. If she needs comfort, she no longer goes to my wife who has babe in arms. My wife is handling this part well. I think she was expecting it. The eldest has always been close to me since middle arrived. My wife gets jealous when she she shouts Mama! And runs to me when I get in from work. The child has stopped saying Mummy (this is my wife’s name and she said it first) and now calls us both Mama (my name). My wife does get upset about this. I’m now doing daycare drop off and pickups and I love that.

I am still teaching piano two mornings a week at a school. My wife admitted that it was more about her feeling isolated (not wanting me out too long) than not being able to cope with the children. I’m not giving up this job and also have online students and a few at the house. I don’t know what long term plans are and I still won’t get therapy unless things get worse between us. Bpd family is my support network for now. Thank you all again.

[healthfreedom4s]

Thankful Person,

I have been reading your posts in the recent months. The effort that you had put in handling the situations with your wife and the success that you have had were remarkable. Your setting of boundaries, sustaining them and gaining back your rights/space were very inspiring for me (especially where you started sharing pictures with your family and doing video calls with them).

About me - you can read my latest post. My wife has set divorce process in motion. Mediation is couple of months away. I will continue to update where we go from here.

I echo what some of other posters have said - to ride out this period immediately after childbirth if possible - and not make relationship decision at this time. But you can use this time to ponder over what you want, what you can put up with for long term and what are not negotiable. That will help you decide the direction when this difficult period is over.

I am rooting and praying for you. You are a great inspiration and you offer so much support to this community.

[thankful person]

Health freedom, thank you so much for your support and encouragement. It has been very hard pushing through the changes I made, but I’m reminding myself of how far I’ve come. Many of the changes are clearly permanent now for example she won’t be bullying me out of taking photos of the children ever again. I’m still video calling my parents with the children too though they haven’t seen the new baby on the call yet as he’s always attached to my wife’s breast but will call with him when he’s a bit older. I also realise how much my wife is attacking me over random things atm and I can’t even remember them all because it mostly just doesn’t bother me like it used to. I’m doing well to not make things worse with arguments and winding her up.

I read your latest post. I’m so sorry to hear what happened with your wife insisting on a divorce because you had lunch with your brother. It’s very scary to hear. Pwbpd do all manner of irrational things and it’s like once they’ve made the decision they can’t back down even if they want to. Tbh I can imagine the possibility of this happening to us. When I first insisted that I was going to take photos and share them with my mother, that nearly finished us. My wife even rang the ivf clinic at that time to check she had 100% control and ownership of the embryos (which she does not). At that time we only had the one child. We had to have a counselling session before the second child, to show them our relationship’s stable. It concerns me that my wife doesn’t have as much use for me if we’re not having any more babies together.

[bluebutterflies]

Hi thankful person. I am so sorry you are going through this—it is tough and you are so strong.

Apologies if I have skipped of remnants of your current post or past posts. Others have given such great insight and the only 2 cents I have are to help yourself during this difficult time. Have you considered putting together lists of things to remind yourself and affirm yourself? For example: "List 1: Self affirmations to remind myself of who I am and my values" "List 2: Ways to cope with partner when their behavior has escalated" (I've been putting together a list of what to do and not do to remind myself. Of course it's up to the person with BPD to change, but I will do my best in the meantime.)

Currently I am going through a swell of behavior as well and am beginning to build a toolkit for myself to deal with when I am overloaded, stressed, anxious, etc, etc. I am also journaling thanks to the recommendation of you all, so that I know how I feel 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years from now and hopefully will not be in the same position. Sending you lots of hugs and wishing things go uphill from here.

[healthfreedom4s]

I also realise how much my wife is attacking me over random things atm and I can’t even remember them all because it mostly just doesn’t bother me like it used to. I’m doing well to not make things worse with arguments and winding her up.

It is real great progress on the response side of it from you. I have also improved in this aspect. I am not responding to most of her splitting and accusations. I owe it to this forum.

I read your latest post. I’m so sorry to hear what happened with your wife insisting on a divorce because you had lunch with your brother. It’s very scary to hear. Pwbpd do all manner of irrational things and it’s like once they’ve made the decision they can’t back down even if they want to.

You are right on. I am just posting on update in my thread.

How are things the past couple of days?

[thankful person]

Thank you all for thinking of me. Honestly I’m living in a nightmare. My wife is cruel towards me with all the criticisms and I’m putting up with it because I don’t want her to shout at me especially round the children. She wants me to talk about sex all the time but she doesn’t respond to my efforts and I’m still not allowed to touch her and “we’re not together” apparently. This is exactly what she was like in the past. But she really thinks I’ve ruined her life and continue to do so. Most of the time an outsider would think we’re a happy couple getting on well. I want to be here especially with the children so little.

[thankful person]

I think my wife is less forgiving of me due to the fact that I’m not getting over emotional these days. I am upset but I don’t show it. I don’t want the children upset. I am beginning to think more about what my life would look like living on my own and sharing custody of our children. Although I wouldn’t be with them all the time, our time together would be wonderful. I’d also like to spend time alone and maybe even meet some new people. My wife would be a very difficult person to divorce I fear, especially with the children.

[ForeverDad]

Do you have a "To Do" list?

• Find a competent and perceptive counselor for yourself
• Seek some very confidential legal consultations - not just any lawyer will have the experience and proactive strategies you will need - find out how your local family court works
• This is the time to keep private and confidential from you-know-who the details of your goals and plans to resolve the current conflict by establishing a separate safe home - sharing information of this sort would be TMI and probably self-sabotaging
• Find a competent and perceptive counselor for your children - not only will the counselors be supportive of the children's welfare but if/when disordered spouse opposes counseling they can find ways to advocate for the kids
• Meanwhile, continue seeking the peer support here and whatever is available locally from trusted family and close (not mutual) friends
• Be smart - venting at the spouse in exasperation is nonproductive and may even be used against you
• If/when you separate, seek the most authority in custody and a parenting schedule - don't listen to those who suggest you let misbehaving spouse take charge of custody and parenting from the start since it is very hard to reclaim it later

[pkfrompa]

What sticks out for me in your post is "since the birth of our son 3 weeks ago, my wife has regressed rapidly into old patterns". Besides all these excellent responses also please consider that all of the hard work you've done may not be in vain and it's possible her behavior's due to post-partum depression.  What you're describing could be a BPD setback, it could be temporary due to hormonal fluctuations which take place after giving birth, or it could be PPD because the symptoms are strikingly similar.  If it's PPD she may need an anti-depressant to help support her until she's stabilized from the pregnancy and delivery.  Her doctor hopefully would be able to help you sort it all out.   

[babyducks]

I'm sorry to read that you are going through this thankfulperson.  it is so very difficult.

My wife is cruel towards me with all the criticisms and I’m putting up with it because I don’t want her to shout at me especially round the children. She wants me to talk about sex all the time but she doesn’t respond to my efforts and I’m still not allowed to touch her and “we’re not together” apparently. This is exactly what she was like in the past.

I'm in agreement with you here.   I too think this is exactly what your wife has done in the past.   

Digging a little deeper into what is going on, here is what I am observing.  Your wife creates impossible, no path to resolution, no win scenarios.   where she has 100% of the power/control and you have 0%.     Doesn't matter what the topic is,  you playing the piano,  taking a shower, having intimate relations. she has defined this in ways that make it literally impossible for you to 'do the right thing'.  There is no problem solving path that leads to a solution.   There are only things that you can do that are 'wrong' and further ruining her life.

which does make you ponder why someone would generate a situation where the only possible outcome is for your wife to be Angry.   Hurt.   Blaming.   The Victim.   to me, from my experience, if there is no way to ~fix~ the problem, well there must be something going on at a deeper level.

I'd suggest this is one of your wife's maladaptive coping mechanisms.  one of her favorite ones.    that when she has strong negative emotions to express, she generates a lose/lose scenario where she can use you as a whipping boy.    She might have 100% of the control in what you describe but you have 100% of the responsibility.   she gets to dump all her anger, shame, and pain on you, and blame you for it at the same time.        this is a strategy that works for her.    like all bully's she attacks you to protect herself.  she redirects her energies into an attack that keeps her emotionally safe, while venting whatever negative emotions she has within herself.

this attack hooks into your soft underbelly like it would with most of us.   I've certainly been there and done that.    get stuck in a nonsensical argument that goes round and round.   if there is no way out of the argument, then the purpose is the argument.   

all of us want to be liked, valued, and most of us have some element of people pleasing within ourselves.     still,   it seems to me that by going round and round with her while she dysregulates, you are getting nowhere.     I'd suggest you take some time to consider handing this 'problem' back to her to solve.    take back some percentage of your power and hand her some percentage of the responsibility.     find a compelling way of saying "look wife, we've discussed this a lot, and like we've talked about I can do X or I can do Y, you pick which direction you want to go in".

this is a hard tactic to apply successfully.    people on the BPD spectrum are very invested in having other people be responsible for ruining their lives by not caring enough.    It's always someone else fault.

at a minimum I would suggest you consider shortening these conversations about sex.  if right now they are going 30 minutes, try and cut them back to 25.   get up and go to the bathroom.    go to the store for milk.     then try cutting them back to 20.   and then 15.     

and take care of yourself.    you are absorbing a ton of negative energy.   like a sponge you are soaking up all the negative stuff she can throw into the air.    like bluebutterflies mentioned upstream find ways to build a tool kit that protects you  and rebuilds you.

ducks

[Notwendy]

Digging a little deeper into what is going on, here is what I am observing.  Your wife creates impossible, no path to resolution, no win scenarios.   where she has 100% of the power/control and you have 0%.     Doesn't matter what the topic is,  you playing the piano,  taking a shower, having intimate relations. she has defined this in ways that make it literally impossible for you to 'do the right thing'.  There is no problem solving path that leads to a solution.   There are only things that you can do that are 'wrong' and further ruining her life.

which does make you ponder why someone would generate a situation where the only possible outcome is for your wife to be Angry.   Hurt.   Blaming.   The Victim.   to me, from my experience, if there is no way to ~fix~ the problem, well there must be something going on at a deeper level.

I'd suggest this is one of your wife's maladaptive coping mechanisms.  one of her favorite ones.    that when she has strong negative emotions to express, she generates a lose/lose scenario where she can use you as a whipping boy.    She might have 100% of the control in what you describe but you have 100% of the responsibility.   she gets to dump all her anger, shame, and pain on you, and blame you for it at the same time.        this is a strategy that works for her.    like all bully's she attacks you to protect herself.  she redirects her energies into an attack that keeps her emotionally safe, while venting whatever negative emotions she has within herself.

This is similar to what my BPD mother does. Sets up situations where I am the villain and she is the victim no matter what I do. I also think this is about control for her.

I was also going to suggest some boundaries on your part about discussions of emotional topics such as sex. While this is your wife's way of coping, you don't have to be in complete compliance with it. I agree that it's important to care for the children first- provide what they need, but you don't have to talk about sex in this context- talking about sex but not allowed to be intimate? You also don't have to discuss the embryo- I don't think any doctor would implant one in a woman who just gave birth and is breast feeding, so no point in having a circular discussion about it now.

I was going to suggest what Ducks said but not just limit the conversation- don't have it at all. You can simply reply " I don't wish to discuss this topic" and disengage when she brings it up.

[ForeverDad]

I'm glad there was input from others and the possibility that this downturn may be temporary, such as PPD.

My ex was very out of sorts after our son was born.  Intimacy plummeted.  Very depressed despite the baby.  I had my hopes raised when she felt and behaved better once she finished nursing at 14 months.  I too was pondering PPD.  Ah, but a couple months later she had a triggering spat with one of her friends and she relapsed.  Maybe Post Partum Depression was initially a factor, who knows, but her mental health issues were still there.  It never got better again, well, not until our son was an adult.  We're still divorced but the discord is still lurking under the surface.

[thankful person]

Thanks all,

I know my wife has post partum depression, I think she knows it too, however getting her to accept any help and especially medical attention is a seemingly impossible task. She feels under lots of pressure from the health visitor as our baby is gaining weight slower than they hoped, she feels inadequate with the breast feeding. Also our three year old has delayed speech and my wife also feels it as a personal attack when anyone mentions this even in a professional capacity.

We have certainly walked this road before, however I think because I feel so much stronger, yes there are circular arguments as it helps to stop her shouting, but I think the fact that I’m not visibly upset means that my wife is in some ways no longer getting what she wants from me and that’s why I don’t know if we can survive this.

At the same time, I don’t know how our marriage could actually end because it doesn’t seem my wife has ever said she wants me to leave and seriously means it. I’m like, do you mean that? And she’s like, do what you want… I am going to look into moving out just for financial understanding at this stage. I certainly won’t be moving out soon.

There are also some jealousy issues over my relationship with the children. My wife flipped out the other day because D3 requested that I read her bed time story instead of wife. My wife was like, I’ll just fxxx off then I know when I’m not wanted…” I was so angry I found it hard to validate her feelings of rejection. But I didn’t want to start a screaming match so in the end I just walked away. I have since tried to explain that our children should feel safe to express their choices of which one of us they want at any time. I’m hoping she might have taken this on board despite never admitting taking anything I’ve said on board.

[FirstSteps]

It seems like you have a really clear head about it at this point.  My wife had PPD with both kids, and it was very real but also masked the underlying issues.

We're on the opposite end of the cycle, so to speak, here.  My wife is in perio-menopause, and it is also very real and devastating.  I think it is actually what has taken us from just unhappy to disastrous.  But I'm still left with the question of what to do with that.  Just endure because even more of it is not her fault?  Wait it out, even though the end game could be a permanent emotionally abusive state?

I think it's great you're looking at options and considering the kids above all else.  I hope it both calms down and that you find clarity on your next steps!

[babyducks]

getting her to accept any help and especially medical attention is a seemingly impossible task.

She feels under lots of pressure from the health visitor

she feels inadequate with the breast feeding.

my wife also feels it as a personal attack when

D3 requested that I read her bed time story instead of wife

your wife is struggling with issues of self-image/self-esteem/self-worth. 

anything that suggests she is NOT perfect, or NOT a perfect mother is a trigger for her.

I am going to remind you of what you already know. 

pwBPD cannot accept perceived flaws.   when you played the piano better than she could, that was a perceived flaw in her, and her reaction was to stop YOU playing rather than accept she was not good at something.    don't you think the same thing is happening now?

I am going to look into moving out just for financial understanding at this stage. I certainly won’t be moving out soon.

laws are different from place to place.    keep in mind how moving out would impact your legal situation.   

I was so angry I found it hard to validate her feelings of rejection.

there is no reason to validate the invalid.

'ducks

[ForeverDad]

she feels inadequate with the breast feeding.

My ex too had similar concerns.  Her nutritionist said she should take fenugreek.  She was determined to breastfeed only 6 months.  She stopped at 14 months, so it must have helped.

https://www.healthline.com/health/breastfeeding/fenugreek-breastfeeding