Why was he trying to keep me in his life if he is so in love with the new girl?

[Pearl111]

As most relationships with people with BPD, mine ended really badly. We were long distance. I had to leave him to protect my mental sanity because he became extremely controlling, nothing I wanted mattered and I had to continuously adapt to his internal anxiety and insecurities (which were neverending), by giving up on a bunch of things: celebrations, clothes, gym... I had clothes and social media micromanaged. I couldn't have a "no" as an answer or draw any boundary because he would threaten to leave me (later he said he wasn't controlling because I accepted his demands). Paranoia and random attacks also increased and I was daily accused of things I had never done to him, no matter how much I tried to reassure him. I felt there was no way to have peace with him. I literally felt my whole being was degrading, I felt ill and tired most of the time and I couldn't handle the double standards he was putting on me.

He found the new girl in two days, so there was no grieving period for him. He started dating her and at the same time wanting to keep me in his life, saying that he still loved me and wanted to restore our relationship. However, I couldn't keep in contact with him knowing he had someone and had to cut off communication with him. He got really mad when I decided to cut off communication. He started saying that "it was the right decision because he had feelings for the new girl and had to focus on her" and he also threw a pity party "I won't chase you even if I tried to restore our relationship". Well, we didn't cut off communication as I expected, I continued being strung along. This time, he started saying that he wanted to get back to his home country and then try something with me and reset our relationship. At some point, I just couldn't continue with that.

He answered whenever he felt like saying I wasn't entitled to answers in a timely manner, he wanted me there but not taking responsibility for nothing he had done, if I ever brought up the past he would literally go crazy and call me resentful and unforgiving. All started being on his terms. He said the fact he wanted to try this again was unprecedented after I tried to leave him several times. He couldn't understand how abusive he was and why I tried to leave him.

In our last conversation, I told him I wasn't able to continue with him like this and that if he actually loved me he would leave this new person to actually try to restore our relationship. So I told him that if he wasn't doing it we had to end this, and he, again, started bringing this new girl up saying he loved her and that I was a horrible person and there was no compatibility between us anyway. It ended badly. He blocked me, I blocked him, he sent me a message wishing me well on Gmail and again rubbing how much the new girl is doing for him so he has to be respectful towards her, which I didn't answer, then I realised he unblocked me, but I plan to keep NC.

What I mean is, what is the whole purpose of wanting you to be there while being so in love with the new person? If he was so in love, why was he even making plans to be with me and restore this after he went back to his home country in a few months? Why was he literally getting desperate and angry if I decided to cut off contact? He always tried not to bring that girl up, but whenever he was splitting he would literally vomit how great she was and how committed they are and how much he loves her. In good times, when I would ask him questions about her, he would tell me he prefers not to answer questions about her. He would only confess after splitting.

But he wanted to have me there. Sometimes he emailed me about whatever book he was reading, the plans he had in his life, and so on. But each time I would decide to cut off contact he would go ballistic and call me the worst things and act as if "he didn't want me anyway because he loves the new girl".

[Silverdash]

I dont know. My ex did the same. Wanted me as a friend. I believe he did it to triangulate me with his new supply. My presence made her uncomfortable due to our history. I think he used me to make her jealous and to make her demonstrate/prove her love/devotion to him more. I feel he tried to elicit jealous/hurt responses from me by telling me how amazing and perfect she was at stabilizing him and meeting ALL of his needs. A few minutes later he would contradict him self and portray him self as a victim of his mean/uncaring new gf.

I also think he kept me as a friend for a time to ease his own guilt for treating me so poorly. To convince him self that he is a good guy not a bad guy...because who would want to still be friends with some one who treated them so carelessly.

Having an ex as a friend is a handy bpd backup plan if the new supply does not last. Push and pull because we liked them too much and they cannot handle it. We triggered engulfment fears and abandonment fears... inevitably due to the passage of time and liking them : ( btw my ex was in treatment

[arjay]

..."What I mean is, what is the whole purpose of wanting you to be there while being so in love with the new person?..."

I went through the same.  I believe it's fear of them letting go; triggers the abandonment feelings; we become a "safety net"; a voice from the past that provides them some sense of security.  At the same time, we are left in this emotional place of "nowhere".  This process generally continues until we finally go NC (for good), or they finally move on with their new partner.

As difficult it was for me to stay NC, it was when my life finally started getting better. No texts, emails, phone-calls; nothing. Additionally during this time of NC, attempts at contact actually became more frantic, before they finally ended.  It's a behavior known as "extinction burst" and may involve anything from suggestions of reconciliation and still loving you, followed by demonization for not replying/contacting.  In other words, their attempts at contact may actually increase, before finally subsiding.  Likewise their emotions during this time, may actually become more pronounced (from suggested love to hate).

These types of relationships are seemingly characterized by them only living in the "moment"; no sense of loving history; no sense of their wrongs; their abusive behavior.  It's only about them and their seemingly unending belief in being wronged by everyone.  

I stayed in my relationship/marriage on-and-off for nearly 7-years and it never got better, though my emotional state deteriorated more and more over time.   The kindest thing I could do for myself in the end, was to let-her-go and work on myself.  My self-esteem issues kept me in a relationship that was never going to be healthy.  At some point I could no longer blame her, for me continuing to communicate.  That was on me.

Don't bother telling him you are going NC (you simply re-engage in the insanity).  You just "do it".

All the Best

[AdRock]

Every situation is different but if he is anything like my ex, they struggle with severe feelings of self-loathing.  My ex surrounds herself with people that she swears solidarity to.  I believe this not just because of her fear of abandonment but because it probably validates her.  To clarify, she would have trouble sleeping and I think those feelings of self-loathing would be highest for her when she had no one she could talk to at that moment.  I think surrounding herself with people who care for her reminds her "I can't be a horrible person because X Y and Z person are amazing and care for me".  Now granted, that seems almost condescending to think of a functional adult like that (and she is highly functional) but it shows the level of self-loathing she struggles with.
I bring that up because it seems common that people with bpd want to keep their ex as a friend, regardless of how you might feel about it.  Because they can't stand if someone thinks ill of them and an ex very likely, at least and especially at the beginning of a break up, will have ill feelings towards them.  So if they can keep you as a friend, it will lessen their feelings of self-loathing.  They will probably be thinking, "I can't be as bad as I think myself to be because my ex and I are still close friends".  Because their feelings will be paramount to what you need.  Which is unfortunately why relationships with them are so hard to navigate.  Because regardless of whether they care about you or not, the anxiety their own emotional state causes them will force them to place your own feelings on the back burner to take care of their own first.