I want to take care of my self but I can't

[unicornlaxative]

I can't because I feel guilty. My mom is suffering the effects of her poor financial choices and I am already helping her and my aunt every month and every now and then. However, there are some medical and physical needs (sometimes pampering too) that I've been needing for a long time but I can't do it because once I do, I'll be perceived as I have a lot of money and I should've added used that money to add to the help I give them OR why didn't I bring them with me because they needed those "treatments" too.

I give them my hand, they want my whole arm. It is always not enough. They are always hungry. There is always no food to eat. Life is always hard. There is always something to be sad about. To complain about.

So what I do is just not do it at all because it is exhausting to explain and explain that it's something I've saved up for and I just resent being made feel bad about taking care of myself, so I just don't do it at all.

I heard that misery loves company and I'm completely falling for it.

I'm not rich. I make enough decent money for my own family, charity and for her. But learning from my financial trauma from her. I've become very frugal about the money I have. But I also try to enjoy the fruits of my labors time to time.

My mom has work but it always baffles me why she's still drowning in debt. Why there is always not enough.

I miss taking my mom out and just having fun, but as I said, I'm not rich and she doesn't like cheap stuff. Once I took her out I spent thousands of cash because there was always she "wanted to try" and she knows how to use my love for her against my best judgement. Not just that, at the end of the day she'd still ask for money because aunt hasn't eaten for days or the electricity'll be cut.

Sometimes she would invite me out and then surprise! I'll pay! She'll conveniently say it in front of a waiter after we've already ordered. My resentment piles up.

When it's her asking me out and/or paying for things. At the end of the day she'll ask me to pay for lists of things for her needs because she has already spent for our date. It is infuriating because most of the time I don't have money and she'll cry throughout the night why her life is so hard and I just wanna k_LL myself because I'm such a worthless child that I can't even help my mom.

I love my mom but I hate that her choices and how she "parents" me affects me so much that most of the time I just want to curl up in bed and fantasize about a life different from mine.

What's saddening is that she is a Christian and was the one who introduced me to Christ. She was supposed to maturing in faith but it's the opposite. I've been called self-righteous and ignorant when I share to her about Biblical wisdom about her issues. it truly breaks my heart because she is depressing and loving her feels repulsive when I know it shouldn't be because she is my mother and I know she loves me in a weird way and only wants the best for me.

Sorry my post is all over the place.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi UL,

Money and BPD, right? My mother also has something about money... All my life she would tell me how my father was rich and should be giving me money more. When I started working myself and she realized the career I had, she started talking to me in a weird manner too about money... My H and I are both very frugal too. Last time I saw her, she realized I was Costco member and she started talking about how Costco was for rich people, and it was told with such contempt. It was incredibly weird, seeing how she had one for many years, and right now she is using her friend and neighbor card to go to Costco, basically going with them every time.

Anyway ! It's to a much lesser degree than your mother, but just to say I also observed some weird quirks my mother has about "being rich" and money.  

So... From my point of view, it seems like your mother and you are not only emotionally enmeshed, but financially enmeshed. Like your finances became, over time, an extension of your emotions and she uses that against you, use your need to be loved against you.

I think now might be time to put hard boundaries in place, and to let her learn about natural consequences.

No one wants to see an elderly parent struggles, and I am not saying you should cut her completely off... But I think you have a right and a duty to yourself to authorize yourself some much needed self-care without feeling guilty about it. It is YOUR money, the fruits or YOUR LABOR, and it is YOURS to spend as you see fit. NOT hers.

I would personally stop bringing her to the restaurant and other treats like that. If she really needs the help for her house payments, and because it might be very hard for you emotionally to just cut her off abruptly, then maybe you could list, for yourself, what she really needs from you, and what the treats and extras are, and cut the treats and extras... Free them for your own self-care.

I cannot stretch this enough : you have a right to exist independently from your mother. You have a right to take care of yourself. I garanty you SHE does and did, else, they wouldn't be needing so much money from you, would they?

Please, please, please... Allow yourself the right to exist your yourself. Progressively to make it easier emotionally, maybe. .. but boundaries are needed to protect yourself.

So maybe .. no restaurant anymore. No shopping center for a while, or if you go, you truly HAVE to stand for yourself, make it clear before going that you won't be paying for her. And if she starts abusing you because you won't pay: you leave and cancel the outing.

This is an example, what would be boundaries that you think would work for you? Boundaries that you feel you could uphold for yourself?

Maybe going for self-care and not telling them could work out to decrease confrontation too.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. Money can be an issue with BPD. My BPD mother is elderly and fortunately, my father left her with enough money to meet her needs. Growing up, we seemed to be on a budget but she was not. My mother seems to have no regard for the value of money and also prefers high end things.

She's also been controlling with money. While Dad ( now deceased ) earned it, she controlled how it was spent.

She will not discuss her finances with her children, or anyone else for that matter. We don't want her money but it would give us peace of mind to know that she has enough, for her sake and ours. While we would not want her to be without her basic needs, we know she has more than enough for that, if she doesn't spend it all recklessly.

How old is your mother? This is an important consideration because, she does need to learn that money has value and how to not run out of money. BPD mother didn't learn this, because Dad provided for her to the extent of enabling. It appears to me that what you are doing is enabling your mother to continue to be careless about money ( and your aunt too). If you are "bailing them out" of their money mistakes, they won't learn from them.

Enabling isn't being a good person. It isn't being charitable. It's actually harmful to the person because it keeps them from learning an important concept and skill- how to manage money and it keeps them dependent on others. While your mother might say giving her money as the "Christian" thing- it's not kind or charitable to enable her and her aunt to take advantage of you. It's enabling them to do the wrong thing.

Saying no to your mother and aunt is difficult but if they are able to stand on their own two feet, then they need to learn that. Yes, they may make mistakes but they can learn from that. I recall when I was first on my own, if I didn't budget my paycheck, well, it wouldn't last all month. That's a lesson. I learned what food cost, utilities, rent. I also learned to prioritize. If I had enough money for food or a new dress- food came first. Your mother and aunt can learn that too-- but first, you need to let them learn this by backing out of being their money supply.

They also need to know this now, before they are elderly. It's not likely they will be saving for retirement- but you need to be doing that with your money and not spending what could be your savings on expensive items and outings. Those aren't "needs" they are wants. If your mother can't enjoy a coffee date with you because it's not expensive, then you have to wonder what kind of relationship this is.

You may feel that giving them money is being a good person but it's not, not to them and not to you. Now, the bottom line is that it wouldn't be right to let an elderly parent be without food or shelter, or clothing, but it seems your mother can fend for herself. This doesn't mean you don't give the occasional gift but it doesn't have to be expensive, and first of all, stop enabling her reckless spending her money and yours.

[Notwendy]

I also encourage you to revisit your religious upbringing. BPD involves disfunction in relationships. How someone relates to, and interprets their religion is a form of relationship. Children's ideas of religion and God are influenced by their parents. The concept of charity and honoring a parent are themes in all major religions. How do we act according to our values when a parent is disordered?

Well, it's hard. I probably don't do it perfectly and yet, all we can do is try our best at it too.

This concept helped me- I honor my BPD mother by honoring the best in her. If I enable her to be abusive to me, then I am enabling her to not treat people well- I am enabling the worst in her, not the best in her.

Honoring isn't the same as loving or obeying. If my BPD mother demands I do something that isn't in her best interest, I don't honor her by obeying her.

Honoring isn't the same as making her happy. She may get angry at me for saying no but I should not say "yes" when I mean know as that is being dishonest with her.

Charity- which kind of charity is better? Giving someone money or letting them learn to not need your money? Both are charity, but one leads to not needing charity.

[Methuen]

However, there are some medical and physical needs (sometimes pampering too) that I've been needing for a long time but I can't do it because once I do, I'll be perceived as I have a lot of money and I should've added used that money to add to the help I give them OR why didn't I bring them with me because they needed those "treatments" too.

Hi unicornlaxative!

From reading between the lines, it kind of sounds like you and your mom are very  close and have done a lot together and spend a lot of time together.  

It also sounds like you take care of her, and probably always have instead of the other way around.

Does that sound about right, or am I off base?

On this forum, we can relate to your words:  I could give her my hand and she would want my arm.

In fact, if you give her your whole arm, she will want a leg too.  If you let her, she will swallow you whole.  

She won’t/can’t  change because of her mental illness,, so the only way this can get better is if you change you.  She won’t like it.  But you need to choose you.  She has probably trained you to think that is selfish, but she is the one being selfish.

Moving forward,  if you do some things to take care of yourself, how will she know unless you tell her?

One of my first tasks was to unmesh myself from my mother.  It’s a process and takes time. I don’t tell her anything personal anymore.  That way she has less power over me.  

Do you live together?  If not, how far away is she?

[unicornlaxative]

thank you all for your insights. Im crying as of this writing because it breaks my heart.

She is in her 60s and my aunt in her 50s.

They were both hard working and bread winners of their family.

but they did grow up in a battered home - where my grandpa would beat my grandma up and get her money for casinos and my mom would intervene to protect her mom. and my aunt would usually be beat up too because my grandad lost a bet.

They had to grow up pretty fast and learn that life is full of bitterness.

My mom never beat me up but use a lot of gaslighting, manipulations, threats and her BPD.

I really pity them and love them. But I want to end the cycle.

I just don't know how.

[Methuen]

I want to take care of my self but I can't

What's troubling here is thinking and believing "I can't".

Better would be, "I can, but how?"

Do you live with them, or do they and you live independently in separate households?

[Couscous]

UL, I just started reading a book called Boundaries, and it’s blowing my mind. It’s written from a biblical perspective and I think it will really, really help you navigate your relationship with your mother.

Does your life feel like it's out of control? Perhaps you feel like you have to say yes to everyone's requests. Maybe you find yourself readily taking responsibility for others' feelings and problems. Or perhaps you focus so much on being loving and unselfish that you've forgotten your own limits and limitations. Or maybe it's all of the above.

In the New York Times best seller, Boundaries, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend help you learn when to say yes and know how to say no in order to take control of your life and set healthy, biblical boundaries with your spouse, children, friends, parents, co-workers, and even yourself.

Now updated and expanded for the digital age, this book continues to help millions of people around the world answer these tough questions:

Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
What are legitimate boundaries?
How do I effectively manage my digital life so that it doesn't control me?
What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?
Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
How do boundaries relate to mutual submission within marriage?
Aren't boundaries selfish?

https://www.drcloud.com/books/boundaries

[Turkish]

They are always hungry. There is always no food to eat. Life is always hard. There is always something to be sad about. To complain about.

The emotional World-view of The Borderline Waif is "life is too hard." Rescue me.

My mom didn't guilt me as yours did, but I rescued her financially for over 15 years: from a foreclosure, utilities on the verge of being shut off (a recurring story), unpaid property taxes, food for her menagerie (she was a hoarder, also of animals). I gifted her my perfectly good 4x4 truck which she ruined and I gave her money for an engine rebuild.

In my head, I subtracted my rent and retirement contributions before taxes and compared my net income to my mom's social security where she lived on a paid off property with low property taxes. We had equivalent net income and I still had my truck payment. Why was she always poor? The poor will always be with you.


I don't know if this is fair, but Matthew 13:12 came to mind:

12Whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them.

I found out later than many others were also enabling my mother logistically and with cash or credit. Her neighbor was astounded when after paying my mom $100 for weeding her flowerbeds that my mom blew it on lawn gnomes (yard statuary) when the neighbor took her to Walmart to get food for her and her animals.

In the end, even that what she had was lost and taken away.

By the time I was 13, she'd lost a home in a short sale and 25 acres of forest property in foreclosure for wont of a $15k note in 1984 dollars. I charged $5k on a credit card to save her 5 acres from foreclosure in 1999. That got her another few years until she stopped paying property taxes (~$100/month!) And ran it up to $8k and crisis.

If you can't manage a little, you can't manage a lot.

I'm sorry about the emotional blackmail and guilt, but these adult women have sabotaged their own lives. The conundrum is that they are emotionally incapable of managing themselves, and it's tough for adult children to determine how much we should do.