Reluctant to ever see parents again post-BPD discovery?

[Teabunny]

Now that I've read a lot about BPD and psychology, in books and websites and this forum which is priceless, it's helped me implement communication boundaries and process many feelings so that I can better understand my parents and see the nuances, even have a healthier relationship with them. However...I can't imagine ever being ready to see them again. I still write, mail cards and gifts, send videos and occasionally call. But going to their house, where things are artificially decorated to look perfect yet conceal truly frightening and reprehensible behavior that leaves telltale signs (a hole in a wall made by my mother, or a look of despair in my father's eyes)? Nope. And how can I meet my parents and act like everything is OK when I know (and much more deeply understand) how seriously my mom is abusing my dad and doesn't plan on stopping, and he agrees to this, and she will be glad to emotionally abuse me again if she gets the chance, and he agrees to THAT too?

How many of you struggled to see your parents after you discovered BPD and came to a better understanding? Will I feel better about it in a year or so?

[Tortuga50550]

In my case, I still live with my parents, but I get what you're saying. After realizing my BPD father was very likely never going to change his behaviour and how much that behavious had affected me, the relationship was never the same. I try as much as possible to not be in the same space with him, and if I have, to not be for too long. And I know that if I were to live in another place, I would do anything to not see him again (at least, for the moment).
I'm not sure if you'll stop feeling like this or not. For what I have read on books about BPD survivor's, the more they work on themselves and on healing, the best chances are that they have some sort of relationship with their parents (though this time with established boundaries). I guess it's different for everyone, and I don't think that anyone's guess it's wrong or right.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Right there with you Teabunny,

Now that I am aware of everything that was wrong with BPD mother, I feel anxiety at the thoughts of seeing her again, playing it nice, doing like there is nothing wrong... Especially with my children now... I just don't want them near her, triangulating them, crying while holding them in her arms for how much she missed them... This is so heavy...

...

Yeah...

Not sure how to get to "normal with boundaries" just yet.

[Teabunny]

It would almost help to have a task list for myself to consider seeing them again, first I'd need to:

• not fear mom so much I can't think or feel calm
• feel more accepting of their choice to live abusively without treating BPD
• feel less stress at being around mom if she's drugged or tipsy
• practice verbal responses to any threats, lies, descriptions of abuse, etc
• become healthier & stronger to physically defend myself if needed
• become mentally stronger and disconnect more (stop going back to the empty well)
• decide what my in-person boundaries are, depending on the space we see each other in - my mom hasn't visited me in my home ever as an adult, that's over a decade, so if that happens what would I need?

But in terms of feeling good enough about it to plan to SEE them again, I wonder if I ever will.

[Methuen]

Sigh.

I wish I had the choice.

I live in the same small community as my mom, and since she is 86 and a frail BPD waif, she depends on H and I as her only family.  She also obligates friends to help her.  She cancelled home care.  Every visit, I use every skill I've ever learned on this site, or from books I've read, or from T.

It's not easy seeing her.  It's like work.  I have to mentally prepare myself.  An hour is my max.  I almost always have my H with me.  Afterwards I have to be kind to myself. 

I think I've emotionally detached.  But it's just really really hard.  She's made terrible choices, and is not living the best life she could.  Quite the contrary.  I have to accept that.  But I don't like it.  At all.

Once a week is my max.  I'm anxious before, and rattled after.

Your task list is a good one.  It's very close to what I've had to learn to do. 

My life would be a lot simpler and my emotional well-being probably a lot healthier if I didn't have to do this. 

The things that have helped me cope the most are emotional detachment, mindfulness, a supportive H, this forum, T, and boundaries, boundaries, and more boundaries.  And even more boundaries and emotional detachment.  It's just been emotionally really painful.

I get where you are coming from.  I totally hear you. 

I wish you peace.

[Methuen]

I've been thinking about you some more.  I've re-read your post a few times.  To paraphrase, you can't imagine seeing them again, and you also want to be authentic to yourself.  Going to their house and pretending everything is fine when it is in fact terrible, is not something you can do authentically do. You can't handle seeing your dad be hurt like that, and pretend nothing is wrong.  Am I close to the mark?

If yes, I completely get it. If no...apologies for not understanding it.

My situation is a bit different, because my dad has already passed (17years ago).  But when he was alive and ill at home with a degenerative disease, the stress of it was unmanageable for mom and she was in a constant state of dysregulation, until she finally agreed to let him go into a home (after a year).  I reported her behavior and treatment of him at the time to the appropriate people, and I think that may have helped get my dad into a home, because they talked to him privately after that.

To her, his death was like another abandonment (her mother died when she was 14, and she had an abusive father).

My struggles intensified after dad died, and her "needs" and behavior have changed the course of my life.

It's been hard.

While I wouldn't give "advice" because I don't even know the tip of the iceberg of your situation, what I can do is validate your feelings for not being able to imagine ever seeing them again.  To see your dad entangled in an abusive relationship, and unwilling to get help, while continuing to enable her behaviors and even abuse of himself (and you), would be painful beyond words.  

Trust and believe in your gut.  There are many reasons why you haven't seen them in 10 years. It is unlikely you could change anything for them.

And yet...you are still wrestling with whether or not to see them again in person?  

This isn't a question for you to answer here, but what is it that you are hoping for out of this?  Why is this coming up for you now?  

For me, it's tough seeing my mom make terrible choices, but at least she's mostly hurting herself (and us) but not my dad.  For you, it's more complicated because there's another whole layer with your dad.

My heart goes out to you.  It's not easy to wrestle with and navigate this.  It always seems like a lose-lose with BPD in the mix.  It's probably more a matter of which side of the "lose" is the least damaging.  It's not a great choice to have.

How many of you struggled to see your parents after you discovered BPD and came to a better understanding? Will I feel better about it in a year or so?

I think for those of us that re-establish or maintain contact for all kinds of reasons, we have to learn to tolerate our own distress better, and get good at using the tools we've learned.  But  I expect the relationship with a BPD parent to always be fraught unless they are successful at therapy and meet us half way.

[Notwendy]

My situation is a bit different, because my dad has already passed (17years ago).  But when he was alive and ill at home with a degenerative disease, the stress of it was unmanageable for mom and she was in a constant state of dysregulation, until she finally agreed to let him go into a home (after a year).  I reported her behavior and treatment of him at the time to the appropriate people, and I think that may have helped get my dad into a home, because they talked to him privately after that.

To her, his death was like another abandonment (her mother died when she was 14, and she had an abusive father).


While I wouldn't give "advice" because I don't even know the tip of the iceberg of your situation, what I can do is validate your feelings for not being able to imagine ever seeing them again. 

To see your dad entangled in an abusive relationship, and unwilling to get help, while continuing to enable her behaviors and even abuse of himself (and you), would be painful beyond words. 


For me, it's tough seeing my mom make terrible choices, but at least she's mostly hurting herself (and us) but not my dad.  For you, it's more complicated because there's another whole layer with your dad.

My heart goes out to you.  It's not easy to wrestle with and navigate this.  It always seems like a lose-lose with BPD in the mix.  It's probably more a matter of which side of the "lose" is the least damaging for you.  It's not a great choice to have.

Our stories are very similar and I also went along with the family dynamics because I wanted a relationship with my father. When he got ill, it was a similar situation to Methuen's and I did report it, and when his doctor spoke to him about my concerns, he got angry at me and told me to keep quiet. At one point he did go to assisted living/ rehab and we felt relieved that he was in a safer place where his needs were attended to, but he hated it, signed himself out and returned to my mother.

At one point I just lost it with her and yelled at her, but the result was like I just peed in the wind. Not only did it all come flying back at me, she added more. I have not yelled at her again, because it does no good to do that and it only results in her projecting it back.

I didn't go NC with my mother, one reason is due to her age. I don't live close to her like Methuen does, and the distance helps keep a boundary, I speak to her on the phone. I have made the effort to visit her, and do nice things for her, I think in hope that she'd see the intentions and attempt but as far as any relationship with her that has meaning- it feels futile.

I can't advise you what to do. Ultimately, whatever you decide, make that decision about you, not your parents. I felt as if I had failed to do enough for my father at the end of his life. I wish I could have done more, but their raging at me overwhelmed me emotionally.

I decided that for me, I needed to keep the door open with my mother, even if only a tiny bit, with the slim chance she may see things differently but if there was a chance at all, it's probably so close to zero it's negligible, but it matters to me that I'm not the one to close it. I realize I can only do this because distance itself is a boundary.

[Couscous]

How many of you struggled to see your parents after you discovered BPD and came to a better understanding? Will I feel better about it in a year or so?

We joined this site the same month interestingly. It had been eight months since I had discovered BPD, so maybe I am about 6 months ahead of on my healing journey. I am also not yet at a place where I feel like seeing my mother. My parents are divorced, but my relationship with my father is unsatisfactory at best, especially now that I am breaking out of my role as his emotional support person and no longer feel responsible for him. As I have been getting in touch with my inner child I am finding I that I am not feeling as much pity for him, and instead I am feeling lot more empathy for myself.

I have heard that the holidays and birthdays etc. are always going to be sensitive times no matter how long we have been in recovery though, so maybe a lot of feelings are coming up for you right now because of that. Maybe you could do something special for Little Teabunny, something that you would have loved to do as a child at this time of the year? Sending you a big hug.  

[Teabunny]

All virtual hugs were so appreciated, thanks! 

Why is this coming up for you now? 

It's more that I'm asking about it now, but it started to come up for me earlier than spring 2021. Something may happen in the future that might require my presence as their only kid, assuming that I'm not disinherited (I expect nothing). Especially since mom is now estranged with all her siblings and half-siblings, and nephews etc, and both her parents have passed and she's had fights with every friend I know she had, including the neighbors. Who else but me? So in the future my presence may be required legally?

I've also been spending these years reconnecting with family on both sides that my parents isolated me from (a BPD dynamic thing). Coincidentally two of my cousins and their families moved to live close to us in different cities. It is AWESOME and we're all having a great time, but at Thanksgiving while visiting one of these cousins, my cousin casually suggested that next year we invite all our parents to stay and share the holiday at his house.  - - that's how I feel about that!

I can choose not to attend, or to attend but with boundaries for my parents, but it seems inevitable that someday I MUST make that choice to see them again or not. [Side concern: It may harm my relationship with my cousin's family if my parents agreed to visit them, and it may also be bad for my cousin's family just in general since they are not all white English-speaking neurotypical people and my parents are not super tolerant. My thought on that is that I get to enjoy having my cousin and his amazing family in my life as long as he/they and I both want that, and if my parents are able to sicken that relationship, his/their opinion of me is not something I can control, and there is already a lot of support for that situation here on this forum, so I'm prepared just in case.]

Thirdly, mom's not traveled to see me since my marriage 15+ years ago, and she suddenly mentioned in an email that she'd like to visit for a future holiday. I will have to choose whether to say yes or no, eventually. For now I just ignored the question, as she is presenting herself incapable of even walking and I don't know that she can travel anyway. We are quite far away from them. Thankfully!

[Notwendy]

All virtual hugs were so appreciated, thanks!  

It's more that I'm asking about it now, but it started to come up for me earlier than spring 2021. Something may happen in the future that might require my presence as their only kid, assuming that I'm not disinherited (I expect nothing).

I can choose not to attend, or to attend but with boundaries for my parents, but it seems inevitable that someday I MUST make that choice to see them again or not. [Side concern: It may harm my relationship with my cousin's family if my parents agreed to visit them, and it may also be bad for my cousin's family just in general since they are not all white English-speaking neurotypical people and my parents are not super tolerant. My thought on that is that I get to enjoy having my cousin and his amazing family in my life as long as he/they and I both want that, and if my parents are able to sicken that relationship, his/their opinion of me is not something I can control, and there is already a lot of support for that situation here on this forum, so I'm prepared just in case.]

Thirdly, mom's not traveled to see me since my marriage 15+ years ago, and she suddenly mentioned in an email that she'd like to visit for a future holiday. I will have to choose whether to say yes or no, eventually. For now I just ignored the question, as she is presenting herself incapable of even walking and I don't know that she can travel anyway. We are quite far away from them. Thankfully!

I have faced similar situations with my family. BPD mother has "disowned" me and then "reowned" me. I don't have any expectations. Since she is elderly, I am on her "to call" list for her medical providers and caregivers. She's in complete control of all decisions- medical, financial- we have no access to anything, but there is a power of attorney that names us in case there's a need for that.

One option, although we don't wish to do it unless there's no other way- ( and it has been mentioned by her care coordinator as BPD mother has not been cooperative with us ) is to designate a state guardian and turn over decisions to them. So this could be a decision made for your BPD mother if there were no other person willing to be next of kin for her.

Relatives- yes, BPD mother has alienated her family from me, but something recent has happened- some of them are beginning to catch on to her and have reached out to me. I remain wary of this but they seem sincere and so I will welcome a relationship but I stay a bit guarded around anyone in her circle.

I do understand your concern about how they would feel if your mother acted inappropriately but if she did, then it's her behavior, not yours.

And the visit your mother mentioned. Ignoring it is what I do too. BPD mother sometimes says things to get a reaction from me. If I react, it becomes more drama. I really don't want to hurt her feelings. But I have learned that if I need to say "no", that's what I have to do.

[Couscous]

I also wanted to float the idea of your putting this concern about seeing your parents on the backburner for right now, and to instead consider going in the opposite direction by temporarily taking break from your relationship with them. It would just be for a period of time while you work on your healing.

I personally have found this to be essential in my own recovery process and I think that is has really helped me to psychologically separate from them, so perhaps this is something you might want to experiment with. In my case, for the past two years I have largely limited communication with my mother to just birthday and Christmas greetings so there has been no real back and forth communication, and I had her emails go directly to my spam folder which I would read but not respond to. With my father it's been a year of greatly reduced contact.

I must warn you though, that attempting to separate was by no means easy to do, and my mother pulled out all of the stops in an attempt to reinstate the old dynamic in our relationship, which culminated last month in a 7,200 mile round trip in an attempt to trample my boundaries and force a reconciliation. But I held firm and refused to allow her to manipulate me. It was the first time in my life I have ever actually said no to her, and I refused to see her. Amazingly, the world did not come to an end and apparently she had a very rapid recovery as just last week she emailed me as if nothing has happened and was back to her usual self (playing the victim in an attempt to hook me into rescuing her). But for the first time ever I had no emotional reaction whatsoever. It was quite remarkable. So I think I have broken whatever spell she has had over me and because she no longer has any power over me, I think I am finally in position to figure out exactly what kind of relationship I want to have with her going forward.

[Methuen]

my mother pulled out all of the stops in an attempt to reinstate the old dynamic in our relationship, which culminated last month in a 7,200 mile round trip in an attempt to trample my boundaries and force a reconciliation. But I held firm and refused to allow her to manipulate me. It was the first time in my life I have ever actually said no to her, and I refused to see her. Amazingly, the world did not come to an end and apparently she had a very rapid recovery as just last week she emailed me as if nothing has happened

Couscous, I for one could learn from this.  If I understand things correctly, your mother flew 3600 miles to see you (on her terms), and you held a boundary and did NOT see her (because there was no agreement for her to come).  And then she emailed you after she was back home as if nothing had happened...

This is remarkable on so many levels.

And a huge learning opportunity for all of us here.  If you care to share more details, many people could benefit with me being at the front of the pack.  Holy Moly.  Just saying "no" to something that big and dramatic...wow.  I said "no" to being mom's "long term care" by going back to work and being "unavailable".  But I didn't have the courage to verbally say "no" to what she wanted.  I did it indirectly instead - because I didn't want to hurt her and because I was afraid of her reaction if I said no directly...but the vitriol came anyways of course.

I just gotta say that what you did had to have taken courage.  Did it feel that way to you?  Were you just "busy" and "not available" and so she did a bunch of shopping and sight seeing, or did you say "no, you weren't going to see her"?  What did she do instead?  I notice that you didn't agree to meet her in public or at a restaurant.  You kept your firm boundary - but the pressure must have been pretty intense after she flew 3600 miles.  I feel like there is probably a story here, and I for one am a self-acknowledged life long learner.  I think I could learn something from this if I understood it better...but only if you feel ok to talk about it.

Perhaps a big lesson for all of us is that the Sky Did Not Fall Down on (you) Chicken Little.

[Couscous]

I’m happy to share my story.

After two years of very low contact my mother, who believes that I have cut her off, emailed me to inform me that she was coming to visit in two weeks and would be staying with my sister (who has been shunning me since I began setting boundaries) and that she would love to see me while she’s here. She would be here for two weeks, and it “just so happened” that her visit would coincide with both my son’s birthday, as well as her own, a week later. I initially had no idea what to do so I told her that I would think about it. I decided a few days later to call her to find out what her agenda was. Since she doesn’t have a filter, it quickly became clear that the purpose of her visit was to force me to reconcile with her and if I did not, then the consequences would be that I would be excluded from her birthday celebration which was also going to be a mini-family reunion of sorts (she invited her only sibling who would be flying in from another state). She tried to lock me into to committing to see her during the call, but I actually had to end the call to go to an appointment. She emailed me to demand we have a heart-to-heart and reinforced her (veiled) threat, but I turned the tables on her. I replied to say that while I would be quite happy to see her at the party, (I have no problem with seeing her in a group setting so that she has lots of other people to focus on) I really didn’t feel up to having a “heart-to-heart” with her at this time. She pushed back, and after I couple of days I replied to say that after thinking things over, I have decided to sit this visit out and that I hope she enjoys her visit and has a happy birthday. Her reply was to send me a video of my son’s first birthday, although I’m really scratching my head on that one. 

In the end, I must have taken the wind out of her sails, because they cancelled the birthday party plans and my aunt, sister and mother went sightseeing on her birthday instead, but not before my father tried to arrange for me to meet up with them. I said “no thanks” to that too. 

One thing that really helped before I told her my final "no", was to do a two minute grounding exercise beforehand. My anxiety immediately vanished and did not return for the duration of her visit. At one point I actually forgot that she was in still in town.   

[Couscous]

I’m happy to share my story.

After two years of very low contact my mother, who believes that I have cut her off, emailed me to inform me that she was coming to visit in two weeks and would be staying with my sister (who has been shunning me since I began setting boundaries) and that she would love to see me while she’s here. She would be here for two weeks, and it “just so happened” that her visit would coincide with both my son’s birthday, as well as her own, a week later. I initially had no idea what to do so I told her that I would think about it. I decided a few days later to call her to find out what her agenda was. Since she doesn’t have a filter, it quickly became clear that the purpose of her visit was to force me to reconcile with her and if I did not, then the consequences would be that I would be excluded from her birthday celebration which was also going to be a mini-family reunion of sorts (she invited her only sibling who would be flying in from another state). She tried to lock me into to committing to see her during the call, but I actually had to end the call to go to an appointment. She emailed me to demand we have a heart-to-heart and reinforced her (veiled) threat, but I turned the tables on her. I replied to say that while I would be quite happy to see her at the party, (I have no problem with seeing her in a group setting so that she has lots of other people to focus on) I really didn’t feel up to having a “heart-to-heart” with her at this time. She pushed back, and after I couple of days I replied to say that after thinking things over, I have decided to sit this visit out and that I hope she enjoys her visit and has a happy birthday. Her reply was to send me a video of my son’s first birthday, although I’m really scratching my head on that one!  

In the end, I must have taken the wind out of her sails, because they cancelled the birthday party plans and my aunt, sister and mother went sightseeing on her birthday instead, but not before my father got in on the action and tried to broker an agreement for me to meet up with them, which entailed my sister having to bury the hatchet for the day (which is she actually agreed to do!) But I said “no thanks” to that too.

One thing that really helped before I told her my final "no", was to do a two minute grounding exercise beforehand. My anxiety immediately vanished and did not return for the duration of her visit. At one point I was at such peace that I actually forgot that she was in still in town.  

[Methuen]

Couscous, I have so much respect for you.  

Was that as hard for you to do as I’m imagining? 

The results are a testament to how well you managed the situation.

Do you mind sharing the grounding exercise that worked so well for you?

[Teabunny]

Wow, Couscous, that must be some amazing grounding exercise! I'd like to know about it too. Good for you for being able to say "no" even when your mom traveled to see you in person. That was an option I wasn't aware that I had, actually. Thank you, thank you for sharing!

[Teabunny]

Notwendy, thanks for all your sharing and for mentioning that "when you need to say no, it's what you have to do" sometimes and that it's ok.

I do understand your concern about how they would feel if your mother acted inappropriately but if she did, then it's her behavior, not yours.

That's the way I and my husband think about people - if any of my cousin's parents acted inappropriately towards me, I wouldn't think badly about my cousin or his family.

But somehow, this doesn't play out. Adult friends who knew my parents and I when I was a teenager tend to assume "we're all weird" and don't want contact with me, not because they've spent any time with me as an adult, but because they saw how my mom was. I even had a close friend in college who stopped being a friend after he met my mom and realized she was just like his own mentally ill mom, same energy, and he started thinking maybe I was just like our mothers, too! My mom's half-sister wants contact with my mom, but mom cut her and her other half-siblings out, and this year became estranged with her full siblings also. All my aunts and uncles tend to see me as an extension of mom, or connection to future contact with mom. Rather than just a niece. I've had to put boundaries in place and assert that "I am not my mother and whatever happened between you, I don't need to know about it and am not involved in it either."

Theoretically, I could have that boundary with any cousins that she strikes up a new contact with. The question is whether cousin & fam will be able to continue seeing who I really am, and as a separate entity from, my mom/parents AFTER they have increased contact with mom/parents. And I've accepted that's their choice which I can't control. For now, though, this is borrowing trouble from the future. My current focus is on carefully establishing my own truth about my childhood with my cousin (who thought my parents have been happily married and everything was perfect), without vilifying anybody or going into too much detail, while also explaining boundaries I have with mom and why those are needed. Fine line to walk! Still learning. An example of this: my cousin couldn't understand why I didn't just ask my parents about something they would be able to answer. I had to explain that asking didn't mean they would ever reply, and why my mom controlled dad's contact with me, but in context of her as a human with dignity who deserves mental health support she's not getting - and why it was not my job to be that resource for her either. In that situation it was actually my cousin's mom who was able to answer our question and it worked out great because she is responsive. My cousin is at a different place; he thinks "it would make his parents happier" to live nearby so they could see his toddler son and be happy. I had to remind him that we can't make our parents happy - our parents saw US as children and it didn't make them happy, so using his son to make them happy likely would also backfire. We agreed that it was actually healthier for son to grow up geographically distant from all that drama.

[Couscous]

The exercise I did was the 5-4-3-2-1 technique. I used a book that I had ordered to use for my kids that I had received earlier that day: https://www.amazon.com/STOP-Read-This-Book-Grounding/dp/1735601136 I was so glad I had the book, because I can never remember how to do the exercise when I'm triggered, but printing out the instructions and keeping them somewhere accessible would work just as well.

There are lots of different kinds of grounding exercises and different ones work better for some people than others. This particular one works well for me but I have also had success using EFT or TFT (tapping), but of course, YYMV.

Essentially, what's happening is that our nervous systems are reacting to our mothers as if we were still in childhood, when holding a boundary or saying "NO" would have resulted in either physical or emotional abandonment or abuse. The solution to this is to send our nervous systems a message that we are no longer in danger when our mother is displeased with us. Even if she does cut us off permanently ("abandons" us) for daring to defy her, which is always a possibility with mothers like ours, this is no longer a life-threatening proposition. 

 

[Teabunny]

Thanks Couscous, I'm going to try all of these exercises! What a good idea to tell our nervous systems, "Wait, you are not in danger anymore." Hopefully one or more will work for me. Thank you!

[Notwendy]

But somehow, this doesn't play out. Adult friends who knew my parents and I when I was a teenager tend to assume "we're all weird" and don't want contact with me, not because they've spent any time with me as an adult, but because they saw how my mom was. I even had a close friend in college who stopped being a friend after he met my mom and realized she was just like his own mentally ill mom, same energy, and he started thinking maybe I was just like our mothers, too!


The question is whether cousin & fam will be able to continue seeing who I really am, and as a separate entity from, my mom/parents AFTER they have increased contact with mom/parents.

I have had similar fears and situations. My mother's FOO is close to her and I have felt that this influenced how they see me. At the time my father passed away, my parents had been angry at me and they seemed to rally to BPD mother's side. I didn't know what to do- if I said anything it would be her word or mine. My parents were invested in keeping my mother's mental illness a secret. They'd have to choose to believe two different stories, hers or mine. Realizing that they were a major support to her, I disengaged from all of them. I did see them at a few family functions but remained cordial and distant. I assumed those relationships were gone and I felt sad about it, but didn't know what else to do.

Interestingly, some of them have reached out to me recently. They have been around my mother enough to have figured out that it's her issues. On one hand, they feel badly about it, but also they are upset with me for distancing myself from them. We both had misunderstandings of the situation. I remain wary of them in a way, as I am wary of anyone connected to my mother, but with apologies on both our parts, we may be able to move forward. I don't know if I did the right thing or not but I feel that getting away from a triangle and letting the relationship be just them and her may have allowed them to see the disfunction.

And yes, I have been afraid that people would not want to be my friend because of my mother. I was nervous about having friends come over when I was younger as I didn't know what mood she'd be in. But even in high school, some of my friends stayed with me regardless of how she acted.

In college, I was dating a guy and I really liked him. I told him about my mother and right after that, he broke up with me- ghosted me- and it confirmed my fear that someone would do this. After that, I was reluctant to tell anyone about her.

It's interesting that since I reconnected with some friends from high school on Facebook that I learned some of them had abusive parents. So here we were, afraid to let anyone know, and neither of us had a clue. What I have found is that we shouldn't make our disordered family members a main topic of conversations but that I think people understand more than we think and that maybe, the people who leave us because of our mothers are being overly judgmental.

It's a dilemma what to do about seeing extended family if you don't want to see your mother. I don't think there's a right or wrong way. I felt that cordial and distant from all of them was the way to proceed but now know that hurt their feelings too. It's complicated.