Brother with BPD

[Tenfive]

My brother is the most difficult relationship of my life and my wife who is a therapist helped me understand recently he has BPD. It puts lots of his previous behavior to light.

Recently, we had been playing phone tag and I texted him to set up time to connect. He responded he doesn’t do scheduled time with family and that I need to call him at an impromptu unscheduled time. I responded that phone tag is stressful for me and since I am caring for a new infant at home I need to coordinate times to connect otherwise it is pretty much fruitless and plus we are both grown adults with full time jobs living in different time zones. We are at an impasse and he keeps calling me at random times. I can’t take this but don’t want to get sucked in his swirl where he makes me feel bad for not picking up but then refuses to coordinate on a time.

Any advice or outside perspective would help. I feel totally disrespected by him. Yes I could call him now but my family has babied him and walked on eggshells around him our entire life and now because of that he is an emotional terrorist that won’t stop until he gets his way.

Not sure what to do aside from putting up a hard boundary.

[Couscous]

He responded he doesn’t do scheduled time with family and that I need to call him at an impromptu unscheduled time.

Oh, boy, this is exactly the kind of thing my BPD brother would say…  

My suggestion is that you don’t take his behavior so personally. He seems to have a issue with not wanting to feeling controlled, and unfortunately there is nothing you can do about this.

If I were in your shoes I would hold a boundary on this. If he happens to call at a convenient time then you of course would answer, and if he is unable to catch you for a couple of months, then you could send him an update via email so that he doesn’t think you’re trying to punish him with the silent treatment. The two of you might even benefit from a lower frequency of contact anyway. My husband only talks to his brother once every 3-6 months, and they are on good terms, so if you are currently talking to your brother more often than that then it might be worth experimenting with cutting back a bit.

But no matter what you do differently, your brother won’t like it and will resist, or turn it into a power struggle. He probably will try to guilt trip you over it, but he doesn’t have to succeed.   Good luck!

[zachira]

I too have a brother with BPD, and understand how stressful and hurtful it is to deal with all the dysfunctional behaviors. From my experiences, the most important boundary you can set with your brother, is to keep focused on how you feel inside when interacting with him or how you feel when thinking about him, and to avoid mirroring his feelings as your internalizing his erratic feelings will show him that he is successful in making you feel like he does inside. What kind of contact would you like to have with your brother? It sounds like he is testing you to see if you have unconditional love for him by insisting you be willing to put up with his behaviors no matter how disruptive they are.