Exiled again and Merry Christmas.

[StillSearching]

 have two brothers, and one sister. My sister has been diagnosed with BPD, my mom has not.
I never made the connection that my mom is BPD until reading this board.
This post is mostly about her.
Have gone NC 4 times for long periods of time in the last 40 years.

I had been speaking to my parents (mainly mom) for about a year, and visited them twice.
I have 5 children; my parents have no relationship with any of them.
They met a grandchild this past July that they had not seen since he was three, he is now 22.

Two days before Christmas, I visited my parents (now in their eighties).
I told my mom I would take her to the grocery store, but she was not ready when I arrived even though
she told me to be there no later than 6:15AM.
I made some fatal errors.
The first was engaging in conversation with my dad while I waited for her tp get ready.
My mom always "feels left out" when other people are talking, and will express that in many different ways.
I never really get to speak to my dad alone.
The second was discussing something my sister had done to my daughter 10 years ago. (It ALWAYS comes up)
My sister, although she puts them through mental torment, is I believe the Golden Child at the moment.
(She has always been the golden daughter)
She is an alcoholic, a drug addict, threatens to commit suicide, has actually attempted suicide twice, steals from them, extorts them, and verbally abuses them,  has gotten into physical altercations with my dad etc. etc...
Anyway, my mom blamed my daughter for having a negative reaction to my sister’s bad behavior (My BPD sister physically threatened her)
I disagreed with her by saying "why do you always make excuses for BPD sister? (dumb)

Mom's face changed. She withdrew. She started doing kitchen things, yet still made he presence known.
I didn’t pick up on the q's, and continued talking with my dad. (more dumb) 
My mom then announced that she may be having a heart attack.
She was clutching her chest, sat down at the table, and started popping nitro glycerin pills.

All of a sudden, I realized what was happening.
My dad declared any and all discussion over, said "visiting is good" and proceeded to escort me to the door.

I texted him later that afternoon to ask how she was feeling, and he texted back "She is taking a nap"
No reply's to any texts from me after that.
 
Early Christmas morning, my mom called me.
I cheerfully said "Hi How are you?" relieved and happy to hear from her.
She replied "Horrible" in that voice that makes me physically ill. "Your father has been fighting with me" 
The call lasted at least three hours and was just a regurgitation of the script I've listened to as far back as I can remember.
The abuses she has suffered at the hands of people who are supposed to love her, from her birth until the present.

"You don’t know me", "You don't love me", "you don’t really want to talk to me".
"No one has ever loved me", "I'm sorry you think I was a bad mother"
An account of all slights from neighbors, her in-laws, my in-laws, my children.   
An account of every crime I committed as a child...
An account of every little thing she has ever done for me...
How difficult her pregnancy with me was...
How long her labor was...
How she stayed in an abusive relationship because she had no choice.
(She also claims at other times that she sacrificed having a happy life for her children willingly.)
How I will know the physical and emotional pain I have caused her when I stand before Jesus and receive my life review.
All this said alternating between her angry self, and her hysterical crying self.
I tried to assure her. I tried to console her.
I tried to defend myself because I felt like I had to a few times.
In the process, I raised my voice to her, yet another crime.
It finally ended with her crying and saying "Merry Christmas, I love all my children"


But of course it was not over, as my siblings called to wish her a Merry Christmas, she informed them of how her Christmas was ruined. 
BPD Sister started texting and calling me non-stop for over 48 hours straight.
She texted my children, targeting my daughter specifically.
She texted my friends.
She threatened to call my ex.
She always attempts to say the most hurtful things possible, and she has lots of inside info.   

Got a text two days after Christmas from my mom  "You kicked me in the gut again!"
Dad has gone silent.
1 Brother says has set boundaries, he texted that he still loves me, hope he doesn't get worn down.
1 Brother Silent (haven’t spoken to him since 1995).
Sister still drowning in her illness, and obviously taking mom's calls again. 
 
Things have gone quiet for now; the history of the event needs to be rewritten and memorized
by everyone still in the game.
The quiet after these events always makes me anxious, because I know it's not over.
The hand written letters from my mom will start arriving soon.

Long post.
Thanks for reading.

[zachira]

So sad for you.You are not alone in having disordered family members. We want so badly to be seen and heard by our family members, and it hurts when we aren't. As you have described, any rational explanations that you give a disordered family member, turns into something so distorted, so irrational that you are left feeling overwhelmed and stressed. As you have said, it is quiet now and you know the storm is not over. Indeed it isn't. One sad conclusion I have come to through my interactions with my disordered family members and their enablers, is hearing what they don't want to hear and expecting us to be mindreaders to somebody who reacts to overwhelming emotions with irrational disturbing behaviors, just leads to more crazy making behaviors of the disordered family members. What do you think would be the best way to ride out the storm this time? What has worked for you in the past?

[StillSearching]

Zachira,

Thank you, and to answer your question...

I did not allow myself to get sucked in by my sisters texts and will not.

Might have to go NC with my 81 yo mom once again. 

Just sad.

First I'm going back home tomorrow, and am going to hug my German Shepherd Dog  : ) 

[StillSearching]

.

[StillSearching]

What do you think would be the best way to ride out the storm this time? What has worked for you in the past?

So , in my above reply to you, I said I did not know what I was going to do.

I had a 6 hour drive alone to think about it.

Mom:
Going NC again with my mom does not feel good to ME at this time.
It might later, I will leave that option open.
If and when the letters do come, I will try not to internalize anything she says. (always hard)
I will read the letters ONCE, consider the source, and throw them away.

Sister:
I did send my sister a very brief text:
-What happened actually had nothing to do with her( my sister) .
-It was something I said that insulted our mom.
-I regretted being dismissive with her (my sister), she (my sister) no doubt felt attacked.   
 
If sister sends rational texts, (which I highly doubt) I will reply briefly.
If they are suicide threats, I will call the police immediately.

 



 

 

[zachira]

I like your list. You will likely have to revise the list from time to time, as the process of changing the kind and quality of contact we have with disordered family members changes, as new chaos unfolds, as it always does. Glad you are doing what you need to do to keep yourself emotionally safer and that you live so far away from your disordered family members.

[StillSearching]

I like your list.

That statement really resonated with me.

That's what it is, it's a "list" to deal with THEM when they come after me, but not  with my feelings.

I'm so worried. It's been a week, and I can't shake off this sick feeling in my stomach. I literally can not stop thinking about this. I'm having weird dreams again. I'm restless, but at the same time I'm just sitting around accomplishing nothing. I can't even decide what I want to make for dinner. I'm afraid to look at my phone.
I'm too old for this.

I think it's time to talk to a therapist.