Husband may have bpd, looking for help

[thepixies21]

Hi, I’ve been with my husband for a long time. He has always struggled with really severe depression and has had a pretty crazy childhood and abuse. But things over the last few years just seem to be getting worse. He’s on meds, he’s in therapy, but he struggles so much. He isn’t working, he is taking time to take care of himself which is okay. But he cant keep friendships, he doesn’t really try to go out and meet people with me because he feels judged. He gets really angry when he’s upset and I don’t think he even realizes how scary it is. He isn’t abusive but he throws things when he’s upset, and he just explodes about things and then apologizes. I’m totally not perfect, I can definitely work on being more present in the relationship, I started a new job and I work a lot. When I’m home I find myself just zoning out and that’s not good.  But honestly I’m just so emotionally exhausted and I’m struggling to keep my empathy. He’s a great person when he’s doing well, he always has my back and has been a huge support.  but the hard times are more prominent than the good lately. I want him to consider a day program but he thinks I’m just blaming him for everything. I just feel sad and alone. It’s not really something I’m open about. My family doesn’t know and honestly they have their own issues and it would just make it more exhausting. I’ve moved and I just don’t have any friendships right now that feel safe to talk about this stuff. I have a therapist which is so helpful. I just wish I knew what to do next. I’m don’t know why I’m posting here honestly I don’t have a question. I just don’t want to feel alone.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hi, I’ve been with my husband for a long time. He has always struggled with really severe depression and has had a pretty crazy childhood and abuse. But things over the last few years just seem to be getting worse. He’s on meds, he’s in therapy, but he struggles so much. He isn’t working, he is taking time to take care of himself which is okay. But he cant keep friendships, he doesn’t really try to go out and meet people with me because he feels judged. He gets really angry when he’s upset and I don’t think he even realizes how scary it is. He isn’t abusive but he throws things when he’s upset, and he just explodes about things and then apologizes. I’m totally not perfect, I can definitely work on being more present in the relationship, I started a new job and I work a lot. When I’m home I find myself just zoning out and that’s not good.  But honestly I’m just so emotionally exhausted and I’m struggling to keep my empathy. He’s a great person when he’s doing well, he always has my back and has been a huge support.  but the hard times are more prominent than the good lately. I want him to consider a day program but he thinks I’m just blaming him for everything. I just feel sad and alone. It’s not really something I’m open about. My family doesn’t know and honestly they have their own issues and it would just make it more exhausting. I’ve moved and I just don’t have any friendships right now that feel safe to talk about this stuff. I have a therapist which is so helpful. I just wish I knew what to do next. I’m don’t know why I’m posting here honestly I don’t have a question. I just don’t want to feel alone.

Welcome to the forums Pixies, you're definitely not alone.  I've felt the exact same thing in my 24 year marriage- the good is AMAZING, but the bad (depression, anger, shutting down) kept coming more and more often.  What I didn't realize for a very long time is how much I drifted from being myself, how much I sacrificed trying to be a caretaker.

In terms of talking to friends or family, it's tough because they don't understand the nature of the beast, so I kept finding myself saying, "No, she did this, this and then that.  Yes, that was last Tuesday.  Yeah, I get that she acted normal at your house an hour later."  Others just don't get it, which is why this forum is so incredibly valuable.

Feel free to vent as much as you need to and also check out the sticky posts, tips, and tools sections for more info.  Tons of info here if you need it.  Good luck!

[thepixies21]

Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it. Coming on the site and reading the info has been really helpful. I think I'm realizing that I have some codependency issues myself, and that I need to work more on keeping my own boundaries in my relationship and not losing myself in his depression/emotional dysregulation. I can't fix it for him and it's making me miserable to try. I need to have my own emotions and reactions if I'm going to survive this. I think the biggest thing for me is learning to step away when we have these arguments that go in circles and last for hours at a time. It completely destroys me for days afterwards and nothing changes. So I'm just going to end them and walk away when I feel it happening again. Sometimes it's so easy to get sucked back in, he'll say something that makes me want to argue back, and then he'll claim that I'm the one who's being defensive. I think I need to learn that being angry and taking the bait doesn't help me, it doesn't help him. It's just a way to keep the fight going. I told him yesterday that I'm going to set this boundary in the future, and he just had no response, just said "I don't even know what to say to that." So I told him that's fine and that I just needed him to know. He said that it makes him feel like I just see him as the "guy you had a fight with that one time", but I didn't take the bait and told him calmly that it's not how I see him, and didn't try to hash it out any further. It felt good to keep my cool, and I just need to remember to do that in the future. I hope he learns to work on himself but I'm slowly learning that it's not my job to do that for him. Thanks again!

[Pook075]

Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it. Coming on the site and reading the info has been really helpful. I think I'm realizing that I have some codependency issues myself, and that I need to work more on keeping my own boundaries in my relationship and not losing myself in his depression/emotional dysregulation. I can't fix it for him and it's making me miserable to try. I need to have my own emotions and reactions if I'm going to survive this. I think the biggest thing for me is learning to step away when we have these arguments that go in circles and last for hours at a time. It completely destroys me for days afterwards and nothing changes. So I'm just going to end them and walk away when I feel it happening again. Sometimes it's so easy to get sucked back in, he'll say something that makes me want to argue back, and then he'll claim that I'm the one who's being defensive. I think I need to learn that being angry and taking the bait doesn't help me, it doesn't help him. It's just a way to keep the fight going. I told him yesterday that I'm going to set this boundary in the future, and he just had no response, just said "I don't even know what to say to that." So I told him that's fine and that I just needed him to know. He said that it makes him feel like I just see him as the "guy you had a fight with that one time", but I didn't take the bait and told him calmly that it's not how I see him, and didn't try to hash it out any further. It felt good to keep my cool, and I just need to remember to do that in the future. I hope he learns to work on himself but I'm slowly learning that it's not my job to do that for him. Thanks again!

I can relate to everything you just said, and I wish I knew about BPD while my wife and I were still together.  It sounds like you're doing everything right though, and I applaud you for focusing on yourself. 

When my wife left 5 months ago, I had no idea what to do with myself because my entire life was geared around her and our kids (kids are young adults, out on their own).  And I won't lie, the first few months at home alone were ridiculously hard.  But eventually I started to recognize the old me, the guy that was always happy, funny, sarcastic, etc.  And I was like, "Wow, I really like that guy...where the heck did I go for all these years?"

I shared that to say don't give up.  Find the real you again, focus on yourself and what makes you happy, and keep learning all the tools here that can help you communicate better with your spouse.  It's normal for them to not like you doing something different, setting boundaries, etc...they prefer the selfish chaos.  But that's all you can do at this point.  Be the best you that you can be and your hubby will adapt or he won't.  I hope that helps!