Got HF uBPDw into therapy willingly What can I expect?

[Outdorenthusiast]

So - just want to celebrate a small victory of her willingly going into therapy.  Now I have a lot of nervous trepidation about what to expect as she is a master emotional manipulator and I am worried she will con the therapist.  However I know this could be a great breakthrough or terrible with marginal/no improvement after sinking thousands of dollars on weekly sessions.   Does it work long term?  What can I expect?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Fish1974]

That's great news - I will be interested in following this story. I'm assuming DBT therapy?

I had this exact same conversation last night with my therapist, "hypothetically speaking" we managed to get "x" into therapy. Would that work..? Mind you I'm still in the phase of the breakup.. knowing that I need to just walk away/ but STRONG desires to "fix it". Hell as I type this message, I am battling a massive urge to reach out to mine. Not going to do it, but it's taking all my strength to do so (especially since I received a text from her last night)

My therapist teaches DBT, and she said that it "works", (and she used that term loosely) only for a bit. She said that as long as the person who is suffering from BPD continues the therapy program (openly and puts the work in), that they will show improvements. Obviously doesn't make it go away, but they can learn and apply tools to make better decisions.

Then the "but" came!

She said often times pwBPD (just like with any other addiction or mental disorder challenges in life) get to a place in their head that "they've got this" and or can do it on their own. The end up quitting the therapy and try to do it on their own. That's when there is an increased possibility that things are going to go sideways. So, it's really difficult to predict the outcome of your person's future. I would say that the longer you can keep her in therapy, the better off you're both going to be in the long run. Celebrate milestones, etc.

Super frustrating. Mine is also an alcoholic, so I have 2 things that I would need to try and resolve/assist. I would love updates here.

[kells76]

So - just want to celebrate a small victory of her willingly going into therapy.  Now I have a lot of nervous trepidation about what to expect as she is a master emotional manipulator and I am worried she will con the therapist.  However I know this could be a great breakthrough or terrible with marginal/no improvement after sinking thousands of dollars on weekly sessions.   Does it work long term?  What can I expect?

Hey Outdorenthusiast, that's good to hear -- a real step in a healthy direction.

I think it's wise to do as you're doing and recognize the positives and the possible negatives.

One approach for "what to expect" could be "hope for the best, plan for the worst". You of course hope it'll be helpful, positive, and healing, and at the same time you don't "put all your eggs in that basket" right away of "oh, now she has had one therapy session, so I will make a bunch of changes assuming it's easy from here".

Take it one day at a time. Recovery is a long process, so any individual day is just a snapshot, not the big picture. Some days might be "up" and look really good -- it's OK to temper your optimism (not extinguish it!) with balanced thoughts of "so grateful for one good day, and I know there is still hard work to do". Some days might be "down", and again, you can temper your pessimism with thoughts of "today seemed like back at square one, or worse. This is a process, there will be steps back before more steps forward".

Another, related approach, is to model appropriate emotional tone/responses. For example, a pwBPD often has intense, extreme emotions. If your W has a good day in T, she may feel like an 11/10, "I've got this, I don't need to go back, I'm all better". It may be tempting to match that 11/10, yet often things can go better if we match the general direction of emotions without the intensity. If we're all starting at 5/10, and she goes to 11/10, you can match tone/direction by being at a 7/10: "It must feel really good to have had a great session. Even though there's still hard work to do and there'll be some tough days, I'm proud of what you did today". This keeps you stable and reliable, and shows reasonable thinking, a long-term point of view, and a reflection of the valid parts of her feelings.

Really glad to hear the update from you. Keep us posted on how things go -- it's OK to tackle just one day at a time 

[kells76]

Oh, one more thought: our book review page has a couple of reviews of books about pwBPD going through intensive therapy. Give these a try -- they may provide insight into how a "successful" process looks:

Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder, by Rachel Reiland

and

The Buddha and the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder, by Kiera Van Gelder

Hope those help!

[CodaDad]

In Unrelated literature i read a quote “expectations are the source of all disappointment.” But this left a real impression on me because I so often find myself disappointed with my bpd partner. I would echo some other responses hear that you just hope for the best, be supportive— and if no one has already mentioned it be very mindful about not policing the BPD’s work. In the end it is ultimately their journey. I found out the hard way even when I help with good or accurate advice, my Bpd partner either resents me for stealing their thunder, or if they don’t implement the advice they blame me for it not working. But to respond more directly to your question, in the case of my partner I feel things got worse in ways after starting therapy— in the sense they might need to get worse (because they are having to learn difficult new skills ) before getting better. At least that’s what I tell myself to give my partner the benefit of the doubt!

[SaltyDawg]

So - just want to celebrate a small victory of her willingly going into therapy.  Now I have a lot of nervous trepidation about what to expect as she is a master emotional manipulator and I am worried she will con the therapist.  However I know this could be a great breakthrough or terrible with marginal/no improvement after sinking thousands of dollars on weekly sessions.   Does it work long term?  What can I expect?

Outdorenthusiast,

   That is good news.  Is this her idea, or is this yours?  It matters, if she is doing it for you, the likelihood is less that it will work.  However, if she knows that there isn't something quite right, and she is doing it to address that for herself, then there is a better chance of it working.

   Mine is doing it for herself, for her 'anger management' and refuses to believe that she has BPD, even though my individual T's, both of them, agree with my assessment, one is a bit of an expert, and she grilled me for better part of an hour asking a whole slew of questions, including ones designed to trip me up.

   So, her T agreed with my wife that she doesn't have BPD; however, whatever her T is doing, it is working, after I approached her T with my concerns, citing specific examples that I knew my wife was aware of in herself [rages, DV, comorbidities, 6 suicide attempts, being reported for DV, and certain other behaviors].  I also highlight any obvious borderline-like behaviors in couple's therapy that happened during the week.
 
   This week's session dealt with a borderline splitting incident that I had to describe as projection/transference of her behaviors on to me which appeared as gaslighting to me and I shared that "gaslighting is abuse, and abuse will not be tolerated" and rattled off the 7 examples that my wife attributed to me.  Reading the T's body language [shaking her head 'yes' and smiling] both times I said it, showed me non-verbal recognition even though she was siding with my wife and telling me no.  The holidays caused my wife to have two incidents/episodes - the gaslighting one, and one where she hit me with force, and I addressed that one too with the couple's therapist.

   I guess what I am trying to say, is this, that there will be progress; however, there will be setbacks as well.  You need to remember, they have been doing this all of their lives, and they need to unlearn their lifetime of bad behaviors, and relearn how to do good ones.  If they forget the good ones, or they become tired, or otherwise triggered, they will relapse.

   Also, you need to expect to make some concessions on your behaviors, usually token ones that are of concern to your partner.  The one I was demanded to do was presented to me was 'my abusive behavior,' [gaslight version] it was abuse, but it was reactive abuse to her abuse.  I readily agreed with that boundary, that she was setting up with the caveat, that it also applied to her too - I got a dirty glare, but she agreed in front of the Therapist - as she needs to prove that she is not the borderline.  She has also made me out to be the borderline - I don't care what she calls it as long as she can learn the skill to cope.  I knew I could easily do her demand, to me it was like flipping a lightswitch as it was reactive in nature for me, and if she stopped her abuse, mine wouldn't happen as it was reactive in nature [duh!].  I also had learned the DBT skill of 'radical acceptance' which helped too, so I am no longer angry at her when she has her episodes as I know it is her mind playing tricks on her, and she is not deliberately doing this; however, I will still hold her accountable for them.  Just like if an alcoholic has a car accident and kills someone and blacks out, even though they weren't fully aware of what they were doing.  The pathology is very similar to being an alcoholic, my first individual T shared that analogy with me.

   Another token request was that I wasn't allowed to use the words "BPD, borderline, rage, diagnosis, Personality Disorder, etc." when referring to borderline-like symptoms and traits.  So, the work-a-round is to use the definitions of the words I wanted to use.  So, for the recent borderline-splitting behavior, I labelled it as 'emotional dysregulation where she projected her behaviors on to me' -- the T then asked me if I was 'diagnosing' -- I told her 'maybe'.  The T got the message.

That's great news - I will be interested in following this story. I'm assuming DBT therapy?

I had this exact same conversation last night with my therapist, "hypothetically speaking" we managed to get "x" into therapy. Would that work..? Mind you I'm still in the phase of the breakup.. knowing that I need to just walk away/ but STRONG desires to "fix it". Hell as I type this message, I am battling a massive urge to reach out to mine. Not going to do it, but it's taking all my strength to do so (especially since I received a text from her last night)

My therapist teaches DBT, and she said that it "works", (and she used that term loosely) only for a bit. She said that as long as the person who is suffering from BPD continues the therapy program (openly and puts the work in), that they will show improvements. Obviously doesn't make it go away, but they can learn and apply tools to make better decisions.

Then the "but" came!

She said often times pwBPD (just like with any other addiction or mental disorder challenges in life) get to a place in their head that "they've got this" and or can do it on their own. The end up quitting the therapy and try to do it on their own. That's when there is an increased possibility that things are going to go sideways. So, it's really difficult to predict the outcome of your person's future. I would say that the longer you can keep her in therapy, the better off you're both going to be in the long run. Celebrate milestones, etc.

Super frustrating. Mine is also an alcoholic, so I have 2 things that I would need to try and resolve/assist. I would love updates here.

Fish,

Work on the alcoholic part first, it is easier for them to see those symptoms.  Also the 12-step program has many things that will help a borderline with their symptoms.  Borderlines, also respond better to T's that are somewhat stern with authority, much like the 12-step program is.  Do the 12-step recovery with them, as an emotional support, and to learn better coping mechanisms for yourself as well.

DBT while it is the current favored method, there are other forms of therapy that work too on a borderline - see my comments above.  The current couple's therapist, is not using DBT, and is somewhat effective.  I don't know what her individual therapist is using, but it too is not DBT; however, I think it may be CBT, but I am not sure, as I only attended one session to voice my BPD assessment observations on the obvious symptoms and traits that I knew my wife was aware of.

Both alcoholics and borderlines must hit their 'bottom' and that is a different point for each of them.  My borderline's bottom was not me presenting her symptoms [even though that helped], it is when my D15 became aware of the letter that I had written for my wife's T summarizing all of the bad behaviors.  My D15, called my uBPDw, a 'monster' at that time.  That is my pwBPD's bottom which made her realize that she needed to correct her behavior.

My D, when she was 12, was institutionalized for anorexia nervosa (AN), the reason given for the emotional trigger that was given was my father's death; however, the beginning stages of AN occurred at least 3 months prior to any issues with my dad.  AN is usually comorbid with something else, or another trigger.  My wife's behavior, if she did that to my D, when I was out to sea [I was a sailor by profession] would explain my D's AN much better, even though she was told it was not her, even though my wife blamed herself for it - how ironic is that?

There was an added benefit of my D finding out, her relationship with me has improved dramatically, as she now sees me as a person who knows the emotional turmoil my W is causing, and she feels it is safe to confide in me, knows the true reason why she is 'messed up'.  She used to view me as her jailer when I put her in hospital.  I am no longer her prosecutor, but I am now her rescuer in the drama triangle.  I feel that my D's relationship was previously destined for ND, it will be at least LC, hopefully more, only time will tell.

This therapy, has also helped my son's oppositional defiance tendencies, too.

-----

To summarize, for a borderline to get better two things must be present.

1.  They must be self-aware that they have issues, whether that is partially self-aware [my uBPDw] or fully-self aware.

AND

2.  If they are self-aware, they must also want to 'fix' themselves and do the necessary therapy for themselves.  Only they can fix themselves, you cannot fix them.

[Husband2014]

Can I ask you how did you convince her of going to therapy? 

[SaltyDawg]

H'14

  I prepared a letter, that I read to my wife aloud, in front of my wife's individual therapist highlighting everything that I knew my wife was aware of [tip of the iceberg, that she knew about].

1.  6 failed suicide attempts
2.  4 domestic violence episodes
3.  Cowering behavior by me
4.  Cowering behavior by D
5.  Cowering behavior by S
6.   Her [Mis]diagnosed comorbidities of Depression and Anxiety - this is very common for high-functioning borderlines, as they can convince the T they don't have it.
7.  D's parentification
8.  S's defiance issues

   Not much occurred; however, she did read Randi Kreger's book on BPD, along with the one that my individual T gave me - that described a borderline wife where half of the stuff applied to my wife.  She determined with her individual T, she did not have BPD [she's a manipulator].

   My D accidentally got a copy of this letter, and called my wife a 'monster' - and accused both of us of being in a toxic relationship - I verbally confirmed it, as did my W.  My D has been previously hospitalized for anorexia nervosa [usually comorbid with more severe mental health issues] and my wife freaked out she was going to put our D back into a mental institution again.

   My W, then apologized, for the first time ever for the above, and things have been getting better.  The emotional and physical mostly stopped [a few setbacks, especially around the holidays as that is triggering].

   Like an alcoholic, they need to 'hit the bottom' and realize that they need to do something about it.  Two things must be present:

1.  They are self-aware of the symptoms [ideally fully, but at least partially, as it is in my scenario]
AND
2.  They are willing to correct the issues with therapy.

   Good luck in finding this combination for your pwBPD.

[Outdorenthusiast]

Can I ask you how did you convince her of going to therapy?  

It was slow and step by step… messy, probably could have been done differently, but this is my situation….  As context my wife is high functioning and we have been married 25 years.

1) Started a pattern of sleeping in the guest bedroom off and on to “get better sleep” due to her sleeplessness/illness whatever excuse I could think of.  It gave me time to think by myself.

2) Gradually started doing it more and more. (The master bedroom is where I don’t feel comfortable because there is a lot of yelling that happens there so the kids don’t have to be involved.)

3) Was able to think with the physical separation.  Started individual therapy.  Started getting my mind straight, eating right, exercising, socializing again.  (The visual self improvement ilicited “affair” fears in her - which I had to dispel). Built back the confidence I had lost with her emotional abuse.  Learned about BPD and co-dependence (ok learned a lot…).  Worked on knocking off my co-dependent characteristics I had picked up because of the relationship (good news they can be fixed - how you developed, you can un-develop).

4) Went on a date, had her in a good mood.  It was tense as her fear of abandonment is always high and she has been sensing changes in me and us.  At some point in the car when I was quiet thinking about us, she asked “ what’s wrong” (They are very emotionally aware), my nerves were solid enough, I was confident enough, and I didn’t care anymore and I calmly explained I wasn’t happy, and how I don’t like how she treats me and how things have been going, and I feel she isn’t taking care of herself (gave some examples). Stayed away from explosive “always” and “you” statements.  It totally rocked her and she sat shaking and writing my feelings down on her phone.  I calmly explained what I didn’t like and shared examples that align as textbook examples of emotional abuse but did not say the word “abuse” as that is a trigger word she would deny.  I explained using examples of gaslighting, but did not use the word “gaslighting” as that is another trigger word.  I reaffirmed I didn’t want to leave or separate or anything like that, but something needed to change (careful not to trigger her abandonment fears).  I explained how her suicide attempts made me feel.  I said I felt anecdotally my wife had died, and I had lost her 8 years ago (she has been detached emotionally).  I love her, or the idea of her, but I feel she doesn’t exist anymore and hasn’t for a very long time.  (I had to go through painful grieving with my therapist after learning about BPD). I explained I know I can’t fix her issues - maybe she should talk with someone more qualified than me.  She quipped back - “It is your issues - you should see someone” to which I responded “I have been for 6 months” which also shocked her, and took the wind out of that argument. I also explained that our kids are afraid of her and her big emotions.  Which elicited a VERY negative response and I explained calmly, I could hide this fact from you, or you can hear it from me or them and think about it and the effect it is having on our kids.   Then came “you talk about me with her don’t you…” came into play.  I said yes - I need to talk with someone, and it is better her than one of our friends or family - right?  She agreed.  She said “why didn’t you tell me you were seeing a therapist?”  To which I responded “It is my issue, my feelings, and not yours, and transparently I don’t feel emotionally safe - I feel your emotional responses are to much for me to share my feelings openly without a significant negative consequence to me.  I can’t change you or your responses - I can only change myself.”  She asked “what do you want me to do?” I said - start trying to be kinder to yourself - realize that you are important.  Go to the Dr. and the dentist and get an annual checkup - it’s free, take a shower and brush your teeth regularly, wear clean clothes that don’t come from a pile on the floor, address the issues with someone more qualified than me that are making you feel bad and depressed/anxious. If it is me causing the issues - feel free to talk to them about me.”  We had a somber drive home and I went to sleep in the guest bedroom at the end of the date.  A day later she talked with my oldest s/16 who confirmed he sometimes gets afraid of her and her emotions.  (I had previously prepped him that it is okay to speak his truth, his feelings are important, and it is not okay for someone to emotionally treat him like that.). She was shocked and said she apologized to him.

5) Sleep all the time in the guest bedroom.  Was confronted - “why don’t you sleep in our bedroom anymore?” I responded  “I don’t feel emotionally safe”. If things change, maybe so will this. (Was confronted with fears of affairs etc. - used SET methodology to validate her fears of abandonment to redirect back to the truth of how I feel.  I also pointed at my wedding band and asked her what it meant and she burst into tears and acknowledged that it means I will never leave her.).  Reaffirmed - I am not going anywhere but things can’t continue as they have been.  I will be happy, but I can’t fix her - that is her choice and hers alone.

Two weeks later she went to the Dr. and had a checkup and adjusted meds.  6 weeks later she started therapy and realizes it was long overdue and is nervous but happy about it. (My mistake - should have had a list of therapists pre-qualified for her to choose, but it sounds like the therapist she selected is trained in CBT.  No DBT where I live unfortunately)

FYI we are still physical with each other to avoid abandonment fears, but I always excuse myself afterwards to the guest bedroom so the physical sleeping separation is a manifestation to her of how my heart feels right now.  Separation also mentally helps me with some of the PTSD as I can physically relax each night in the guest bedroom with good sleep (and melatonin!).

The key to me - having enough inner strength and education to express my truth and how I feel - in a loving way she could hear, using the newly minted BPD tools to manage the emotions, and the courage to manage the emotional consequences.  The first step truly was getting my own head straight and working on fixing my own issues.  Starting with why I felt so crappy and depressed and hopeless, and mad at myself for accepting the status quo situation and angry and frustrated with her on why she is the way she is.

Sorry for the long post - hope it helps.  May not be your path but it is mine for now.

[Notwendy]

It's good that you did this. Now, your challenge is to hold on to your boundaries. What you don't know is what is motivating your wife- is it her own intrinsic decision to work on herself, or is it to get things back to where you were- back in the bedroom and the old familiar patterns.

Because if the latter is the motivation, and you go back to how things were, the motivation will not be there anymore.

I get the sense that you are motivated to make your own personal changes for you. If this is the case, then you will continue to do so no matter what your wife does. If your motivation is to get her to therapy- then what you are doing is a means of control of her. That is going to be less effective than if you are doing it for yourself.

Change, real change, is slow and over the long run. What I have seen with my BPD mother is that she can pull it together when she's highly motivated but it's more of an instant "look I am good now, so we are OK?" rather than long term change. I can actually get her to do this if I really push back at her behavior, and that elicits her fears. Her "pulling together" and being super nice is externally motivated by her fears and wanting things to go back to the familiar pattern. This "super nice" behavior is not long lasting as it's not her being authentic either. I didn't discover this until well into adulthood as I was scared to have any boundaries with her. It didn't occur to me that this might scare her too. I certainly didn't have any intentions to do that. I aim for more of an emotionally calmer response to her, not enabling, but not emotionally reacting either- and still with holding a boundary if I feel it's important to do so.

The "push- pull" can go both ways. You can impact her behavior by pulling back and she will fall in step- but this is actually both of you playing this dynamic. To try to control someone else's behavior is dysfunctional too.

I think what you are hoping for is long term change, which will take some work on both your parts. I hope your wife stays with it and my guess is that also depends on you staying the course for your part- doing it for yourself.

[Husband2014]

Outdorenthusiast  - thank you for sharing this. I have actually been using this sleep elsewhere technique in the last month or so. Can’t say it has done wonders but it’s nice and peaceful at night.  I have to figure out how to muster the guts to tell her what you tell her and I think her reaction would be so severe my body goes in pain just thinking about it.

[Notwendy]

You have to decide if there's any benefit to it. It seems that Outdorenthusiast's wife is high functioning enough to understand. I have found that saying anything to my severely BPD mother is not effective. She can not process it. She usually dissociates and rages so much, it seems to not process in her memory. To her, she believes she is being attacked and goes into "fight back" mode.

Which actually comes down to this: why would we do this at all? It's because of hope that it will lead to improving the relationship. There's no other reason than that we care about the other person and want for things to get better. To my severely BPD mother, all she perceives is that we are trying to hurt her.

Due to her distorted thinking, she perceives herself as a victim. Unfortunately she isn't able to learn from these experiences and does not respond to explanations about her behavior.

I think though for most of us, we have to know we tried with the hope it might help. With BPD being on a spectrum, there might be some positive response for some.

[Outdorenthusiast]

Outdorenthusiast  - thank you for sharing this. I have actually been using this sleep elsewhere technique in the last month or so. Can’t say it has done wonders but it’s nice and peaceful at night.  I have to figure out how to muster the guts to tell her what you tell her and I think her reaction would be so severe my body goes in pain just thinking about it.

I feel you.  That conflict fear is real and scary.  The SET technique really works for me to shorten (not eliminate) that intensity.  The invisible bubble around me filled with happy thoughts helps protect me as the insults bounce off and I am warm and cozy and safe inside the bubble.  Grey rocking her assaults takes the steam out. 

The rest is 100% self confidence in who you are inside as a person and that nobody can change it.  That is where the mandatory self work comes into play.  I guess I had a moment like in the movie “office space” where I just didn’t care anymore about the reaction and I decided just like the main character to just stop filling out the TPS reports and do what I wanted to do, and be honest with my feelings.  It was hugely liberating to not walk on eggshells - but just be me and I feel like I got a promotion out of the deal too! - Hah!.  I am genuine, caring, but not responsible for her feelings or reactions.  I mentally had to be okay with “I don’t care how she reacts” - and that doesn’t make me a bad uncaring person, or a bad husband.

Now I am not perfect - sometimes I slip back into trying not to piss her off and I have to slap myself across the face to wake up.  Usually spending time with friends laughing reboots me and helps me refocus and not worry about trying to baby her emotions and please her.  I know my friends accept me for me and that gives me confidence to be my genuine self.  I am 13 months into this journey and it feels good.  Not perfect - but on the right path for me.

NW - I agree with your thoughts.  I am not doing this to manipulate, I am just doing what feels good for me.  If something changes, then maybe I will change.  How she manages her life is her choice.  I don’t know what she is thinking - probably a lot of what you say is true - she is thinking sprint, I am thinking marathon.  I guess we will see how things progress, and I can keep doing what feels right for me and my kids.

[Notwendy]

I don’t know what she is thinking - probably a lot of what you say is true - she is thinking sprint, I am thinking marathon.

Yes, change takes time- it's a marathon. Stay the course. If you do, she has a chance to adapt but she won't if you go back to the same dynamics.

[Husband2014]

Outdor- that’s very insightful and congratulations on finding that zone. Deep down I know exactly what it feels like but I have a 5.5 year old and a 18 months old and when she explodes the things she says in front of them are so severe and that’s why I’m nervous about unleashing my office space zone.  Probably limiting myself but that’s what goes through my head and I have to work through internally. Once again congratulations and thank you for sharing. Really helpful.

[thankful person]

Outdoor enthusiast, well done it certainly sounds like you handled that all really well. I like to read and learn from others on here.

Re: DBT therapy, my wife was diagnosed bpd before we met, outwardly manifesting as suicide attempts, self harm and an eating disorder. She would appear conventional bpd for this reason, but never admits any shame or taking the blame for anything so she is actually more unconventional bpd, and I believe narcissistic too in some ways.

My wife attended DBT therapy for some time just before and after we met. She did not complete the course. However she did manage to mostly beat the self-harm and eating disorder over the next few months. I am so curious about what she learnt at DBT. Her explanation is “mindfulness”. It doesn’t seem to me that they learn anything about how their disorder gives them a warped view of those closest to them. I understand denial of mental illness etc. and how you can’t mess with that. But these patients are people who are accepting of their disorder up to a point where they are willingly in therapy.

If I could run such a therapy session… I would explain to these people their likely delusions and how these manifest in their close relationships. I would talk about the fear of abandonment, how it can make them clingy and desperate, possibly attract the wrong kind of partner… and then how their partner would feel more and more controlled over time as their freedom was threatened and/or “removed”.. I would talk about the paranoia and delusions… what you heard or understood someone’s intentions are is also warped by the bpd perceptions. I would teach them to look at a situation more objectively and see how things are not always black and white… how if your partner says they love you, want to be with you, and believe they are making a great effort in the relationship… that person is unlikely to be lying.

I’m just dreaming I know. If I could hop back in time into my wife’s therapist’s shoes and say these things… would it change anything? Probably not. But I’m still curious whether any of this gets mentioned. Then again my wife always claims she forgot everything she learned in college even two years ago, so she probably wouldn’t remember anyway.

I have 1% hope that my wife would ever attend therapy again. I would never suggest it, except for our marital problems (though she is not interested in this option at all). I think she would only go back to DBT if her self harm/eating behaviours got critical again to the point of being hospitalised. And of course that’s the last thing we need to be going through right now.

I hope the therapy helps your wife and things improve for you.