“All or nothing” language

[wormslearntofly]

My mum has this habit of talking in absolutes and I was wondering if this was a BPD trait and if anyone else has any similar experiences.

She can often come out with very extreme, shocking statements about a situation like it’s nothing and then acts confused when people are shocked by it.

One recent example that has caused upset in my family is when she was talking to my half sister. My half sister has a complicated relationship with her father, and she has spoken to my mum about how she feels like she doesn’t matter to him. The other day when they were talking about him my mum told my sister that her dad never loved her.

Obviously, this was extremely upsetting for my sister to hear. She told mum that hearing that really hurt her and my mum acts confused and responds with “well, you practically say it all the time yourself!”

The thing is, what she said isn’t even true. A much more accurate statement my mum could have said is something like “he has trouble showing affection” or “he doesn’t know how to put other people before before himself”. But she went for the shock value and I’m not sure why she keeps doing this.

[kells76]

Hi wormslearntofly;

The first things I thought of when I read your post were "black-and-white thinking" and "splitting", and especially this quotation from our workshop on Splitting:

Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces a sense of psychological safety, in fact it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the borderline's life.

I wonder if that sounds like it fits?

Also curious to hear from you what you think about the workshop -- anything stand out to you, anything seem to shed some more light on your mum's behaviors?

-kells76

[Couscous]

Whether the comment your mother made was due to BPD or not, to me the lesson here is that seeking validation or emotional support from a mother like this is unwise. Your sister needs to find someone else to discuss her feelings about her father with — such as a friend or therapist. It’s best to stick to small talk with a BPD mother and avoid emotionally laden topics. Sharing feelings with a mother like this is like giving her bullets to shoot you with.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey wormslearntofly,

If you're wondering why. I can give you a personal example recently. So like, I cut 2 BPD friends out of my life, and realized my father has been heavily manipulating me, and has some serious issues, if not a personality disorder himself. After analyzing his abuse, I started to become suspicious that he may be poisoning the pets or something and that he's worse than he is. I was reading about NPD a lot, and demonizing my Dad, only viewing him through that prism.

I was being a victim, and bitterness and hatred were solidifying. Splitting started, where I would alternate between two views of him. I was miserable, and I'd start catastrophizing everything. Once the bitterness solidifies, you feel desperate for positive things, and assume the worst, because life is playing out so poorly, and you don't have trust. So the black and white thinking is from the misery, fear, suspicion, desperation, and the splitting.

They're like this because they're in a very primal state of being, where there are enemies and friends, a tribal way of thinking. It's like being in a war zone. Also, they just have low emotional intelligence, and kids tend to think like that, don't they?

[Couscous]

Further to my comment above, I came across this brilliant piece about the dangers of seeking validation from the wrong people. This bit really hit home for me:

This stepping on the same rake and repeatedly getting hurt and disappointed continues until the person accepts the perpetrator for who they are and becomes independent from them. This is the essence of repetition compulsion in this kind of situation. Seeking compassion and support from the wrong people is futile and self-destructive. It is incredibly important to realistically estimate these encounters and accept that, perhaps, we are looking for empathy and validation in the wrong places. Only then can we actually heal, reclaim our life, and thrive.

https://blog.selfarcheology.com/2021/02/validation-self-destructive.html

I can personally attest to the necessity of accepting our parents for who they really are, and emotionally detaching from them, because when I finally did that about three months ago it made a huge difference in my life. Learning how to give myself validation truly has made all the difference.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Totally agree Couscous, not to hijack this thread, but you have to see them for who they are, which is much less pretty than you saw them as, even though they seemed off maybe, or screwed up, when you really see them as they are, it's kind of heartbreaking, and much more disappointing than you could have imagined. Seeing through my Dad's manipulations was so eye opening. It's sad to accept you'll never get the parent you wanted, and you can't have a strong bond with them. Not unless some miracle happens and they work on themselves.