bpd wife

[slipez]

 :help:hi there my wife is very paranoid and very insercure and is constantly accusing me of things that are out of this world she is constantly kicking me out and i sleep rough in the car for sometimes upto 2 weeks she always goes to exstreme lenghts on me ie goinng to the police ,csa syaing she i cant hug you k,kiss you ,be with you . and i put paid to that what i done to her  she hates what ive done to her ! i dont rise to her and i think fine if you dont want me what can i do .

then next thing saying im aselfish man im a absolute arsehole  saying im really worried that i ve lost her and kids like asif she wanting me to beg her ! all i respond in tex is please i not arguing  and i dont wantr to argue

then all i get back is dont worry there wont be any arguing and that ive proved how much i care  !

ive begged and begged and begged  but ive now no longer going to beg when i ve done nothing wrong
  she  tries to make me jealous she goes into rages ive never seen b4 and some how she maniplutes people
im really at my wits end and noone to turn to or talk to

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Hi Slipez...

Welcome to the fam-jam of BPD family. That sounds pretty tough and confusing.

One thing for sure, you'll find some help here.

I'm going to hang around on your post here AND I'm going to invite someone who I think will be a really good part of this conversation.

In the meantime, share your thoughts.  Ask any questions or simply vent. No one here will judge you because we all have a story.

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

:help:hi there my wife is very paranoid and very insercure and is constantly accusing me of things that are out of this world she is constantly kicking me out and i sleep rough in the car for sometimes upto 2 weeks she always goes to exstreme lenghts on me ie goinng to the police ,csa syaing she i cant hug you k,kiss you ,be with you . and i put paid to that what i done to her  she hates what ive done to her ! i dont rise to her and i think fine if you dont want me what can i do .

then next thing saying im aselfish man im a absolute arsehole  saying im really worried that i ve lost her and kids like asif she wanting me to beg her ! all i respond in tex is please i not arguing  and i dont wantr to argue

then all i get back is dont worry there wont be any arguing and that ive proved how much i care  !

ive begged and begged and begged  but ive now no longer going to beg when i ve done nothing wrong
  she  tries to make me jealous she goes into rages ive never seen b4 and some how she maniplutes people
im really at my wits end and noone to turn to or talk to

Hello slipez, welcome to the fam.   Happy you found us, but sorry for the circumstances that have led to you having to seek us out.

With that out of the way...

I need you to first be kind to you. This is not your fault. However, something that has to change my friend...you are no one's doormat. You are giving her way too much power and control and losing yourself in the process.

Most importantly, you are responsible for your own happiness, how you feel, and your own behavior. Your wife is responsible for her own happiness, how she feels, and her own behavior. Do not fall prey to the mentality that it is your duty and responsibility to please her and make her happy...that is nonsense and categorically false.

You have to approach your situation with the mind set that it is better to be respected than to be liked. That doesn't mean you have to be an $$hole though. No, what it does mean though is that you have to get more comfortable setting boundaries and sticking to them. To help with that process practice the principles of being firm and indifferent.

When you are firm that means you when you say enough is enough...that means it is time to draw your line in the sand and if that boundary is violated you take your next steps accordingly. Do not make idle or veiled threats or ultimatums though. No, you must be willing to follow through with action.

Now this last part and it is definitely going to take you some time to adopt and adapt to it...outcome independence. What does this mean? Ultimately, you are only in control of YOU and how YOU respond. You let go of the notion that you can change your wife's behavior or that you have any control over what she does. You may have outcomes that you prefer with your wife, but what you need to do is let go of the emotion attached to any given outcome. In essence, practice being okay with everything whichever way it goes. All you can do is put yourself in positive positions to provide yourself with positive opportunities and let the universe handle the rest.

Now I have thrown a bit at you so I want to give you some time to digest it. If you have questions please feel free to fire away. I will be following along and paying attention.

In the meantime please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[slipez]

Hi there I don’t have anywhere to go and rent is really exspensive and all the bills ! Another argument as started because she told me on texes that someone had asked her if she was seeing someone making out blokes are after her yes she’s very attractive so I’ve just asked who it was she started to laugh and all I was doing was asking she just got up started shouting saying I’ll never change and it’s all my fault and she never thought she’d feel that way about me and she doesn’t give a flying PLEASE READ if house goes on market and that everything is my fault she lies and she gets away with it ! Does anyone else think  and know bpd lies and do they cheat because I’m really thinking that there’s more to this because I really feel as if she’s lost all interest in me but some how she’s clinging onto me it’s like push me pull me ! Then she’s saying I should be like I should do anything to make her happy I bloody took her on with 3 kids and we have a little 6 year old boy together who I feel I’m losing touch with I feel she uses me and I really am looking at how to get support ie housing I don’t know where to turn she plays mind games trying to make me paranoid when I’m actually fact she is I feel she projects herself onto me I feel she is not only bpd but bipolar and narcissistic and she is very aggressive  she tries to say I need to see someone and that I suffer with Aniexty and I know full well I don’t and no way is she trying to shift the blame on me and manipulate me can anyone she’d some light and exsperince on this ? I feel like she’s Always testing me she how far she can push me I’ve left loads of times when she goes crazy and I mean crazy kicking me out of house throwing my clothes out smashing x3 watches up I bought her bar smashed up and some how it’s all my fault and then she hates it if I go to pubs when she kicks me out I go there because where else do I go ? Then she somehow manages to reel me back in

[SinisterComplex]

Hi there I don’t have anywhere to go and rent is really exspensive and all the bills ! Another argument as started because she told me on texes that someone had asked her if she was seeing someone making out blokes are after her yes she’s very attractive so I’ve just asked who it was she started to laugh and all I was doing was asking she just got up started shouting saying I’ll never change and it’s all my fault and she never thought she’d feel that way about me and she doesn’t give a flying PLEASE READ if house goes on market and that everything is my fault she lies and she gets away with it ! Does anyone else think  and know bpd lies and do they cheat because I’m really thinking that there’s more to this because I really feel as if she’s lost all interest in me but some how she’s clinging onto me it’s like push me pull me ! Then she’s saying I should be like I should do anything to make her happy I bloody took her on with 3 kids and we have a little 6 year old boy together who I feel I’m losing touch with I feel she uses me and I really am looking at how to get support ie housing I don’t know where to turn she plays mind games trying to make me paranoid when I’m actually fact she is I feel she projects herself onto me I feel she is not only bpd but bipolar and narcissistic and she is very aggressive  she tries to say I need to see someone and that I suffer with Aniexty and I know full well I don’t and no way is she trying to shift the blame on me and manipulate me can anyone she’d some light and exsperince on this ? I feel like she’s Always testing me she how far she can push me I’ve left loads of times when she goes crazy and I mean crazy kicking me out of house throwing my clothes out smashing x3 watches up I bought her bar smashed up and some how it’s all my fault and then she hates it if I go to pubs when she kicks me out I go there because where else do I go ? Then she somehow manages to reel me back in

So there is projection going on, but that is where you have to stop reacting to her (remember firm and indifferent). What you are doing is being put on the defensive constantly and then you are emotionally reacting thus giving her the control and power. Trust me my friend I understand how hard it is and yes the pressure is intense, but you have to realize that you have the power and control. What is happening is that you are essentially being S tested constantly and right now you are playing into her game.

You have to stand up for yourself. In essence, what matters is how you feel and what you want to do. So instead of worrying about what she is doing and then reacting how about you focus on what you can do to improve your situation individually. You have to set an example for her to follow. Why? Well as you see as you explain your story letting her lead is not a good decision because it is just a giant clusterF and chaos.

Now one point I really want to focus on is that you are saying she reels you back in. My friend...you do not get reeled back in...you willingly go back into the fire because your emotions and head have been abused and violated. You have been conditioned to think and feel that this is what love is. We get it here okay...no judgment. Because of the torment you have endured you are subconsciously telling yourself this what you deserve and you are going along with it. Only when you make the decision that enough is enough will change take place.

Now something I want to caution you on...please be careful with throwing out disorders or trying to diagnose. Instead of thinking about any of that let's just focus on you and helping you okay?

Please continue to vent and share and know we are listening and paying attention and my friend this is a family here and we do have your back. Please be kind to you and truly take care of yourself...it is vital right now to remind yourself of this.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Rev]

Please continue to vent and share and know we are listening and paying attention and my friend this is a family here and we do have your back. Please be kind to you and truly take care of yourself...it is vital right now to remind yourself of this.

Hey there Slipez,

I have highlighted these words - 'cause for me they rang really true when Sinister Complex shared them with me. It was the first time that anybody that someone had shared them by using the word VITAL - like you breathing is VITAL. 

It took time for me to hear them, because I was in a lot of mental pain. These relationships are hard - they make upside down so you get to place where you have a hard time to know what to do next - where to turn. Does that sound familiar?

Hang in there. We do have your back. You're in good hands with SC.

Reach out any time.

Rev 

[slipez]

Hi there thanks for all your comments she was actually diagnosed with bpd but she is in denial and won’t have it to her everthing is my fault and I mean everything one min she hates me and saying she half the person she was  then today gets up gets undressed in en-suite showing of her you know what’s and she knows I look it’s like she loves the attention and I said more to life than a pair of and she didn’t like it because I didn’t give in she been messaging me today and because I don’t put xxx anymore she sarcastically puts back ok if I put ok she doesn’t like it because I showing her you not reeling me in that easy and she knows I’m like if you wanna go that’s fine which she doesn’t like coz she then says we’ll we all know it be fine don’t we you don’t give a PLEASE READ ! Well my motto is don’t tell that person you hate them or don’t love them or want to hug them or kiss them cos eventually it sits deep ! I’m looking for simler  people like myself who have been through this or still are I’m looking for some answer and all forums I see is there fear abandment and see it coming even b4 that person even knows and they always assume I also see they lie but it can’t been proven but I know she lies

[SinisterComplex]

Hey slipez, take a look at our library. I think you will find some very useful information and tools.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Additionally, I was more concerned with the idea of when you were mentioning bipolar and narcissistic. What specific behaviors would lead you think that? Not saying that she doesn't have any other comorbid disorder, but it is better to be careful and not assume.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-