My partner thinks I'm toxic, and I don't know why

[Depression = 72% of members]

Alright so maybe I'm panicking again, but I wanted to know what others think.

There has been many ups and downs in my relationship recently. And my partner's flatmates have been telling him that our relationship is toxic. The last time when he found out I informed his flatmates on him planning to commit suicide, he got very angry and broke a lot of things in their house. He told me that our relationship is toxic and his flatmates have emailed a consultation center, for people in domestic violence, from his phone, to get an appointment because he is in a very toxic/violent relationship and he wants to break up asap. (exactly the thing they wrote in the email, he showed me the email)

They answered today and they said they can have an appointment online. My partner answered them back to say he would like to have a consultation.

I'm hurt, and I'm scared. We've been together for 10 years, and I don't want to lose him because of his flatmates or BPD. I haven't talked to him about this yet, but I'm going to talk tonight. I don't know how it will goes, but I don't know what to do.

[Bella2798]

Alright so maybe I'm panicking again, but I wanted to know what others think.

There has been many ups and downs in my relationship recently. And my partner's flatmates have been telling him that our relationship is toxic. The last time when he found out I informed his flatmates on him planning to commit suicide, he got very angry and broke a lot of things in their house. He told me that our relationship is toxic and his flatmates have emailed a consultation center, for people in domestic violence, from his phone, to get an appointment because he is in a very toxic/violent relationship and he wants to break up asap. (exactly the thing they wrote in the email, he showed me the email)

They answered today and they said they can have an appointment online. My partner answered them back to say he would like to have a consultation.

I'm hurt, and I'm scared. We've been together for 10 years, and I don't want to lose him because of his flatmates or BPD. I haven't talked to him about this yet, but I'm going to talk tonight. I don't know how it will goes, but I don't know what to do.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bella2798]

Update: I got to talk to him now. And he said he wants to talk to them but he's not thinking of break up now, he just thinks it's good to have someone professional to talk about such stuff and it would be great if I could do the same too.

This is mature and I am even happy about this, maybe getting another opinion can help him see some problematic patterns and even helps him reach professional therapy. That's of course better than problematic flatmates.

But still, I have a bit of nervousness. For me, for him and for the relationship. I don't know how he might show our relationship to that person. I don't want to lose him too. And also I don't want him to be alone in such situation he is right now, he has no one to care for his mental situation in a new country, in a new life. It's a mixture of feelings for me.

[SinisterComplex]

So...your relationship is most likely toxic. Does that make "YOU" toxic...NO. It is important to understand and separate the two.

Ponder that for a bit and tell me what you think.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Bella2798]

So...your relationship is most likely toxic. Does that make "YOU" toxic...NO. It is important to understand and separate the two.

Ponder that for a bit and tell me what you think.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

I think that there are actually some dynamics in my relationship that are toxic, but that is something that I'm willing to work on, and I guess my partner (when his common senses are on, not the triggered part of him) is also willing to. He has anger issues by his BPD, and I also have kind of a relationship anxiety.
The thing that hurts me is that when he's in a devaluation phase, or he's triggered and his anger is pointed towards me, he shows me like the most toxic, violent, narcissistic person he's ever met.
I feel like this is the thing that scares me the most, I don't want that person encourage him to break up the whole relationship when we both can work on it. I definitely think we need a couple counselor. 

[SaltyDawg]

Bella,

   Thank you for the update.  I am glad that he is going to see a 'professional' in the matter.

   Even offer to speak to this professional if he allows it and the professional requests, give him pre-permission to answer in the positive.  [much better that his flatmates from your description]

   Encourage him to express his suicidal ideations to the professional first and foremost, and then proceed on addressing other issues including your relationship issues.

   The long distance, and the length of separation likely plays into this equation as well, something you may want to eventually remedy if both of you want this relationship to work.  I understand that you are a foreigner in Europe, so you are at a disadvantage from that vantage point as well.  It will take a lot of effort from you, and from him too to make this work.

   Good luck, take care, and do plenty of self-care.

[Bella2798]

Bella,

   Thank you for the update.  I am glad that he is going to see a 'professional' in the matter.

   Even offer to speak to this professional if he allows it and the professional requests, give him pre-permission to answer in the positive.  [much better that his flatmates from your description]

   Encourage him to express his suicidal ideations to the professional first and foremost, and then proceed on addressing other issues including your relationship issues.

   The long distance, and the length of separation likely plays into this equation as well, something you may want to eventually remedy if both of you want this relationship to work.  I understand that you are a foreigner in Europe, so you are at a disadvantage from that vantage point as well.  It will take a lot of effort from you, and from him too to make this work.

   Good luck, take care, and do plenty of self-care.

The good point is that the professional person speaks in our language, and the fact that the person is Iranian makes more empathy and this is a good thing.

I'm just worried that how this will affect our relationship. The person is from a center that does consultation for people in violent or toxic environments, relationships, academic places, etc. And the email was sent for "ending a very toxic relationship". I have a fear of how he explains the whole relationship and if they really advise him on breaking up, and also another fear that if they help him on other matters too, like him being suicidal which is much more important than our relationship.

I'm also planning to join him as soon as I can, I don't want it to be continued like this, because as you said being long distance damages the relationship of course.

[SaltyDawg]

The good point is that the professional person speaks in our language, and the fact that the person is Iranian makes more empathy and this is a good thing.

I'm just worried that how this will affect our relationship. The person is from a center that does consultation for people in violent or toxic environments, relationships, academic places, etc. And the email was sent for "ending a very toxic relationship". I have a fear of how he explains the whole relationship and if they really advise him on breaking up, and also another fear that if they help him on other matters too, like him being suicidal which is much more important than our relationship.

I'm also planning to join him as soon as I can, I don't want it to be continued like this, because as you said being long distance damages the relationship of course.

I am very encouraged by this news.  Just be supportive, don't criticize, don't make him defensive and don't stonewall him.

The bold text above is precisely the reason why I encouraged you by previously saying, "Even offer to speak to this professional if he allows it and the professional requests, give him pre-permission to answer in the positive." so you can talk to the professional and offer up your side and perspective to the situation.

When someone is suicidal, they are not in their 'right mind'.  That way you can speak to this Iranian professional in your native tongue, that way you can convey your exact thoughts without it getting 'lost in translation'.  A good professional should get both sides of the story before making an assessment, as most know that the truth is somewhere between two differing viewpoints.  Hopefully this professional will realize that the 'toxic relationship(s)' are his flatmates and not you based on what you have shared with us.

Do self-care, and take care.

[Bella2798]

I am very encouraged by this news.  Just be supportive, don't criticize, don't make him defensive and don't stonewall him.

The bold text above is precisely the reason why I encouraged you by previously saying, "Even offer to speak to this professional if he allows it and the professional requests, give him pre-permission to answer in the positive." so you can talk to the professional and offer up your side and perspective to the situation.

When someone is suicidal, they are not in their 'right mind'.  That way you can speak to this Iranian professional in your native tongue, that way you can convey your exact thoughts without it getting 'lost in translation'.  A good professional should get both sides of the story before making an assessment, as most know that the truth is somewhere between two differing viewpoints.  Hopefully this professional will realize that the 'toxic relationship(s)' are his flatmates and not you based on what you have shared with us.

Do self-care, and take care.

I just hope they are really professional for that assessment. :D
I try to encourage him to talk about his mental health problems too, and I try to talk to that professional in person. I'm not sure if it is right to talk to them without my partner knowing it, I don't also know if he agrees to it but I have to try my best!