Second-guessing myself... The "what if" questions

[keepitup]

Hi all,

After three years of actively reading, learning, and searching on BPD, my bpd bf and I finally broke up (it's been 2 weeks). He threatened me to become physically violent and that was my limit. He even said himself that he was doing domestic violence.
And there was already emotional abuse coming and going on since the beginning of our relationship, depending on his mood.

So rationnally, I know I could'nt stay anymore, and thank god I am safe where I am now.

But... I don't know if it is the result of trauma bonding, co-dependency, of all the things he told me I have to change in order to be "cope with him better" or because I have read so much on BPD throughout the years, but I keep wondering if I could have done things differently, what if I could have helped him more,  what if he was just a scared child inside that needed a  hug...

Nevertheless, I don't think having mental health problems justify the way he treated me (and I'm not starting on how he treated his daughter or his friends).

Do you ever feel that way? How do you cope with this feeling? Maybe time will help too...

[Morten]

Hi all,

After three years of actively reading, learning, and searching on BPD, my bpd bf and I finally broke up (it's been 2 weeks). He threatened me to become physically violent and that was my limit. He even said himself that he was doing domestic violence.
And there was already emotional abuse coming and going on since the beginning of our relationship, depending on his mood.

So rationnally, I know I could'nt stay anymore, and thank god I am safe where I am now.

But... I don't know if it is the result of trauma bonding, co-dependency, of all the things he told me I have to change in order to be "cope with him better" or because I have read so much on BPD throughout the years, but I keep wondering if I could have done things differently, what if I could have helped him more,  what if he was just a scared child inside that needed a  hug...

Nevertheless, I don't think having mental health problems justify the way he treated me (and I'm not starting on how he treated his daughter or his friends).

Do you ever feel that way? How do you cope with this feeling? Maybe time will help too...

I gave this a lot of tought after the breakup, and I came to the conclusion, that yes I could have done many things differently, but that I would eventually end up with the same result. So I stopped thinking about it, so to eliminate some of the thoughts running through my head.

[Gutt3rSnipe]

One thing I’ve learned from learning about the disorder is there’s nothing we can do to “fix” them. BPD is a very treatable disorder if the person suffering sticks with the treatment (ie Therapy). You should know that from all your studies though. Don’t blame yourself as you did nothing wrong but try to help and support him. However, He has to want to help himself, and the only way he can do that is via DBT therapy.

I’m actually shocked you managed to maintain a stable relationship with your ex boyfriend for as long as you did. I would’ve thought only breaking up once in three years with a pwBPD would be impossible. I was just the replacement for my bpd ex’s long term partner of five years. She slowly killed our relationship for reasons unknown to me and is now back with him again. I’m assuming I was just her new relationship to avoid the loneliness and emptiness people with this disorder feel being by themselves. While he was painted black at the time, I was her new man until I was eventually painted black and then she returned to him. I know the pain you must feel, especially since you’ve been together with him for as long as you have. I really hope he seeks help and you guys can possibly work things out.

[capecodling]

But... I don't know if it is the result of trauma bonding, co-dependency, of all the things he told me I have to change in order to be "cope with him better" or because I have read so much on BPD throughout the years, but I keep wondering if I could have done things differently, what if I could have helped him more,  what if he was just a scared child inside that needed a  hug...

Wow.  You just word-for-word described exactly the hardest part of the first few months when I went no contact with my exBPD.  I could see the scared little girl inside of her who just wanted someone to help her… but BUT she (and your ex too) are also like a wounded lion, if you get too close (because of your trauma bond) you are going to get attacked and badly injured by the wounded animal.   If you didn’t have the trauma bond and history with the person you would maybe, MAYBE be in a position to help, but once they have you bonded you have no more chess moves left unless that person has already been in treatment for a long time.  It is heart breaking to realize you have no moves left.  I spent a a few months shell shocked when I had to digest that truth.

[Couscous]

what if he was just a scared child inside that needed a  hug..

Sure, there is part of him that is a scared child looking for a mommy, but he also has an “adult” part who needs to step up and begin taking responsibility for himself. He cam only do that when the people in his life refrain from assuming responsibility for him. Essentially, what you were doing was enabling him to abdicate personal responsibility by overfunctioning for him.

[keepitup]

Thank you for your replies!

@Morten : Indeed, I tried my best, it did not end up as I would have wanted. Looking back, I think having handled things differently (ex: setting better boundaries, standing up for myself) would have probably just ended our relationship earlier. At least, that's what made it come to an end. I realized I did not want to live this anymore... and even though this breakup hurts me a lot, I feel it is still less painful than the constant fear and suffering from his actions I was living in when I was with him.

@Gutt3rSnipe, capecodling and couscous : Yes, he needs to work on himself to take responsability for his actions and he needs therapy. Although he is very well aware he has BPD (he has been diagnosed 10 years ago, way before I met him) and he knows what his symptoms are, when I left, he had no intention to get any kind of therapy nor to work on himself. He thought his misery was other people's fault. Employers' faults he could not keep a job, his friends' fault he would ignore them and be mad at them, my fault he would say mean things to me. Thus, I have very little hope he changes in the future. Even if I had been the best partner possible, would it have been enough? I don't know and I never will... but it won't stop me anymore from having a life of my own.

[capecodling]

Even if I had been the best partner possible, would it have been enough? I don't know and I never will...

My experience with borderlines is that you can’t be the best possible version of yourself and best possible partner because they wear you down and take, take, take and you end up being more like the worst version of yourself.   At least that has been my experience, whereas healthy partners helped support me in being the best version of myself.   There’s such a night-and-day difference.

[Morten]

Thank you for your replies!

@Morten : Indeed, I tried my best, it did not end up as I would have wanted. Looking back, I think having handled things differently (ex: setting better boundaries, standing up for myself) would have probably just ended our relationship earlier. At least, that's what made it come to an end. I realized I did not want to live this anymore... and even though this breakup hurts me a lot, I feel it is still less painful than the constant fear and suffering from his actions I was living in when I was with him.

@Gutt3rSnipe, capecodling and couscous : Yes, he needs to work on himself to take responsability for his actions and he needs therapy. Although he is very well aware he has BPD (he has been diagnosed 10 years ago, way before I met him) and he knows what his symptoms are, when I left, he had no intention to get any kind of therapy nor to work on himself. He thought his misery was other people's fault. Employers' faults he could not keep a job, his friends' fault he would ignore them and be mad at them, my fault he would say mean things to me. Thus, I have very little hope he changes in the future. Even if I had been the best partner possible, would it have been enough? I don't know and I never will... but it won't stop me anymore from having a life of my own.

It is painful, but staying is worse. At the moment I worry a lot about her, and especially her son, and feel this urge to tell someone about her condition. This hurts me, but not as much as trying to make things work with her. I was with her for 4 years, so getting discarded like I did, was so incredibly painful, and I dont want to go through something like that again, nor do I want to live in a relationship like that again, so I stay silent and away from her. I dont blame myself for anything. I did some things wrong, we all do that in relationships, but eventually it wouldnt even matter had I been perfect, because she would still react this way in the end.

[Couscous]

He thought his misery was other people's fault. Employers' faults he could not keep a job, his friends' fault he would ignore them and be mad at them, my fault he would say mean things to me.

In other words, he avoids taking personal responsibility for everything so that he can play the victim. It’s highly unlikely he will ever be able to accept that he is his own worst enemy.

[Pook075]

Hi all,

After three years of actively reading, learning, and searching on BPD, my bpd bf and I finally broke up (it's been 2 weeks). He threatened me to become physically violent and that was my limit. He even said himself that he was doing domestic violence.
And there was already emotional abuse coming and going on since the beginning of our relationship, depending on his mood.

So rationnally, I know I could'nt stay anymore, and thank god I am safe where I am now.

But... I don't know if it is the result of trauma bonding, co-dependency, of all the things he told me I have to change in order to be "cope with him better" or because I have read so much on BPD throughout the years, but I keep wondering if I could have done things differently, what if I could have helped him more,  what if he was just a scared child inside that needed a  hug...

Nevertheless, I don't think having mental health problems justify the way he treated me (and I'm not starting on how he treated his daughter or his friends).

Do you ever feel that way? How do you cope with this feeling? Maybe time will help too...

I've been separated for seven months and I still think about my BPD wife every now and then, hoping she'll reach out or want to spend some time together.  Yet I also know that she's split on me, painted me black, and was only there for me maybe 25% of the time throughout our marriage.  Getting back together would mean I'd feel alone about 75% of the time like I have for the last decade- who the heck would ever want that?

Yet every now and then, those feelings still pop up and I have no idea why.

I have realized that the "what if" game is futile.  The only one that really counts is "what if my pwBPD got diagnosed and took therapy seriously a decade ago?  Or 20 years ago?"  Even then, it requires her acceptance of the diagnosis and putting in actual work to change.  In other words, it's not a 'me thing', only she can make positive life changes for her mental health.

I'm sure you made mistakes and there were interactions that you should have handled differently.  We can all say that and accept that.  None of us are perfect.  But at the same time, a marriage requires working together, patience, forgiveness, etc...that's a healthy relationship.  That's the key- relationships take work from two people.  No matter how hard you try, you're just one person and can't change anyone else.

[keepitup]

Thank you for your replies!

Sharing this with you and reading about your experiences, I get that indeed, as @Morten said, things would have ended up kind of the same way... maybe the suffering would have gone on and on, but I don't think that things would have gotten better.

Had my ex bpd bf been trying earnestly to get better (ex: get therapy, do self-work), I think I would have stayed, because I would have feeled that I was not the only one to put all the efforts. But as @Pook075 mentionned, it takes two to make a relationship work.

So, yes, I think I have my answer and that it does not really matter about the "what if" mind game, because in all honesty, I did the best I could at the time, with good will... but I was working alone, so my efforts were in vain in the long run. And I don't think that surviving day by day being psychologically and emotionnally abused was the life I wanted. 

I have yet to grieve and accept that my ex bpd bf had been abusive towards me, but that is another process of learning about the red flags so I don't get in the same type of relationship in the future. I'll definitely not excuse again any abusive behavior done towards me because of bpd or any other kind of disorder.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you for your replies!

Sharing this with you and reading about your experiences, I get that indeed, as @Morten said, things would have ended up kind of the same way... maybe the suffering would have gone on and on, but I don't think that things would have gotten better.

Had my ex bpd bf been trying earnestly to get better (ex: get therapy, do self-work), I think I would have stayed, because I would have feeled that I was not the only one to put all the efforts. But as @Pook075 mentionned, it takes two to make a relationship work.

So, yes, I think I have my answer and that it does not really matter about the "what if" mind game, because in all honesty, I did the best I could at the time, with good will... but I was working alone, so my efforts were in vain in the long run. And I don't think that surviving day by day being psychologically and emotionnally abused was the life I wanted. 

I have yet to grieve and accept that my ex bpd bf had been abusive towards me, but that is another process of learning about the red flags so I don't get in the same type of relationship in the future. I'll definitely not excuse again any abusive behavior done towards me because of bpd or any other kind of disorder.

Hey Keepitup...be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. I say this to everyone, but these are not hollow words. No, these are things we take for granted. Repeat these things to you...you never have to apologize for being YOU and you never have to feel you owe anyone anything...period!

As I have said to many members through my years here...Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-