First time, totally new to this

[Poobie]

Hello there. I'm new here. My wife has BP. I've been reading the essential family guide to BPD and it mentioned this forum several times. Family members have encouraged me to Rea h out here.

I love my wife. She's a great mother and nurse, on all accounts she is an excellent woman, however this BP thing seems to have exploded and only towards me since we got married. I don't feel hopeless but I realize I'm alone on my side. She's in therapy, went to treatment but I am just beginning to accept this even exists.

Were not living together right now and I'm not sure what to do about that, I do want to do the work and give it the full effort. I do believe, and there is evidence in her life to support that she will do the work and better herself.

So, here I am. I want to help and could use help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hello Poobie, welcome to the group -- we're glad you decided to reach out for some help.

It's good to hear that you have some encouraging family members. Support is crucial when there's a pwBPD (person with BPD) in our lives, and it can include family, friends, peer support groups (like this one), therapists, counselors, clergy... so important.

In order to learn a little more about your specific situation, can I ask how long you have been married? And do you have any kids; if so, how old are they, and how are they doing?

It's also good to hear that your W is in therapy. What kind of therapy is she doing, and does she seem pretty compliant with it?

In terms of not living together right now -- that probably didn't happen overnight, I'm guessing. What's the backstory there? Am I hearing you right that you would like that to change?

Like you're saying, because she's in therapy right now, that's a good sign that there is some hope. Keep reading and posting here; the "nice" thing about this site is that there are tools and skills we can learn and apply, not always intuitive, that are under our control and can help make the situation "less worse" and not escalated.

Looking forward to learning more about your story;

kells76

[Poobie]

Hello there and thank you for your reply! Really, it means more than you might think.

We have been together for 6 years and married for a year of that. She has a son that calls me dad - he's awesome, a teen about to graduate high school. I was in the process of adopting him when the relationship became unstable so I put that on hold. I didn't want him to feel he had to choose between me or his mother if we weren't staying together. I also have a son from a previous relationship whom I am close to though he isn't in the immediate picture (he lives out of town).

Yes my W is in therapy, CBT I believe, shes going though a workbook that seems to be helpful, and I know shes attending some classes or something from her treatment center. She went though a treatment center about 4 months ago.  I think shes doing alot, as in her days off are pretty full with therapy, classes, homework and stuff. I try to stay out of it so she can have her own safe space for all of that without me making alot of inquries or looking over her shoulder.

We are also both sober and have a big support group for that. We have both been sober for 8 years. Yeah, she's compliant, I believe she's motivated and applying herself a lot on her days off. We also are in marriage counseling and that feels helpful for us both.

Not living together - kind of did happen overnight! She got very upset with me over some granola and a clipboard that I returned to her and when I responded to her indifferently she blew up. Threw her wedding ring at me and I put it in my pocket, and then she went into a rage. She ended up calling the police because she wanted the ring back. I wasn't in a rage however I know I participated in the drama. Anyways, I left to stay with my mother for a few nights and that was 3 moths ago and Im hesitant to go back. I guess my biggest concern is that if things escalate in the rage department, it could burn the bridge in our marriage, may lead to some domestic violence, she's raised her fist to me before and I know how it will play out, Ill get blamed for all of it and I don't want any part of that. So, I thought I would keep a safe distance but continue to learn about this and marriage counseling and all of that, I suppose I am just fearful about returning to the house and then really loosing everything.

She assures me its safe to come home and that my staying away is really triggering her abandonment fears, she's doing well to be respectful and see my side, I think were both just getting impatient and want to make a decision for some resolve on the housing situation. As I learn more about this I get a sense that I can see her differently and hopefully not engage or escalate the episodes. I don't know if Im using all the right terminology.

She's had a troubled past but she is so incredibly wonderful when it comes to looking at herself and her willingness to work on herself. It was the single most redeeming quality that captured my heart... but this all seems so messy, she doesn't even know right form wrong sometimes and everything feels so upside-down for me that I cant tell if I am even seeing things correctly. She's worth the effort and it hurts so badly to learn about what's going on in her mind and how cornered she must feel all the time. I just didn't know.

Hey - thank you so much for asking. I don't think I was expecting anyone to inquire so it really means a lot to me that you did! My world feels a little more spacious and hopeful knowing someone is out there and care to hear about this!

[Pook075]

I don't think I was expecting anyone to inquire so it really means a lot to me that you did! My world feels a little more spacious and hopeful knowing someone is out there and care to hear about this!

Hey Poobie, welcome to the forums!  So many here can relate to your story and I'm very sorry that you're going through this.  Your story is actually pretty unique since you're the one that left and your wife is taking therapy seriously.  

Although I'm sure that you're hurting right now, there's a lot of encouragement in your story.  Therapy takes time and considerable effort, so you're correct in not expecting huge changes overnight.  It also sounds like you guys are communicating and talking out your feelings, which is a huge plus.  That means the trust is still there.  You also have a good bit of work to put in as well, not only on yourself personally, but learning how to better communicate with your spouse.  Read through all the help sections on this site (the top toolbar) and don't hesitate to ask questions.  Nobody is going to judge you here because we understand what you're going through. 

All of us ended up here at some point looking for answers, and now we're happy to provide answers for others in the community.  Every instance is different for each of us, but there's a recurring theme as well.  It's like a family here, a support group, and everyone can understand the pain and the frustration you're feeling.  We've been there, or we are there right now, and having others that actually understand BPD is invaluable.

Keep your head up my friend and again, don't hesitate to ask questions.  The more specific you are, the more others can help.  Good luck!

[SaltyDawg]

Poobie,

   Thank you for sharing your story.  You are not alone.  It sounds like your wife is doing all of the right things, self-aware, and is doing intensive therapy to address these issues.

   I have never recommended this before; however, based on what you have said, and if you really love her, and are willing to do work on yourself as well, consider moving back in -- but do it with a firm game plan in mind, and perhaps, ease into it with a PHP [partial hospitalization protocol] type mentality, you move in for a few hours per day for a few weeks, then move to the whole day also for several weeks, but go back to your mom's at night, to see how the reconnection goes, and if it is not to your liking you will leave, let her know this, so she will be on best behavior.

   Before you move back in you need to set firm boundaries on her behaviors.  Let her set boundaries on yours too [to me they are tokens so she feels empowered, as the caretaker usually doesn't cross boundaries, unless they are reactive in nature].  If you are not in your own individual therapy, get your own therapy too, as you need to process this before you do it.

   Boundary example:  If she rages at you, you will immediately move out back with your mother.  She needs to know ahead of time of the consequences and you must be willing to follow through on them without fail.  Give them an inch, and it will take at least two weeks to restore.

   Please verify the type of therapy she is in, while CBT will work, DBT is considered to be better, and ideally use a combination of both.  You may want to get the same book, and see what she is doing.

   There are many books on the topic; however, my favorite one [it is also the most stern one too] is “Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life” by Margalis Fjelstad

    Getting back together will not be easy, there will be setbacks. 

    You also need to be able to do the DBT skill of 'radical acceptance'.  Suggested reading while waiting for the aforementioned book is 1.06 [and most of the other topics too] at https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0.

   My version of radical acceptance is to pre-forgive, in essence, I know the reality of my situation is that my wife will eventually transgress against me in the form of gas lighting or other emotional abuse when she is splitting me black. Since I know this to be a fact [based on historical patterns], I know this is going to happen again, as long as I know that she is not deliberately doing this, and I see that she is being triggered by external forces; therefore, I have already forgiven her for what she does not know that she is about to do. That's what makes it radical.

   Part of radical acceptance is "Once individuals can accept reality [and forgive] while simultaneously not approving of it is when change can be made" and I have added forgiving her in the accepted part of reality, even though I do not approve of her actions and will state as much when it is happening to me.

   In essence I have mentally compartmentalized my wife's bad behavior as being attributable to her mental state of mind, and she is 'not guilty by reason of insanity' literally, and that is how I treat it when she splits me black.

   I am not going to sugar coat it, if and when you get back together with your wife, it is going to be tough, it is going to take continuous work, there will be setbacks, when both are willing to work at it with DBT skills, BPD can be put in to remission 98% of the time with a supportive spouse, that drops to about 60% if you aren't in the picture.

   Please don't jump back in immediately.  However, do your homework [I am over a thousand hours and have lost count] and learn what you are going to be doing, it is at least a full-time effort 24/7, read the 'caretaking' book at a bare minimum, and then proceed with  .

   Drill down on my 'SaltyDawg' and look at my previous posts about my story.  I am a 'codependent' and can't bring myself to leave.

   Have any questions, please feel free to ask.

   I will wrap this up, with my number one piece of advice, and that is to do 'self-care' - make sure it includes individual therapy, exercise outdoors [as simple as a walk], among other activities that you enjoy doing to recharge your spirit.

   Hope and pray for the best, but also plan for the worst.

   Take care, and good luck.

[Poobie]

Thank you so much for this thoughtful and detailed response. I will take you up on every bit of advice you've got. Im desperate for some direction and you have provided it - thank you so much!