Hi Ark, glad you reached out
I want to join with tina7868 & Chief Drizzt in welcoming you to the group. Your question makes sense -- how do you navigate these plans when your partner is dealing with BPD:
Hi everyone, I suppose I'm looking for comfort right now, my partner had a split on me the other day where I became the worst person and doesn't want to be with me. Whenever this happens I give him space for a couple of days, then I reach out to him and reassure him everythings okay, we can get through this and just work to be normal again. I told him I would leave him alone until Friday morning, Im going to reach out to him tomorrow and I want to work on getting things back to normal with him but I don't know what to say this time. I know it sounds silly but everything I normally say works but I'm just always in the back of my head thinking what if he doesn't want to sort things out. I love him dearly. We were supposed to see each other this weekend and had plans but when he split he said he didn't want to do those plans, it really hurt my feelings because I haven't seen him in two weeks due to work/family commitments and I miss him so much. Do i ask him if he's changed his mind or do I just leave the ball in his court? I really want to see him and really want to sort things out as when he's had a split we reconnect so much better after seeing each other whereas if we have to wait then it takes longer and its a bit rockier. Please give me some suggestions guys I just want everything to be ok. also please keep me in your prayers and manifestations
One thing to think about is that we can't control what other people do -- I know you know that! That idea gets brought into stark relief when we're dealing with a pwBPD.
In a normal range relationship, we could expect a content-focused text back. For example, you might text on Friday (sticking to your word) something like "Hey, I really miss you, do you want to do the thing tomorrow?" A broadly normal person might text back "Hey, sorry about everything, IDK, I'm still feeling weird so I'm gonna take a break from the plans, but I'll text you Sunday morning." That text responds to the question more or less straightforwardly.
A pwBPD is pretty driven by their deep emotional needs and sometimes harmfully intense and wildly varying emotions. So, if you texted something like "Hey, I really miss you, do you want to do the thing tomorrow?", a pwBPD might come back with: "I can't believe how hurtful you are, I'm shocked at the way you treat me, don't text me again" and then also, on Saturday, text "Why didn't you pick me up for the plans? You always put yourself first, you never think of me". Neither text really problem-solves, both are very focused on the pwBPD's emotions in the moment. Of course, those are just examples, to illustrate the following idea:
when we are involved with a pwBPD, it can be very helpful to have a strong sense of ourself. -- what we do or don't want to do, personally, plus the strength to do it (or not do it) regardless of what anyone else does.
It is also helpful to communicate in a way that isn't dependent on the pwBPD's agreement, or timeliness, etc, if we need to make a decision by a certain time.
So, putting those ideas together, one way to respond might be:
"Hey, just checking in with you today like we talked about. I'd still love it if you came and did the thing this weekend; I also respect if you choose not to. Let me know by 9pm tonight if you want a ride; otherwise, I'll be heading out tomorrow at 8am and will text you when I'm back at 8pm. Love, Ark"
This frees you to do the thing no matter whether your partner chooses to go or not. It also communicates what's true -- you would love it if he went along, yet you don't have control over that, and you would respect him either way. It tells him that you aren't leaving (abandoning) forever.
The key part is if you have the inner strength to do what you would like to do, no matter how he's doing. As he is struggling with BPD, his moods, desires, emotions, plans, etc, may change rapidly and dramatically. "Hitching up to his wagon" would mean you getting pulled around by his quickly changing emotions. A different approach is to calmly have the inner strength to be the emotional leader and invite him to follow/participate with you. It's not necessarily intuitive nor does it happen overnight, but it's a change that a lot of members here have tried, so you can think about if you want to as well.
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It really does hurt when we'd like to share positive times with a partner, who engages in BPD type behaviors. Like Chief Drizzt says, you can keep trying to connect, and there are ways to do that that preserve your sense of self. In fact, you can let the texts just be about the weekend plans, and once he responds, that can let you know if he's in a place emotionally that he could try to work things out or not. Some couples do well working through relational stuff over texts, others don't -- it depends on you both as individuals. My H and I (he does not have BPD, though his kids' mom does) do well with "heavy" stuff over email, as it gives us time to think about our words. You may do better talking personally, it just depends. You can know that you don't have to fix everything in this text conversation -- it's OK to take your time and plan a better situation for talking about the relationship.
Hope that's helpful food for thought, and I also look forward to hearing your thoughts on tina7868's questions;
kells76
