I was flawed with how I dealt with my Dad today, it felt good

[NarcsEverywhere]

It felt good, but it might be unproductive. But it's too exhausting trying to walk on eggshells to work with my Dad. I've tried the patient way, the constructive way, the give him space way, this way, that way, and he always falls back into his stuff. I told him that I'm not gonna keep trying with him, right now, and explained how he's got Narcissistic traits and how I understand it, so he's not gonna get stuff past me. He has, but it's short lived. I got fed up this morning, because I realized he gaslit me, and my confidence was shaken for a day or two, and I wasted so much energy being all disordered and overly doubtful, and besides the pressure has been getting to me. He also did some other stuff, and I tried to work with him, and I got burned there too.

I can't help but feel contempt for how he is, the thoughts that come to mind are these:

Who do you admire? The vultures and hyenas, that prey on the sick, and young? The the tricksters, the politicians, who gaslight and fool their prey? The bullies, that target the weak? Do you admire the murders, the most, because they have no regard at all? Is your sadistic glee satisfying? Do you feel the power run through your veins? And all the selfishness that it entails to get so much satisfaction from throwing a wrench in things, and causing so much harm?

I just feel so disgusted with his behavior, I've really tried to be understanding, but it's exhausting working with him in a constructive way.

The irony is that I went on a rant, and I felt contempt for him, and by doing so I disregarded him, even though my wording was just honest, direct and to the point. It felt like I was punishing him, and talking at him, so I suppose, the very things I judge him for, I feel for him, but at the same time, it's hard to be understanding, when degrees and context matter so much.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I actually feel like this was a really important experience for me, because it proved to me that my Dad wouldn't kill me, or something if I actually felt angry towards him and was rude, because the trauma causes me to question all sorts of things. It also helped me realize my own self-righteousness, perfectionism and obsession with seriousness, when things get hard, it sucks all the energy out of the room and puts SO much pressure on me, that it kills me. It also is linked with my codependency, I don't want to fail others, and guilt trip myself into being perfect, want to over please others to feel worthwhile.

This isn't ALL my fault though, dealing with my Dad's abuse causes me to feel fear and low self esteem that interacts with the codependency, and leads to this result. I know how to have fun, and laugh at myself, when stuff goes to my head, but lately, I haven't been doing it, I've mostly been all business, and it kills me. I'm gonna work on lightening up, and not taking myself or my issue with the pets so seriously. It's going to take time to work on this, and I'm not gonna rush it, because it's honestly okay to have some ego, self esteem issues, a serious side, and to try hard sometimes.

These have actually been both strengths and weaknesses, because it allows me to perform when necessary, but in the end, it feels not worth it, when I kill myself too hard for stuff. Anyways, gonna keep trying to live moderately, and be less codependent.

[cranmango]

Hi NE—something I’ve noticed across a few of your posts is that the daily interactions with your dad seem to feel high stakes in terms of their emotional impact. I’m wondering what might help to create some emotional distance?

Distance might help to make each individual interaction with your dad feel less fraught. It might help you feel more solid, notice bigger patterns, and set longer-term goals that are helpful for you.

I think I said this in another post—the solution for me was to go LC with my dad. When we are together we trigger each other too much for it to be healthy. Distance and controlled contact helps me stay solid and reduces my dad’s impact on my daily well-being.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey cranmango,

Yeah, I live with him and there's no sane way to change our living situation right away, but I am not talking to him now, more than a very tiny bit, because it was bad for my mental health to do so. I've given up for now. I told him my patience and effort aren't unlimited, and he kept calling my bluff and doing almost nothing but manipulating, so I told him I'm fed up and pulled back on our shared dinners, and gave up on even trying to talk to him throughout the day. I have so much that's neglected from trying to work on that, and he's not worth the effort, to be honest.

Thanks for the response.