bpdMother in law and fake expressions of love

[just love]

Hello, I've been reading the posts on this site and cheering for you all for years. Your wisdom and kindness for each other is very moving.

My mother has bpd, father npd and the same is true for my husbands parents.
I am estranged from my foo for over 12 years. I see my husbands family and although I believed them to be loving when I first met them I am now aware of how sick and cruel they are...they are much healthier than my foo.
So I have a weird problem with my bpd mother in law.

So my mother in law makes a big deal of giving crap presents, huge hugs when we see her and multiple declarations of love for me. She has been very jealous of me and my 25 year marriage with my husband. She has done numerous things to hurt me and cause problems in my marriage. Unfortunately (for her) I am usually able to grey rock everything.
A few years ago she did something that woke my husband up.

She worked for 6 months on a huge family scrapbook for my
daughter. She asked me many times for ideas about how to make it special for my daughter.  Everyone was labelled, there were multiple pictures of each family member, their pets, and homes etc.
Christmas came and she made a big announcement to the family and presented it to my daughter.The whole family gathered around to watch my daughter open the gift. My daughters face fell a few pages in and she whispered to me ( Mom you aren't in it).
Minor drama ensued as my husband yelled at her..she played the victim. I said nothing.

So years have passed and she is still the same and although I try to avoid her I still see her on occasion. I do this for my husband and daughter. They want me there, and I want to be there for them. They also understand when I can't be around her.

I want to be as authentic as possible with her. I manage to hug her and she expects it... but telling her "I love you" almost makes me sick. I don't want to hurt her at all...how do I avoid this. She says it multiple times a day..I have responded by saying.."that's sweet of you to say..or Thank you". I know that won't work for long.

Any advice or ideas would be appreciated. Sending love to all that reads this. Thank you for being my safe place all these years

[Notwendy]

Although the scrapbook your MIL made was hurtful, leaving your picture out is pathetic on her part.

On occasion, my BPD mother will fake act loving to me. It feels weird as I know it's fake. I can't tell mine I love her either. I do love her in the universal way- like a spiritual kind of thing but she's not shown much motherly affection to me and so that kind of bond is different.  She rarely says "I love you" but the few times she does, it's so fake I don't know how to respond.

My MIL does not have BPD. She's stoic. He expression of love is though action, like cooking a meal for her family and she does treat me with love, but If she ever said "I love you" to me, it would be so out of character for her, I'd find it weird too.

I think you should be authentic and not say something you don't mean. I feel I should say "I love you" to my mother but it feels fake and I think it's sad that neither of us can say it authentically. However, I do feel it is authentic to show I care in other ways- I send flowers for holidays and birthdays, I have sent her other things. I've done that for my MIL too. For your MIL, I don't know if you can even do that but still being authentic is better.

[just love]

Ty Notwendy, I am trying to be fully accepting of who she is. I imagine I am talking to a 5 year old when I am around her. I know it's very easy to be angry with her. I am trying to accept her for whom she is..a child who cannot accept responsibility for herself. Nonetheless I am sorry we have to continue to find alternative ways to be true to ourselves with an impossible situation.

[Methuen]

We get it here.

I've wrestled with this too.  It's kind of a sick feeling we get, and it's because we're being obligated to say something that isn't real. Also, it's just another form of their need to control. Somehow, they make us feel obligated to to say "I love you too".  How uncomfortable would we feel if someone we either knew or didn't know made us feel obligated to say that? 

It feels yucky when they do this to us.

So my strategy is, when we're getting close to leaving, I make my way to the door first, and since my mother is 87 and slow, she's at the back of the lineup.  As the good bye's are happening at the door, the grandchildren are closest to her and she gets her hugs from them  (they're ok with this).  I wave with a big smile from the crowded doorway.

I don't know how old your MIL is.  Mine is severely ADD (used to be ADHD but she's too decrepit to move now), so another strategy I use is distraction.  It's so easy to distract her...and she simply forgets about the whole "I love you" routine.  On the occasion when she does say it I can reply with "you too - see ya!"

You're not alone with navigating this relational land mine.

It took me a while to figure something out that works.  Honestly my mom seems to be out of that fake love bombing phase now.  She hasn't done that in a while, but occasionally it comes back.  Hoping your MIL also passes through this phase at some point.

The other thing that works really well, is less contacts.  Does your H ever visit her alone (without you)?  Perhaps you go along to support him.  My H is with me at my mom's 90% of the time.

Lastly, I just gotta say that while leaving you out of the family album she presented to your daughter was just plain mean and sick, the upside is that she outed herself in front of the whole family.  And there are blessings to that, because it's objective.  Her "intent" is visible from the album itself.  So often the things they do are sneaky and edgy and "on the wire" and subject to interpretation and therefore subjective.  But this is a clear cut case, and visible to your most important people who can be supportive to you in return, because it's not simply you saying what you think to be happening.  It's "visible" to "everyone" who sees that photo album.

And just in case you think it could be personal, and wonder what you ever did wrong to deserve this...no.

BPD parents get scared when their child gets married, because it's as if the new marriage partner is invading the parent/child relationship.  Getting married dilutes the relationship between the parent and child because now there is a new priority and it's a big one.  It can be like an "abandonment" for them.  i.e. her son leaving her to marry you.  Over the years I've seen many a thread about an interfering parent or in-law who finds something wrong with every romantic relationship... I don't know if that could fit for you.  But even if it doesn't, just know that how she treats you isn't about you.  It's about her.

 

[Notwendy]

Yes, it does feel icky.

I think we are all doing the best we can with it.

[just love]

Methuen, I love what you said..."me too" sounds perfect. It also allows me the ability to reflect her authenticity back to her. Ty for your response

[just love]

Yes Notwendy, it is ridiculous. thank you for your ideas. I feel ready to be around her again.

[Notwendy]

I like the "you too" reply as well. I think I can manage that.

Although it's not how I wish it to be, it's easier when my BPD mother is not affectionate as that is her "normal" . When she's gets all lovey- it's not usual and feels manipulative. I don't not love her, it's more that my main feeling around her growing up has been fear- which kind of shadowed other feelings.

[zachira]

There is probably nothing more icky than having people pretend to be loving as a means of manipulation. It is especially icky when it is a close family member and someone who has shown in many ways that he/she actually does not love you and feels quite the opposite. In the case of your MIL, it sounds like she is insanely jealous of you taking away her son from her and she wants to be number one with your children. The story about your MIL leaving you out of the scrapbook shows that she is just plain evil and there is no way you could ever trust her or like her. The best advice my therapist ever gave me was when in the presence of a disordered person is to focus on how I feel inside. It is healthy that you recognize that you do not want to hear phony declarations of love from your MIL or reciprocate them. Are there ways to keep your distance so your MIL does not have as many opportunities to hug you or tell you how much she loves you, like creating a distraction or taking advantage of a distraction so you can quickly get further away from her? The more physical distance you can create with your MIL at family gatherings the safer you may feel. My mother had BPD and my father had strong narcissistic traits, and both are deceased. When we have parents like this, it seems the phony love gestures we receive from people who actually want to harm us hurts more as this is what we experienced from our parents. We are here to listen and help in any ways we can.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I want to be as authentic as possible with her. I manage to hug her and she expects it... but telling her "I love you" almost makes me sick. I don't want to hurt her at all...how do I avoid this. She says it multiple times a day..I have responded by saying.."that's sweet of you to say..or Thank you". I know that won't work for long.

Hi  

Like you said, it won't work for long... But then what's the worst that can happen when it stops working?

You just keep on being true to yourself.

If she asks why you won't tell her you love her? Be honest.

Again, what's the absolute worst that could happen? I am scared of my mother at some very deep level because of the trauma, but I reckon this fear you might have also had for your own mother is not present with your MIL? Or is it?

What could happen? Someone turning on you because you won't play her game? Like Methuen said, the good thing about this album is she showed her true colors to everyone.

Just trying to get perspective here... We go in our minds and get stuck in the feelings of being trapped. But you are not. She doesn't hold power over you. You are in control here, not her.

It hurts. I mean...I get wanting some sense of normalcy, how part of us can hope that our inlaws can at last give us a sense of what a healthy family should be like... Then the deception that comes when we realize there is a reason we get along so well with our partner... That their family is just as messed up as ours !  

I'm sorry you are being treated this way, honestly. But hold your power, stay true to yourself. You don't have to say anything you don't feel like saying.

Also, this album thing? Wow, that's messed up. I love that your daughter saw right away how messed up it was, how she looked for you, couldn't find you, and said something, she didn't lie, didn't act like nothing wrong happened. She was honest. You be honest with how you feel, think and who you are too.

You don't owe her any words but the ones you actually want to say.

  

[PinkPanther]

My dBPD mom says "ditto" when I say I love you, so I just say it as well when she love bombs me now .

[pursuingJoy]

just love, so glad you decided to post after cheering us on for years. 

Not much to add here except to say that dang, that was dang bold of her to leave you out of the album. I mean, wow.

I have similar issues with MIL. The jealousy itself is yuck. She has photos of family all throughout her house, but none with me. Most are of her, my H and his kids, like she's in the mom position . Our oldest daughter was getting married. She was walking slightly ahead of me alongside my H, and she slipped and told someone, "Our daughter is getting married." (Um...?  ) She insists on kissing H on the mouth at every hello and goodbye. I have reduced contact, stayed polite and distant. H and I have set boundaries around gifts from her, that has helped a lot.

I'm always struck by the textbook behaviors we're all observing, and I'm loving all the creative solutions we've found here.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I once had a friend, who forced hugs on me, and after a while, it felt like some form of emotional/physical assault. I think you know, whenever you set boundaries with people, new ones, that they don't like, you will get push back. But every time you don't set the boundary, you're compromising yourself. Compromising is good, if it's a healthy, reasonable compromise, that benefits both people. If you're compromising yourself, you're sacrificing a part of yourself, and that's not worth it.

It's not easy to be brave enough to stand up for yourself. In fact, it's basically terrifying, especially if it's new, and especially if the person you're doing it with is really cruel, or unhealthy and unpredictable. But the only way people respect you, is if you are firm about it, when they push. You have the right to not hug people, if you don't want. You have the right to not say I love you. You don't owe people your affections or your love. You can feel it in your gut, because your instincts, they know what to do.

Sounds like you really love your daughter and husband, how much is it helping them to do this? Would they benefit from you not being hurt by the situation? Is there something you can say, or do that you would feel comfortable saying, that's polite or could keep the peace, but that you can live with more?