Hi PuzzledHere, welcome to the group
glad you found us for some support. Being an "observer" to the dysfunction between a loved one and a pwBPD is so hard. You just want to get in there and make it better, but the disorder can be so intense.
You mention that your son is hanging in there... do you guys talk regularly? Stay in touch? Do you live near him?
I get what you're saying about the situation changing day-to-day, depending on her. BPD can be characterized by harmfully intense, widely varying emotions, where the person experiencing the emotions sees them as facts about the world -- i.e., "if I feel like you hurt me, then it's a fact that you hurt me" (even if nothing happened). So disorienting.
And yes, something really difficult about BPD is that so often, the pwBPD (person with BPD) sees others as the cause of any problems. So, due to deep, disabling shame, she can't let herself see that she contributes to the issues, and so that makes it really hard to resolve conflicts -- like you're noticing.
Do your S & DIL have any kids? If so, how old are they, and how are they doing?
PuzzledHere, as you settle in and make yourself at home, feel free to check out our "Tips" section on
When a teen or adult child has Borderline Personality Disorder -- even though the title is about a child with BPD, many of the articles will apply when it's a DIL, too.
We can walk with you as you find new ways to support your S without engaging in the drama and conflict. Many members here have "been there done that".
Keep us posted on how things are going, and again, welcome;
kells76
