Help me to understand the abrupt discard

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello Everyone,

So in short for the past 3 months I was dating a girl with diagnosed BPD.
At first everything was like a fairy tale and I thought I found my soulmate. As for that time I had no idea what BPD is.
She told me that she is diagnosed with BPD and that things are still bad with her as she attempted suicide for multiple times.

As time went through I started to notice sudden change in behaviour (Cold and Distant) for no reason.
We did not meet each other much of the time so I was in touch with her mainly through text chat.
After lovebombing period there came disinterested, cold and boring conversations about anything (mostly about her).
I was really confused to that point I was convinced she did not love me anymore so I straightly asked if she still loves me.
For my surprise there came Yes, she still loved me even tho I did not make any sense to me. So I tried to fix and make the
relationship healthy (please take note I did not know what BPD was back then). But again after 2-3 days she went cold and distant again. And the worst part for me was when she was outside with someone (I did not exist for her for that hours)
She would not respond to the texts, she would not communicate with me all I got was a sudden disappearance and thats all.
After hours of worrying she came back and just coldly told me she was out with people and that she is drunk. So after all that time when things started to seem kinda normal (they were not) I thought everything was okay until like 4 days ago.

When from her "I love you" suddenly in a matter of minutes changed to "Our relationship is over" and she told me because that there is a guy she loved long time before me but her feelings towards that guy were "on hold" and that in that moment and day she found out she loved him not me. So basically I was discarded in a matter of minutes.
I did notice a lot of red flags but I dont know why I managed to ignore them and tried to fix them.

But after the breakup and reading I have finally understood what things were.
Her first devaluation hit after she went out with that guy (it was like 1 month in our relationship) I am not jealous person, and I was ignoring it for the first time but according to a lot of articles I understood it like that that she got feelings for him at that day and she sent me to Devaluation phase. But rather breaking up with me as BPDs hate being alone she stayed with me.
Until that day the guy sent her text message that he has feelings (I suspect lovebombing from her side and mirroring as she mirrored me) for her too, so she discarded me as I was not needed anymore.

Now I realized all the stages. She idealized me (lovebombed me and mainly mirrored my personality) because I was asking my self how in the world is it possible that she is exactly like me? (I did not know about that but later figured out)

Devaluated me (after the meetup with guy she became instantly cold and distant), she never asked me anything about me never, she never cared how my days were or how I felt. Her "I love you too" felt so cold and empty as they were forced.
All the cold talks were about her (I suspect little Narcissistic traits).

Discarded me (probably after the other guy accepted the offer for a relationship so she can experience honeymoon again) and not needed me.

If any one of you have different thoughts I would be happy to read them

Also to note I am not suffering from the breakup, I am kinda relieved because her emotional rollercoasters were a nightmare, I could not imagine future with her no matter what, so I would breakup with her in no matter of time. I am just curious to understand this thing. Also I have high psychopathic traits (diagnosed by psychiatrist) and I have very low empathy (learned cognitive empathy) but despite that I was never diagnosed of ASPD or Psychopathy as I do tend to feel love (despite that love is not so strong as in any other normal people) little remorse or little guilt.

I am not sad, I don't miss her and I have initiated no contact (I have no urge to contact her). But tend to feel half empty and curious of what happened.

[federalphill]

Hello Everyone,

So in short for the past 3 months I was dating a girl with diagnosed BPD.
At first everything was like a fairy tale and I thought I found my soulmate. As for that time I had no idea what BPD is.
She told me that she is diagnosed with BPD and that things are still bad with her as she attempted suicide for multiple times.

As time went through I started to notice sudden change in behaviour (Cold and Distant) for no reason.
We did not meet each other much of the time so I was in touch with her mainly through text chat.
After lovebombing period there came disinterested, cold and boring conversations about anything (mostly about her).
I was really confused to that point I was convinced she did not love me anymore so I straightly asked if she still loves me.
For my surprise there came Yes, she still loved me even tho I did not make any sense to me. So I tried to fix and make the
relationship healthy (please take note I did not know what BPD was back then). But again after 2-3 days she went cold and distant again. And the worst part for me was when she was outside with someone (I did not exist for her for that hours)
She would not respond to the texts, she would not communicate with me all I got was a sudden disappearance and thats all.
After hours of worrying she came back and just coldly told me she was out with people and that she is drunk. So after all that time when things started to seem kinda normal (they were not) I thought everything was okay until like 4 days ago.

When from her "I love you" suddenly in a matter of minutes changed to "Our relationship is over" and she told me because that there is a guy she loved long time before me but her feelings towards that guy were "on hold" and that in that moment and day she found out she loved him not me. So basically I was discarded in a matter of minutes.
I did notice a lot of red flags but I dont know why I managed to ignore them and tried to fix them.

But after the breakup and reading I have finally understood what things were.
Her first devaluation hit after she went out with that guy (it was like 1 month in our relationship) I am not jealous person, and I was ignoring it for the first time but according to a lot of articles I understood it like that that she got feelings for him at that day and she sent me to Devaluation phase. But rather breaking up with me as BPDs hate being alone she stayed with me.
Until that day the guy sent her text message that he has feelings (I suspect lovebombing from her side and mirroring as she mirrored me) for her too, so she discarded me as I was not needed anymore.

Now I realized all the stages. She idealized me (lovebombed me and mainly mirrored my personality) because I was asking my self how in the world is it possible that she is exactly like me? (I did not know about that but later figured out)

Devaluated me (after the meetup with guy she became instantly cold and distant), she never asked me anything about me never, she never cared how my days were or how I felt. Her "I love you too" felt so cold and empty as they were forced.
All the cold talks were about her (I suspect little Narcissistic traits).

Discarded me (probably after the other guy accepted the offer for a relationship so she can experience honeymoon again) and not needed me.

If any one of you have different thoughts I would be happy to read them

Also to note I am not suffering from the breakup, I am kinda relieved because her emotional rollercoasters were a nightmare, I could not imagine future with her no matter what, so I would breakup with her in no matter of time. I am just curious to understand this thing. Also I have high psychopathic traits (diagnosed by psychiatrist) and I have very low empathy (learned cognitive empathy) but despite that I was never diagnosed of ASPD or Psychopathy as I do tend to feel love (despite that love is not so strong as in any other normal people) little remorse or little guilt.

I am not sad, I don't miss her and I have initiated no contact (I have no urge to contact her). But tend to feel half empty and curious of what happened.

[Notwendy]

I think most long term relationships with someone with BPD tend to be with people who have ( perhaps overly) strong empathetic traits and lean towards enabling.

BPD -NPD pairings tend to be unstable as the needs/traits don't balance as well.

Psychopathic traits tend to be associated with the NPD spectrum.

There could be initial attraction between any two people. Yet, something in this combination between you and your ex didn't lead to a long term pairing.  Even if your ex said she loved you, I don't know if this term means the same to everyone. My BPD mother has NPD traits. She doesn't have empathy but she has learned cognitive empathy. However, she wants others to be empathetic to her. Perhaps it's just not in your nature to do that for your BPD ex.

Seems this woman found another guy, maybe someone who is more of a match for her needs. Regardless, the drama comes with that, so it will be in that relationship as well. I have seen my mother "discard" relationships (of all kinds, not just romantic ones) when they don't suit her needs. She doesn't miss them either. In this regard, the two of you could be similar - she's gone, you don't care, she doesn't either.

It's good that you know this about yourself. I have an acquaintance who decided a long term relationship is just not his thing. I suspect he's on the NPD spectrum and that some of his girlfriends have BPD.  Perhaps this is a good pairing for short term, as if there's a discard, each isn't upset over it.  I think it's very difficult for those who lean to the empathetic side.

[Don Gato]

   This sounds eerily similar to my BPD/NPD ex. Selfish, could care less about your feelings, or talking about your day, or life for that matter unless it benefits them in some way.
When they are bored of you, or you're not giving them
good ego supply they monkey branch to some poor sucker who can. When they say things like "I love him/her" after the discard that is intended to hurt you, and make you jealous, and keep them in control. If you really think about it they probably said the same thing to the person they discarded before meeting you!