My BF (47) and I (46) have been together almost a year. We have been discussing moving in together, and I have some serious concerns about this, and recently, the whole relationship and our future.
He was in a common law r/s for 8 years w his ex. Her son was only 1 when they met, and his dad has never really been in the picture. The bio-dad's family would arrange for visits, but because of anger issues, the bio dad had to see the child in supervised settings, so he just gave up after a couple of years. The other family stopped visiting a couple of years later. As a result, my BF is the only real father the child has known and he calls my BF "Dad".
His r/s w his BPD Ex ended in 2018, and she soon became pregnant w someone else in 2019. She had the child, but as you can imagine, the r/s w the new man is on again off again. She has threatened from the start to terminate the r/s between her 1st child and my BF if he does not agree to her rules. Her family has had to intervene twice now when she has taken away visitation.
Ok, so we are all mostly caught up now, right?
Her "rules" were always that the child could not meet any of my BF's "whores" LOL. She has a deep fear of him having another mom and being replaced. I have respected that rule, but it is becoming increasingly difficult. Since she found out about my existence in November (I am now affectionately referred to as The White [edited]), she has a) taken away visitation b) randomly granted visitation on days like Xmas (which meant that on Xmas day, I had to suddenly leave his family's house where we were spending the holidays and go home alone as I don't have any family nearby) c) allowed visitation only to surprise BF at pick up with the news that they are suddenly travelling out of country THAT DAY d) become obsessed w the idea that we will start a family and SS13 will be abandoned e) made new rules like I can't be around BF's family (mom, brothers, neices, nephews etc) e) my name can never be heard or known to the child, now 13. This one is obviously tricky, as I've spent the better part of a year integrated into BF's extended family.
This weekend was really difficult for me. Because I don't have family in Canada right now, and BF had his SS13, I was alone again on yet another holiday. One of my BF's brothers had a birthday and the other brother flew in from out of town to celebrate. I saw social media pics of all their activities, dinners and family Easter celebrations. I have grown to love his extended family (aunts, uncles, etc included) and they usually do large gatherings. I grew up w a large extended family and as that has changed now, the time I spend with them is really special for me.
I told BF last night that I think we should not be discussing moving in together until I am able to meet SS13. This will likely not happen until he is maybe 15 and can make his own decisions regarding who he sees and when. It seems that the visitation of every other weekend is back on track and I feel guilty for potentially disrupting that in any way by trying to modify their arrangement. However, at almost 50, I have my own life to live and I feel that our decisions are being controlled by her whims. I also fear that this will never end.
Other fears I have include: SS13's recent acting out at school and subsequent suspension since visitation started being removed, meeting him in 2-3 years only to discover he has been brainwashed over that time against me, the potential for SS13 to later feel that he was lied to and that BF was living some kind of secret life w me.
I thought I could handle this whole situation, but it's taking a toll on me and our r/s.
Any advice is much appreciated.
