He was angry at everyone and a victim of everything. Didn't have any life direction. I was his savior... But one day a visiting friend of mine triggered him and he was rude to her, and I realised he had not changed, only the environment. The only way for him to be stable was if he was not around people... It was my fault for bottling things up for so long.
It's tough. He's very dysfunctional around people. And you are exposed to it more than others because
BPD is a disorder that impacts most the people closest to the person. Likely that friend, after she left, was not nearly so impacted as you were because she was only an incidental encounter on the periphery of your close relationship.
I started therapy myself... I broke up with him because he still would not start therapy. He said if he went to therapy it would be to heal from the hurt I was putting him through. I realised I could not control someone else, only me, so I left although I was still madly in love.
BPD has often in the past been called a Blamer's Disorder. His blame shifting from himself onto you puts you into a blamed or obligated position where his solution is that you have to fix him. You can't.
It's been over two years and neither of us have got over it. He has lost all trust in himself and what little self confidence he had gained... Says I've broken him... He sees getting back together as the only way he can move forward with his life...
In my younger years I worked at reception desk in large building in a large city. I would train new workers and give them perspective to realize they couldn't help every person who walked in the door.
People would enter and try morph their problems into our problems.I recall when we were undergoing a renovation. People would enter seeking a restroom but there was none. I would point them to restaurants down the street but they'd respond they'd have to buy something there. See? Their problem but I was blamed for it. Once someone asked where I used a restroom. I answered I had to go through a locked door and construction area into the basement. Even for something as simple as that I was guilted. One of my coworkers felt so pressured — his job was to be helpful, after all — that he let someone in. The cleaning staff complained our workers' restroom was trashed.
Life isn't simple. And too often there's nothing we can do to fix things. It is what it is. Your ex is an adult, yes to some extent dysfunctional but he is still an adult. If he needs support, there are agencies who can provide support. But he doesn't "want to go down the street" for meaningful therapy, he wants
you to fix
his internal problems and the reality is you can't do it for him.
I can't move on with my life because I feel directly responsible for him, and extremely guilty after realising I was just as dysfunctional as him, and probably more abusive and extremely controlling... He has told me he will go to therapy if we get back together, but doesn't do it on his own. I think he's too depressed to be able to do anything on his own... I feel I've ruined his life and I'm scared he will hurt himself as he acts recklessly sometimes, dissociates, drinks and drive when he's too distressed. He has told me he wanted to off himself.
I sometimes make this observation... If you had to categorize his
actions versus your
reactions, how would it look? Wouldn't it be somewhat along the lines of his 'sins' of commission versus your 'sins' of omission? Maybe there's a better way to describe it but all you're tying to do is help but have reached your limits. We understand. Listen to yourself. Hey, forgive yourself that feeling of obligation. You did try, more than most. Sadly it was a virtually impossible task, remember the myth of Sisyphus who each day had to roll a boulder up a mountain and each night it rolled right back down?
Here's a member's post which I copied to
The Bridge thread. (If you haven't read
The Bridge, then please read it here too.
The BridgeThe Backyard Black Hole
